Sunday, April 5, 2009

Waiting for Juno

Okay, I have to fess up. I've been preoccupied all week - friends have been calling me after they talked with the adoption counselor and they all ask, well, did you get her, did you get her? The rescue worker even called our old crusty vet who was quoted as saying "Give 'em the damn dog!". I waited all day for the phone to ring and yes I know Saturday would be so busy for them, but as the day wore on, I was starting to freak out. We are dogsitting my friend's dog for the weekend and by 6 o'clock, an hour after the shelter closed, I took her for a long walk and I was almost crying. I had chanted all week about her and the very thought of not getting chosen was driving me crazy. I went from being completely confident and calm to bitter and upset in mere hours.

I was so damn attached to getting what I wanted and it took me back to all those two week waits, waiting for the phone call, hours of intensive prayer, positive visualizations, blah, blah, blah. Those negative results have primed me to expect the worst. Most shelters can't wait to throw a dog your way and of course, I had to find one that is responsible and does reference checks, compares you to other people and makes you WAIT. You'd think my life as an actress has prepared me to wait and be confident about my talent, my ability. I'm a woman who has been waiting for YEARS to build a family. You'd think I'd have the patience of Job by now. I was about to call them and ask if wanted to send a social worker to do a home study!

I think my buttons were pushed because on a very deep personal level, my experience with infertility and this frustrating adoption process has made me SO sensitive to disappointment and failure and being judged. We get a couple of inquiries, we submit our profile, we find out costs and we start figuring out things, moving money around, checking out airfares, possible timelines, could this be the one? and then .... nothing. No answer, no feedback. Not this time. And I go back to living my life pretending I'm not waiting. I'm also an actress who has dealt with personal rejection quite a bit. I've learned that when you go in to audition and you're desperate, they can smell it on you and you never get the part. You go in, do your best job and let them know you want the part without actually appearing as if you REALLY WANT THE PART and then have to let it go as soon as you leave. Over and over again. I have a thick skin in show business, but it's difficult to tolerate rejection in other areas of my life. I want to plan, I want to be excited, but repeated failure makes me question if I truly DESERVE to be happy and to get my heart's desire. Why does this seem so easy for others and not for me? DH and I are positive people generally, but I think we've become so used to being let down, it's changed us so much. We have actually prepared ourselves to not WANT so much for fear of being disappointed. Eeks.

Inside there's this voice: try not to get your hopes up, try not to get too excited because it's not up to you, it's out of your control, it's not your sole decision.

I DESERVE to be happy. Just like each and every one of you. I gotta figure this shit out. I know life's unfair and no one's life is supposed to be free or problems and I gotta work on this issue of deserving to be happy thang.


Beautiful Mess said...

You DO deserve to be happy! Is there anything I can do to help you feel happy? Can I be the annoying emailer friend who won't stop spewing sunshine and tell you how amazing and wonderful you are? If that will help, I'm ON it! You rock, my friend!

annacyclopedia said...

Yes, you dear woman, you absolutely deserve to be happy. You deserve to be flooded with bliss!

I am sending you lovingkindness right now and hoping Juno is in your arms very, very soon.

Guera! said...

I hear you. I hear you.

lassie said...

Well, the good news is, you absolutely deserve to be happy. The bad news is, when you are a mom, you may still wonder if you deserve to be happy, but it will sound like: My son/daughter is awesome! Do I really deserve this child, do I deserve to be this happy?!

I loved the part where you said, "I go back to living my life pretending I'm not waiting." So true.

Puppies are the embodiment of joy and happiness: you must deserve to be happy, because happy just found you and took up residence in your home.

Mrs.X said...

Oh, boy, do I know about this.

All of us, you, me, everyone deserves to be happy. But, as we learn through infertility, you have to go out and find your happiness. You just keep trying. And, when it does work, what a wonderful feeling.

Give that lucky pup a huge hug.

Pamela T. said...

YIPPPEEE!!! So very happy for you. As allergic as I am to any non-human with hair or fur, I'm totally besotted with Juno. I could even risk a visit one long as my inhaler stands ready.

Delighted that after all of these difficult waiting periods you've gotten the little puppy you so wanted...fingers crossed on the other big wish list!

luna said...

puppies are like instant happiness. and yes, everyone deserves that!

I want more pictures. so, will you keep her name?

Wordgirl said...

Juno -- come SOOON!

I understand that reaction to lower your wants because of how life has unfolded. I always said that I needed to inhabit life fully -- demanding the fullness of joy that life seemed to just dole out to others so easily.

You deserve happiness and oh so much more my friend. So much more.



loribeth said...

The parallels are certainly there, aren't they??

And yes -- you deserve this!! And every other happiness in your life too.