Speaking of trust and truth, I'd like to blog about certain things, but given that this is an open blog, I may have to change that. So I'm either going to switch to wordpress so I can password protect certain posts or going private by invitation only. Mmmm. Decisions. Any suggestions?
*Edited* There's a certain degree of loss of privacy when you've been down the infertile path. You've had so many people in your hooha, the countless visits to blood labs, so many people who have inquired about your childless state, the coming out of the closet so to speak and the lectures you've delivered. And then there's my blog. My guts in print. Forever. Oh, and when you announce that you're adopting, much to the relief of your friends and acquaintances, then you've got to deal with the constant, "So, any news on the adoption thing?" I won't even talk about the lovely homestudy process. I'm not real big on lying to people, I'm pretty open. My husband hates this, but I spent all of my childhood repressing events and emotions because I was taught to keep my "business" to myself. This has resulted in big, fat blanks in my childhood memories and depression.
I am only fairly private with people in show business. They will spill your beans faster than you can blink. This is obvious cause all you have to do is read the rags at the supermarket checkout stands. If a celebrity misbehaves for whatever reason, it's news. Generally speaking, people in the industry are not kind to one another and if you have a bad day, everybody will find out about it. The less important you are, the more inexcusable it is. Even an background extra will be dismissed for looking at the star the wrong way. It's stupid. But if you get cancer, then you're a saint. There are a lot of instant "friendships" and when you spend 12 hours a day with someone, you talk a lot, but the minute the gig is over, it's like you don't exist anymore. Just look at all the hookups in Hollywood that occur when people work together and what happens when the project stops. I no longer think people I work with are my friends.
This is why genuine connections with people are so very important to me. I'm truthful with people, and I expect the same. Bringing truth to the moment is my creative motto.
I don't grill people when I talk to them, they can share with me whatever they choose, I don't need to know details, frankly most of the time, I don't want to know. Trusting that we'll have a child to raise one day, now that's an idea that we have to get used to.
Well, I guess I could tell you all about my weekend with my old friends. The day they arrived I pulled a back muscle lifting the dog off the bed cause I thought she was going to throw up. Now I felt old. Swell, but one of those heat wraps fixed that. We had an amazing time, but with all the sightseeing, drinking, eating and walking, I had absolutely zero personal time, which in hindsight was fortunate. I needed the distraction. It was great seeing my old friend from university and besides her and her husband running a successful business, they haven't changed a bit. Still warm, genuine and funny. Got to see lots of pictures of their grown girls. Wow, we're the same age, but they married young and had kids right away. It seems like a lifetime ago I was at her wedding with my doofus boyfriend stepping in to help her cause her maid of honour sucked. She made fun of me cause I didn't remember some stuff, but honestly, I've lead a fairly active life and met thousands of people. I don't remember stuff unless it was particularly happy or sad or a grudge. Okay, and I drank a lot, so what. She even remembered my birthday, holy cow. I like never remember people's birthdays, it's a chronic fault of mine.
I love entertaining out of towners, but in the last few weeks we have spent a small fortune without realizing we had lawyers in our immediate future. I did tell them where we were going but not why. By the time I had dropped them off, I realized I felt like absolute shit. As in coming down with something. My whole body felt sandbagged. I went home and consumed vitamin C in large quantities and anti viral elixirs and topped it off with Tylenol cold capsules for good measure. Nyquil was my nightcap drink. Lo and behold, I was feeling pretty good when I got up at dawn.
I'm a little shell-shocked. Or calm, I can't decide which. It's a little like a really great first date and now you hope the rest of the long distance courtship goes well.
Okay, all my work is finished, I'm a little worn from an entire day typing (not to mention hairy eyeballs) but the work is much appreciated. Now I have a few moments to update you. I did manage to have a fairly pleasant Canada Day. We took mum out to enjoy some music, which was conveniently put on my the city/jazz festival just up the street. She enjoyed herself and we even danced a bit. I went to a late hot yoga session and then started transcribing and finished that DVD at 1 am. The first one is always the worst. I received an email the next morning that my sister found out she DID NOT have a mini stroke according to her neurologist. He didn't say nuch else. Thank you all for your kind prayers sent her way. She is still recuperating. I'll get there when I can. First things first. I just wish I had more time to chant. Of course, she did not get a definitive answer as to what did happen. Could be MS, could be all sorts of things. More tests need to be done. Feeling deep gratitude right now that I never have to worry about paying a monstrous bill when I do use health services. The last time I had to go to emerg (where I received great care), I was discharged from a private room without having to pass a cashier first. Hopefully that will be the last time I ever see the inside of an emergency room.
Next up, visitors from out of town tomorrow. Got to repair my hair do, I'm a mess and then go pick them up from airport. I'll tidy up some more tomorrow.
And just when I thought things were going to be dull.... my younger sister called me last week to tell me she had returned from the emergency room. She may have had a stroke. Maybe. Probably. She had all the signs but apparently they did a CAT scan (negative) but not an MRI. She went to see a neurologist who told her she probably had a mini stroke (trans ischemic attack) but couldn't be sure until he saw an MRI. Then she told me she wasn't sure her health insurance would cover it (they did, but she had to pay 20% of it) and now she won't have the results til tomorrow. She says it's still hard for her to find the right words. I'm not freaking out. I sent her some money and told her to gather her friends and neighbours for support as apparently her husband wasn't handling things too well. If something horrible happened, I couldn't get there fast enough to make a difference. My first thought was that I should be on a plane to stay there until we find out the results. However, it came exactly at the time when I should be on a plane to meet a birthmother.
I get an email from a client last night and have less than 2 days to transcribe several hours of notes before my friends arrive from out east. By which time I will have found out what's up with my sister. And then they leave, and then I'm leaving. Now I'm thinking I should be with my sister. The problem? If I go this will cause a great deal of stress on DH who would be footing the whole bill. It's a good thing I'm making money this week. He is not fond of my sister. Well, that's an understatement. Not to worry, he'll do the right thing, he's a good man, but if I can limit my stay with her for a week.... There's the dog, my mother left behind for him to deal with, this whole birthmother meeting..... Some how I feel like I should fix everything for everybody. Just waive my magic wand and make everyone happy and healthy.
Got to get to work now.... might be able to post later this weekend.
Okay, I thought I'd have more to tell you by now, but I don't, so... looks like we're going to be meeting a birthmother next week in LA. It was supposed to happen this week but with one thing or another, next week works out better for everyone. I'd prefer to get this over with before the holiday weekend, but I've waited this long, what's another week?
Remember that daimoku session I had with my friend a couple weeks ago? The reason was that we had received a profile that DH felt strongly about so I thought maybe I should just get clear on a few things. So now this. We've been trying to arrange for dogcare and air flights, pulling funds together, and of course, I have friends flying in just for the weekend. Cause I didn't think I'd have anything else to do. !!!!!
I'd prefer to have someone come and stay with Juno but everyone (but me) has work or kids or something to do. She's still a puppy (she lost her first tooth yesterday) so she still needs supervision but my friend who is a dog walker/actress recommended her employer to board her. I don't really want to board her but it's simpler I guess. Of course, now I have to get through a weekend with friends who have no idea of what we've been going through for years (we recently got back in touch with each other). That should be interesting.
Am I excited? Sort of. I feel calm though. Strangely calm. My friend who is away for a holiday called me and said the sweetest thing to me. She said, just remember, you're enough just as you are. I almost cried. It was exactly what I needed to hear. So I'm staying calm, making arrangements, trying not to get ahead of myself. Wondering if I should bring gifts - what kind of gifts - or would that look too desperate? It's like a blind date, I have to fix my hair, get a bikini wax, what should I wear? I guess I could skip the bikini wax part.