Saturday, April 25, 2009

Life is funny

I have to say, I'm doing a little bit of struggling here with the whole waiting to adopt/IF world. I actually forgot to add my link to the ICLW thing, but I've been checking the list and when I go to an IF blogs I find an awful lot of "just got pregnant" entries. Which is great news and all, but it always makes me feel a little, well, like I've stumbled across a blog that is really about how to needlepoint. Something that I have tried in the past, but was never good at. I can't relate to that experience and I can't relate to open adoption bloggers cause I don't have a child and can't relate to the joy of being a mom. Maybe I should try new puppy blogs.

I went to the bookstore the other day and bought my friend What to Expect When You're Expecting book. She's in the blissfully ignorant stage about how she should or shouldn't feel and she's been asking me questions about things I have no idea about. I feel odd reassuring her about something I've never experienced. I just happen to know certain things because of all the blogs I've read. I notice how careful she is when she shares news about whatever milestone she has achieved; the latest being that her growing baby is doing so well she doesn't have to have an amniocentesis. I listen.

Then my younger sister calls and she is absolutely exhausted from dealing with the trials of her chronically ill 5 year old. Her husband has to work almost 100 miles away from home and doesn't come home til the weekends. All she's ever known is dealing with constant doctor visits, procedures, missed diagnoses, conflicts with insurance companies over paying for this test or that specialist and uncooperative teachers. She's broke and can't afford private education for him. I listen. She's missed the irony I am absolutely exhausted with the pursuit of even having a child. I'm looking to cash in my life savings for a child. Flip sides of a coin.

Life is funny. Juno really does fill a spot in my heart, though. I really enjoy taking care of her. I'm looking for (used) baby gates for my new puppy. Apparently, they're a hot commodity cause I can't get them other than at retail prices. I can't take her out for walks cause she hasn't had her 2nd set of shots. The shelter won't let me officially"adopt" her til she gets spayed, and are insisting it be done by 3 months. But it's okay that I rack up the vet bills. Did you know that you have consultations before the spay now where they need a blood panel done? I didn't. The vet I took her to doesn't understand the rush since she is so young and has until 6 months of age. I paid $40 just to have her look her over and clip her nails and I still have to have a poop test done. I just want to buy the bleeping dog and get on with making the decisions. It's the fact that someone else is calling the shots that's really bugging me.

Flipping through the latest O magazine I come across the ad featuring an expectant super model for Skechers "Nothing matters more than family". Hmmmm. Really. Can't get away from it even on can.


Beautiful Mess said...

I wish I had words to make you feel better. I feel as though you do fit, though. Maybe not in the way your wanting too, but I can't imagine my little world without you in it. Does that make sense? It sucks that you have to spend so much money on Juno before everything is finalized. I hope that gets done SOON! Do we get more pictures soon?

Sheri said...

I pulled a tarot card for you because I thought it might help.

I pulled the Ace of Wands -- This is a very positive card and has to do with new life and having sufficient energy to start a new project. The Ace of Wands has to do with a turning point, new experiences, inspiration, new beginnings, and the start of something big.

In reading your post, if you could pick a card that would be the exact opposite of how you are feeling, the Ace of Wands would be it.

This card indicates that there is hope and things will get better. Have faith and truly is all in order.

K said...

I so undertsand, I hope that you find some peace soon.

lassie said...

You know, when I was in your position, I remember feeling like I was on the outside. Seemed like everyone else had already adopted or had successful IF cycles.

Now, when I think of you and others who are waiting, I picture you running the final leg of a marathon with me on the sidelines cheering madly for you. You've come a long way, the end is in sight. Hang in there.

loribeth said...

"It's the fact that someone else is calling the shots that's really bugging me." I guess baby adoption & puppy adoption are more alike than one might think, hmmm?? You're right, it's unavoidable, isn't it? Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I feel like that sometimes, like i don't fit anywhere.

The constant reminders of family, and babies get me. It seems like the commercials are even more babycentric now, but it's I probably just percieve them differently now. They do manage do make the heart tug though.

Your new puppy is adorable, I'm sure she can make the days a little brighter.