Waiting for retirement

60 year old #1



http://www.vancouversun.com/Health/year+woman+gave+birth+twins+Calgary+Tuesday/1256896/story.html

"A 60-year-old woman delivered twins at Calgary's Foothills Hospital Tuesday, family members confirmed. She is believed to be the oldest person in Canada to give birth.
Family members said Ranjit Hayer and her husband have been trying to have a child for years, to no avail. Reports say Hayer, originally from India, returned to the country to receive in vitro fertilization after being turned down in Canada because of her age.
Hayer gave birth to two boys, Manjot and Gurpreet.
Daljit, Hayer's younger sister, said the birth is especially significant, considering the importance of offspring in Indian culture."

60 year old #2

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/05/24/health/main2845879.shtml

"A 60-year-old New Jersey psychologist gave birth to two boys Tuesday, making her possibly the oldest woman ever to deliver twins in the United States. Frieda Birnbaum gave birth to "Baby A" at 12:44 p.m. and "Baby B" a minute later by Caesarean section at Hackensack University Medical Center, hospital spokeswoman Nancy Radwin said. The twins each weighed 4 pounds, 11 ounces, she said. Birnbaum told CBS' The Early Show co-anchor Hannah Storm that age and longevity were not considerations for her. "I didn't know I was that old. And then I'm looking at the media and seeing '60-year-old woman.' I said, 'That's me?' Because I don't know what age means, you know? I feel like a 40-year-old." "

While you guys talk about that one woman soccer team supplier, I'd like to throw a little more tinder on the ethics and fertility fire. How old is too old? And what's the address of these accommodating clinics?

I see all these stories and I think, mmmm, what is all this supposed to mean? Did I give up on having children of my own too soon? Well, no, I don't think so. I was apprised of all the options I could choose including donor eggs and surrogates. I have to say I never really considered any of these options seriously because I wanted it our way or no way. I didn't have a bottomless emotional reserve or endless funds at my disposal. Like most people, I just wanted to start a family with the partner I loved. I didn't want a child at any cost. It wasn't my reason for being on this earth. I wasn't craving love I didn't receive as a child. I didn't want to be famous for it or have a show. I didn't think I could do a better job than somebody else. The desire was born out of love and willingness to share my life, the usual reasons, blah, blah, blah.

I never thought I would feel as shitty as I did at not being able to become pregnant and deliver a child. I never counted on the devastation that swept through my life. I never realized that not only my life would be affected, but both our families would mourn. I could have had more surgeries I guess, gone south of the border in search of young, fresh eggs of African American women. Could have. Did not.

I went to plan B, and opened up my life to the joys of adoption. Instead of paying money to lawyers and social workers and adoption agencies and the plethora of businesses that have sprung up from that, I should be saving my money for retirement. Cause that's when I could finally give birth to the preemies of my dreams. What was I thinking? That way, when my kids are school age, I'll be dead or ready for diapers and creamed corn. I can barely remember where I hide Christmas presents, what the hell is going to happen when I can't keep track of a teenager's whereabouts? Do Pampers come in adult sizes? Or yes, they do, they're called Depends! Oh, yeah, I know - I sound ageist. I just hope for the sake of these young children that these people age really, really well, or at least have extended family just in case.

Let's face it, I'm pretty much pushing the envelope now. If I had a child right now, they just might be too mortified to bring their friends home. (Who is that, your grandma? Sssh, don't wake her - just let me snag the car keys!) No, I shouldn't say that, I'm pretty frigging hot for my age. As a matter of fact, I got carded at the hockey game last night. Hah!

If anyone every accuses you of being obsessed, just print and shove those articles under their noses! Obsession, dedication - I'll let you decide!

Dancing for IVF

Okay, a Pink Rose award to Christina, a woman I just saw on Master of Dance, a game show where you dance to different songs for a chance to win money. And not professional dancers, either. Just regular ole' folk, any age, any size. ( I was just channel surfing and it caught my eye; it's like Don't Forget the Lyrics but with dancing.) The host asked her what she would use the money for if she won. She announced to the ENTIRE WORLD that she had been trying to conceive for 4 years with her hubby (who was cheering her on in the audience) and she wanted the money for fertility treatments! The entire viewing world people! I don't know how many people watch the show, but it's got to be at least a million, right?

Personally, I thought her competitor was better, but I just wanted her to win so she could pay for her IVF treatments. Well, she won!!!! Dancing for IVF money, people. Americans, you gotta love their spirit!

Jackass

PJ passed along an article that you should find interesting reading. I had to calm down a bit before I replied, but apparently they don't let you comment after 2 days. So I will post my response here. It' s like a belated birthday present to PJ and to all of you. And since it's my space, I'm not going to bother being polite like I was planning on doing. Cause it just feels good to say it like it is:

Dear Jackass:

I was encouraged to read your article where you indirectly accused my friend and fellow blogger of "whining" past her allotted time as a result of infertility. I was encouraged because you didn't get to pass on your "empathy" and "compassion" genes. I betcha she wishes she could be British so she could have that typical British stiff upper lip I've heard so much about. What a nerve she has to come out of her silent and therefore noble suffering to connect with millions of people who are undergoing the same issue. I guess you hadn't read any of the hundreds of infertility blogs in the UK. Or did it just piss you off that the venerable New York Times actually carried the story. Don't you just wish you had chronicled your adventures in infertility in the Guardian earlier? Just think of the hearts you could have touched, the connections you could have made with people who might have been encouraged to feel that they weren't alone! Nah.


Oh, that's right. You had the good sense to keep that part of your life private. Hidden. No need to burden the rest of society with your stupid little problem. "Those are the breaks" after all. I'd like to know a few things, though, cause you didn't really get into it in your article about "whining".

Was it at all difficult (or perhaps annoying or inconvenient would be more appropriate) for you and your wife throughout the years you were trying to conceive? Did you go through IVF? I hear the NHS will pay for treatments if you wait long enough in the queue. How fortunate not to have money in the way of bringing a longed for child into the world. How many expensive peesticks did you pee on only to see - nothing? No cross, no pink line. Month after month, for years. Did you try ICSI? No? But I bet it was fun handing those "samples" over to the nurse. How many times did you inject ever increasing quantities of hormones into your body? Kinda gets in the way of romance, doesn't it? But hey, I bet you know the business end of a hypodermic needle now! Not to mention, those pesky social invitations, baby showers and pregnancy announcements and constant enquiries about your ability to procreate? How about donor inseminations? Did you try that? I heard it's great fun going through the catalogues looking for quality specimens. What about just trying to relax? That always works. It's a good thing you could keep a lid over your emotions during all of that fuss and bother. Does your wife have a blog? Or did she write one for Mother's Day? That I would have loved to read because I'm sure it would have been full of hearwarming encouragement.


And why do you think its "nuts" to "mourn over something that never existed"? Western society has trained us to believe that we can have anything we want as long as we are willing to work hard at it, persevere, never give up, be positive and visualize your way to success. I wasn't whining or complaining about our tough breaks. I was too busy changing my diet, changing my attitude, partaking of both Eastern and Western medicine. You should do a little more research into the infertility blogs - quite a few of us came pretty darn close to having something that had a heartbeat before it got flushed, D&C 'd out, or delivered stillborn. Did you know that at 5 months you still have to DELIVER this something that never existed?!! Do you actually think there is a PAIN OLYMPICS, where we compare who is more justified to their suffering? Apparently, you do. Hey, the deady baby momma gets the gold! Mrs. Never Got Knocked Up didn't even place.


So many of us, like the blogger you were so kind not to name, just have the dream of the child they never had to get over. It's a bitter pill to swallow that life just doesn't work out as you planned it not matter how many "right" things you do. But we'll get it down. With wine, cause we can drink now. Man, when I think of all the money I saved on diapers! Hey, I could use the money to "just adopt". Is that what you did? I mean, you just wanted a child to love, right, it doesn't really need to be your own, right? Right? How much does it cost there? In Canada it's about $20 - $50K. That's cheap in British pounds. And the home study where you get finger printed and have every area of your life questioned is fun and enlightening! You know, if you go for an older child with special needs, it's cheaper! Do you have a patent on that "stuff it down and get over it" attitude? You could sell it and adopt tomorrow! Go for it, that way you're guaranteed a gift on Father's Day.

Signed,

Enlightened One.

Raising awareness

I just have to share this little bit with you that I got from A Road Less Travelled. From the National Post article.

Also this comprehensive article from Chateleine: http://en.chatelaine.com/english/health/article.jsp?content=20070213_095702_5452&page=1. It also mentions that Ontario covers IVF if you have bilaterally blocked fallopian tubes. Does anyone know if that is still the case because later is says it was delisted from the provincial health plan?

"Accepting infertility is an enormously emotional and difficult challenge
for any couple," she says. "The biggest hurdle to overcome is gaining the
ability to see that this is not the end of the world, that there are other
options, and that each can provide a satisfying and rewarding
future."

Accepting and moving on is indeed a mighty mountain to climb, both
couples say. And even when the decision is behind them, those who choose to
remain child-free will always have a sense of loss and longing, Dalit Hume
says.

"It is not something you can ever completely get over," she says. "You
have to accept that a continuing sense of loss is natural; motherhood and
fatherhood is hard-wired into us. What you must do is understand those feelings
will be part of your life always, and then find other raisons d'etre."

I guess that since we decided to adopt, I've occasionally felt guilty for mourning the loss of our own biological child, even though that was never going to happen. I still craved the intimate experience of pregnancy and childbirth that other people seemed to have. There are days when I think my life is fine without kids and I can barely manage to walk the dog sometimes and then there are times when I just sit and think about holding a baby to my chest, breathing in that lovely scent from the top of their heads. I think of stinky diapers and sleepless nights and then I think of showing them some incredible animal or teaching them to ride a bike. Seesaw. DH, for some strange reason, has been showing me articles of surrogacy in Canada and reminding me that I had great eggs. Great 44 year old dusty eggs, I remind him. He must be on that same seesaw.

Got another phonecall about a possible "situation" - yes, we threw our hat into the ring. Seesaw.

Peesticks for everyone!

Just to let those you are in the ttc game - they really should have a board version to play during a 2 ww (for the low, low cost of $1000 or free with your 2nd IVF) - http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/. I've been reading about you poor souls who have been spending a fortune on pee sticks or OPK's (gosh, aren't they so expensive!!! and you always use more than you think you will). The Canadians in particular. I did the same thing until I found out my old acupuncture clinic was branching out (ka-ching) with a fertility store that had really cheap pee sticks that they got from the above mentioned supplier. I couldn't bare to drive over there with my pennies in hand, so I reluctantly ordered on-line. I figured if they trusted them, I could as well. I know, I know, one tends to trust those slick TV ads when we are pursuing the elusive pink line or blue cross or whatever, we want accuracy. So I found a site that compared all the pregnancy tests and at how much Hcg it took to trigger a positive, etc. They're basically all the same, though. And seeing as how I never believed my lying eyes, I would always use a second one. Let's face it, we've all heard of the negative one day, positive the next! I finally decided on my last attempt to buy a bunch online, about 80 cents more for the Clearplan lookalikes. I think it cost me about $20 for 12 of them or something like that. It took about 2 weeks (another 2 week wait) to get them across the border (they must have looked like weapons of mass destruction in the x-ray), but I did get them and their customer service did reply to me right away. They come in a plain padded envelope, so your nosy postie or neighbours won't know what it is.

Alas, they didn't bring me any luck, but they were so inexpensive I just gave them to my friend and I hope they give her the pink line of her desires.

The ultimate gender bend

"If we seem to be weathering an endless winter, we must not abandon hope, as long as we have hope, spring will come without fail." - Pres. Ikeda

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Now that I've made my long, rambling point about obsession or FOCUS, I'd like to say that I think women rule. Women are so incredibly strong and resilient, it's no wonder we can survive the rigors of ART, or pregnancy and childbirth for that matter. Which brings me to my next point. I suppose you've heard of Thomas Beatie, the pregnant man, who was on Oprah yesterday. When I heard about it, my first reaction was what the hell? Even a guy has a better uterus than I do. Ack! Being born a female (and staying a female) was not a trump card. Well, I only had time to watch the first half hour and once the mechanics was explained, I was struck by the couple's obvious love and devotion. I could feel their vulnerability, see how they stood in the truth of who they were. I was struck by the humanity of it all. Thomas said wanting children was a human desire and that he had a right to have his own biological child. Then I began to worry for their safety. Because you know somebody out there will not respect who they are, will probably be outraged and .... I don't want to think of negative repercussions. After all, once upon a time, my husband and I might have been run out of town for being married to each other. So I wish for them and their unborn child a lifetime of protection and peace.

Ah, I never fail to be surprised by life.

You're not alone

Here's the 4th in a series in our local paper regarding Val Cole's journey through IVF. Unfortunately, there was no BFP for her. I'd like to thank her for opening up her life that way. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who understand exactly how she feels and appreciate her sharing her experiences. She says: "I really thought with all the positive thoughts and energy surrounding me that this would work. I've accepted it, but right now I'm feeling like everything is pointless." Hello - can you relate? They also talk about another woman, who after horrific tragedy, went on to have a healthy child via IVF. Gotta give the readers some inspirational story, right? The article talks about donor eggs as well, which was proposed to us briefly as well. We talked about it but summarily rejected the idea for a variety of reasons, but sometimes I wonder..... Surely it would have been less financially and emotionally difficult as adoption. If I knew then what I know now, who knows? Who knows if it would have worked anyway?



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Talked to my girlfriend who had a cancerous tumour removed from her lymph nodes last week. She's tired but feeling much better and hopes to have a positive pathology report next week. My prayers are with her and I hope to see her soon.

It takes a village

I have to admit, I felt a little pang of the "what ifs", when I read this story in the local paper. http://www.canada.com/vancouversun/news/story.html?id=e4785a70-b6d3-4a6e-a834-d3198d78e019&p=1. It's called "It takes a village" and it follows the story of a woman pursuing fertility treatments at the latest fertility clinic to open in Vancouver. I was like, oh, I didn't get a plush robe, I want one of those. Why weren't they around when I was in "trenches"? At least the story doesn't make her sound like a crazy woman. She was just like the rest of us. Wanting to have a child by the man/partner she loves. Unlike the woman in story, I actually had great response with my follicles and had a lot of eggs for a "woman my age". Of course, that doesn't ensure a successful pregnancy. And I totally related to her optimism and hope. She's now going through her two week wait. Oh, I know how she feels. I wish the very best for her.

On another note, I'm feeling much better since I stopped taking the percocet. As with any codeine product, constipation is its companion, so I talked to a couple friends of mine, a pharmacist and a nurse's aide. I tentatively switched to ibuprofen/extra strength Tylenol and started drinking more water, prune juice and a couple of Senokots for good measure. Okay, and coffee. Yes, it truly does take a village to move some things.

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Third in a series on one woman's journey through 2 week wait. Also surrogacy in Canada.
http://www.canada.com/vancouversun/news/story.html?id=da59d1dd-fa58-4c54-bfb9-b9fe81bd28a2