Thursday, April 9, 2009

Trusting myself

Okay, if I'm so committed to being an adoptive mum, why wouldn't I jump all over this? It's another day and I have learned a lot in the past couple of days. First of all, listen to my intuition. I start to make stuff up when I don't have all the answers and I start to hem and haw and can't make up my mind - what if, but, but what about.... all over the place. The day I got the call I had mum over and of course, trying to watch her (she won't sit still when the conversation isn't about her) and discuss all the pros and cons with my husband. Hubby does not want to go ahead on this. Mum thought we were discussing the dog. Omigosh, no, mum, it's just a baby!!!! Our future lives!!!! I burnt the rice. For the first time in a long time, I saw my husband's frustrations and bitterness come through. This wait has been hard on him as well. I understood that he feels loss in his own way. He just doesn't go on and on about it like I do.

Number two: Don't submit my profile to any and all situations just because I feel desperate or guilty. Big mistake. It's not good for me and it's not good for a birth mother. This is coming from a place of fear. Any situation we will be faced like will not be coming out of ideal circumstances, cause if there were, there wouldn't be any adoption. We can make commitments and the other person might change their mind. There just isn't any guarantee, not for us or anyone else in this life. This is where we could have used some counselling. We read all the books, did all the homework and courses and still we are faced with these emotional challenges.

I went to chant about it all and after I turned a page over on my Nichiren Daishonin calendar, just broke down. It said this for April 8th:

Above all, both you and your husband are upholders of the Lotus
Sutra. You will surely bear a jewel of a child whis is going to inherit
the seed for the propogation of the Lotus Sutra. I wholeheartedly
congratulate you. The child is the one who will inherit both your physical
and spiritual aspects.

(Easy Delivery of a Fortune Child)

Facing the Gohonzon is like facing a mirror and you see the truth and what I saw was fear. And judgment. The voice said this is what happens when you are not good enough to have your own, you did this to yourself and if you screw this up you might never be a mother. Your husband does not uphold the Lotus Sutra, you won't bear anything and your child will not inherit either of your physical aspects. This message was for an expectant mother and all I felt was a giant NO in my heart. I felt horrible for not helping this birth mother who was just trying to do the right thing for her child.

I had to go to acting class, though I almost cancelled. Lucky for me they are fellow Buddhists and I really, really needed to go be with them. My friend was going to break the news of her pregnancy and I was intending on keeping my mouth shut. I met her outside and told her I was not having a good day and it wasn't about her at all. As soon as I walked in and one of my friends looked at me, you know, really looked at me, I broke down. So we talked and as they read the same passage that I did, they encouraged me so much and told me that I had to listen to my instincts and to have faith and that I shouldn't be making intentions from fear or guilt or a place of not feeling deserving. That my child was out there and that I would be a mother. We chanted daimoku that vibrated through my soul and I felt so uplifted. I chant for the birthmother and all of her children. I will continue to chant for her.

You were right, Lori, I just knew.


Evergreen said...

I'm so glad you found some peace and support with your friends. It is such an awful decision to decline a match, especially when you have been waiting a while. But this IS forever, and you have to feel clear in your heart, and so does your husband. We all have made becoming mothers such an act of desperation, and that is just a crappy-feeling approach to motherhood. I agree with your friends - the decision to say yes needs to be made because it feels right (or mostly right - is it ever crystal clear?) not because it's your only choice.

Thanks for posting the update, for some reason, it's taken a day to show up.

Wordgirl said...

I truly, truly believe that in our hearts we feel the answers --if we can get there... and I don't know anyone who is as honest with themselves about their heart as you are. I hope you can be as kind to yourself as you are to the people in your life...I second what Evergreen has said here -- I do believe that when your child arrives you will both feel it ... and in the waiting space? Juno. Nibbles with tiny puppy teeth...


Love to you my friend,


Pamela T. said...

This is an humongous decision and a relationship that will last a lifetime...not something to be entered into unless if feels absolutely right for all involved. So glad you've got the support and friends there to help you on site ... there for you miles away, too!

Beautiful Mess said...

I don't think I can say anything different then what the other ladies said. It's a huge decision and it MUST feel right. You're doing the right thing.

luna said...

I'm so happy you trusted your gut and intuition. and that you didn't act out of fear or guilt. I believe in my heart that you will know when the situation feels right, and the intention will be pure.

Anonymous said...

Sweetheart, I am just speechless with pride for you. You are so brave and your heart is so open to things as they are even when, or maybe especially when, they are painful and complicated. Your trust and your ability to open up - you are amazing.

Love to you. And to your child, who is out there. May you find each other soon.

Cara said...

As an adoptive mom of one and one pending, you will know when it is right. You are in a life altering situation and take time to think and feel what is right. Many things have happened on our road to children and every single thing has happened for the perfect end result. IVF didn't work for us, too, and it was because my child was in Russia. Our 5 year old is a complete replica of me and would have been lost in Russia but is adored by us. Currently we are waiting for the birth of our second child in Arkansas, and this too came after a really long wait and many, many turned down matches. You will know when the match is meant to be and you will feel at peace. Do not hurry the process. Enjoy the process.
I've enjoyed your blog for a while. Just wanted to comment.

Sheri said...

I'm so glad you trusted your intuitive voice. It is so strong, especially when you tune in, listen and have faith.

Sometimes we don't know or understand why, but we KNOW...deep inside our hearts we know. And on that we must move forward with faith.

Good for you for trusting yourself!