Teendoc reminds me that when we do finally adopt, the child really will be ours. Then why does all the stuff the adoption agency makes you read make me feel like I would be sharing a child? My fear is that basically I have to deal with all the hard work, responsibility, and maintain communication between the birth mother and her/my child, and she gets to visit whenever she wants. Am I just being paranoid? Is this the trade-off for being there for the first smile, the first steps, the first "Mummy". Do I call the birth mother every time the kid has a fever? Oh, man, maybe I'm just making myself unnecessarily crazy over something that hasn't even happened yet. I do have a tendency to try and cover all the angles so that I can be "prepared".
Then I was reading about post placements with international adoptions. Well, that was fucking cheery. That article basically had every freaking nightmare included. Hidden medical problems, psychotic behaviour due to previous abuse, families being torn apart. Lovely.
Then when I think I'm being heartless, how I would I feel if I were in the birth mother's shoes? I feel like I'm doing something wrong - why am I taking another woman's child? I keep telling myself that it's not my feelings that are important, it's the child's. He/she needs to know where they came from and who they are. Oi, my head hurts.
I often wonder how my life will change when I walk through the doors with a wee one. I mean, I'm practically allergic to early mornings. Having my sleep interrupted? I'm a bear. Even my dog sleeps in. My husband doesn't dare wake me when he gets ready for work. What about my mum? I visit with her 3 times a week and take her out shopping or browsing up and down the street. Not to mention my Buddhist meetings. My husband often travels for work. Can I manage it all? Mind you, if I had become pregnant, I'd still be left with these same questions. And people do this every day. Right?
Adoption is not a cure for infertility. Most people think, oh, you can't have kids, just adopt and your problem is solved. I was reading Teendoc's post today and she mentioned that sometimes she still feels a little pang of envy when she sees a pregnant woman even though she loves being a mom to her little girl. I confess, too, that I feel the same way.
This whole homestudy thing just brings up those feelings of inadequacy. I have to sit and answer questions about my life and habits, to be judged worthy or not by this stranger scribbing away. I want to scream, hey, I'm a real fucking person, I'm not perfect, I have bad hair days, I don't believe in violence, war or wearing white after Labour Day (oh, did i say labour? Sorry). I pick up my dog's shit, how bad can changing a diaper be? I promise not to leave the kid on top of my car!