Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Juno is jumping

Little Miss Terror is back to being her stubborn self. She's back to humping Harvey etc, so that's good. She's outputting her usual prodigious amount, and with a change of food, she's eating more. So we'll just have to wait and see.

As for her housetraining her, she is quite good with going on the puppy pads on the patio, but the problem is now she has no interest in going outside at all. We have to drag her to the elevator. DH and I actually had an argument in front of my mum over her housetraining. Even she thought it was asinine. You know, my way vs. his way. At the rate that this dog goes, I might as well pitch a tent outside cause that's the only way HIS WAY will work. And when we do get her outside, she's more interested in chewing grass, sticks, etc than in doing her business. And yes, whenever I took her out I praised her and treated her after she did her thing. Unfortunately, she's not that interested in food as a reward. It's like oh, yeah, I've had that before and I'd rather play with this stick. So new treat, chew toy, different locale? I'm thinking it will all work out anyway with a bit of PATIENCE.

It brought me back to the time we used to argue over leash or no leash with Sampson. Oh, brother. How silly. However, we did realize that we need some us time, so this weekend, we'll do something nice for ourselves. Instead of talking about her poo or where's the dog or what the hell is she eating now or whose turn it is to take her out, we'll just go and try and be like normal people for a change.

New mum panic!

This morning, I notice Juno is peeing an awful lot! As in she's squatting 5 or 6 times and straining to go #2. This is not her usual MO. Also she wasn't interesting in eating her food or drinking water. Great. She does eventually go #2, but she's still having little piddles. I call my old vet and arrange to bring her in. Then of course, I try to obtain a urine sample. I think it might be a UTI. She thinks the parchment paper I put down (in an attempt to make her think it's a puppy pad) is for shredding. Plastic wrap trick doesn't work either. She eventually went on a rubber mat we put outside on the patio and I drained that into a small tupperware container.

The vet tested it but it wasn't definitive though he noted it was very akaline. He put a deworming pill down her throat and told me to do it every two weeks. We had dropped off a poo sample at another vet's (the one the shelter referred us to for spaying) and they said it was negative for parasites and after her initial exam there, the vet wasn't sure she should treat her or with what treatment pending more information. Sigh. I don't know. I guess one approach was more conservative and this vet is more old fashioned (POO TEST! AH, DON'T BOTHER WITH THAT, DEWORM HER EVERY 2 WEEKS). So, both vets agree she's skinny and we should be experimenting with different foods to get her to eat more. So we're going to feed eat more small meals throughout the day and evening.

So, I'll just check on her toilet habits and watch her closely to make sure she's doing okay. I went out and bought different food- grain free, canned food (damn, it smells tasty) and hope the rest of the day goes smoothly.

Man, this is a full time job!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Good times with Juno

Just so you know I really am crazy about this pooch. Most importantly, she is teaching me that I'm a cranky pants that is slow to adjust to change and at my age, when I have growing pains, I don't creak, I bitch. The other night I was watching a horror movie and there was a fair amount of screaming - little Miss Juno got a little freaked out so I held in her my arms up on the couch - sssh, don't tell - and she just nestled in all sleepy and cozy with some puppy licks. Mmmm, just us girls.

She also has a new boyfriend, a huge rabbit I call Harvey. I don't know where she picked this up, but I caught her humping him last night. We have to have a little talk.

Almost killed the dog

Had a nice sleep in on the weekend, only to awake to hubby's serious face. When I got up, he was all in motion (which is not good) cause that means he's been moving things around. He dramatically showed me that my laptop power cord had nearly been chewed through - he twisted it and it sparked. One more chew and our puppy would have been a goner. Great. I almost killed the dog. Hey, give me your kid!

He was very upset which I took to mean it was all my fault, but then I recognized that he was angry cause neither one of us had noticed. He was scared. So it's obvious we need to be more careful with Juno. She's teething and putting EVERYTHING in her mouth. She even likes to chew on rocks! The downside to having a puppy is that you can't turn your back on her for 10 seconds. She's either pissing where she shouldn't, eating the carpet (thank goodness it's not really expensive) or chewing on something she shouldn't. I was busy this weekend so that meant he spent almost all of his time with her which meant he got a taste of what I do with her during the week. He didn't like it. He was attempting to launder his work shirts and relax a bit. That doesn't happen with Juno. No wonder he was short tempered and impatient. But this is what is required. You have to have patience, I wait til she's asleep then I take a shower and clean the house and do the laundry. I don't play with her so hard that she's so wound up she goes crazy. I crate her when I need to. She whines and barks, I ignore it. I expect her to try my patience.

He expects the poor dog to be housetrained already, but the reality is that when you live in an apartment, it's a bitch cause you have to take the elevator and go downstairs and cross the street. You just can't open the back door and let her out in the yard. You take her out, she does her business, she comes back in and drinks a little water and 5 seconds later or 10 minutes later, pees again (mostly on the puppy pads....er.... mostly). If you sit down to eat or do something and she's just had her food, she will go out and poo or pee on the patio before you get a chance to put on your shoes. So you get up and clean it up and put out fresh puppy pads. I am constantly sweeping hair, paint chips, carpet fibre, rocks out of her mouth. She has a lot of energy when she's "on" - she's a little like "Spike" from the Gremlins. Even sounds like him a bit.

Oh, sure, I told him what did he think life with a baby was going to be like. Or a toddler. I hope a baby won't chew on my power cord. But who knows, right? This is why the grocery shopping hasn't been done, this is why this or that doesn't get done right away. Patience, my dear, patience. It's not all just fun and games with babies, right?

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Life is funny

I have to say, I'm doing a little bit of struggling here with the whole waiting to adopt/IF world. I actually forgot to add my link to the ICLW thing, but I've been checking the list and when I go to an IF blogs I find an awful lot of "just got pregnant" entries. Which is great news and all, but it always makes me feel a little, well, like I've stumbled across a blog that is really about how to needlepoint. Something that I have tried in the past, but was never good at. I can't relate to that experience and I can't relate to open adoption bloggers cause I don't have a child and can't relate to the joy of being a mom. Maybe I should try new puppy blogs.

I went to the bookstore the other day and bought my friend What to Expect When You're Expecting book. She's in the blissfully ignorant stage about how she should or shouldn't feel and she's been asking me questions about things I have no idea about. I feel odd reassuring her about something I've never experienced. I just happen to know certain things because of all the blogs I've read. I notice how careful she is when she shares news about whatever milestone she has achieved; the latest being that her growing baby is doing so well she doesn't have to have an amniocentesis. I listen.

Then my younger sister calls and she is absolutely exhausted from dealing with the trials of her chronically ill 5 year old. Her husband has to work almost 100 miles away from home and doesn't come home til the weekends. All she's ever known is dealing with constant doctor visits, procedures, missed diagnoses, conflicts with insurance companies over paying for this test or that specialist and uncooperative teachers. She's broke and can't afford private education for him. I listen. She's missed the irony I am absolutely exhausted with the pursuit of even having a child. I'm looking to cash in my life savings for a child. Flip sides of a coin.

Life is funny. Juno really does fill a spot in my heart, though. I really enjoy taking care of her. I'm looking for (used) baby gates for my new puppy. Apparently, they're a hot commodity cause I can't get them other than at retail prices. I can't take her out for walks cause she hasn't had her 2nd set of shots. The shelter won't let me officially"adopt" her til she gets spayed, and are insisting it be done by 3 months. But it's okay that I rack up the vet bills. Did you know that you have consultations before the spay now where they need a blood panel done? I didn't. The vet I took her to doesn't understand the rush since she is so young and has until 6 months of age. I paid $40 just to have her look her over and clip her nails and I still have to have a poop test done. I just want to buy the bleeping dog and get on with making the decisions. It's the fact that someone else is calling the shots that's really bugging me.

Flipping through the latest O magazine I come across the ad featuring an expectant super model for Skechers "Nothing matters more than family". Hmmmm. Really. Can't get away from it even on can.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Easier than a kid

Another ICLW for the month of April and I've included a link above for the quick lowdown. I've been blogging about my new puppy a lot cause, well, I don't have a kid and smell of a puppy is better than baby poo. Sort of. In retrospect, I should have had one of those ticker things for Juno. Hah!

We've been getting more birthmother profiles, mainly inappropriate for us, but we're getting them, so it's just a waiting game at this point. I saw one the other day that really had me scratching my head. These parents already had children and were looking to place this last one. Mmm. I assume this choice is out of financial necessity, but that's so sad. How does one explain to a child that his parents kept the other children but not him? Does it really matter? I don't know. We get so little information, a few sentences really. And then we put our name in the hat and wait.

I'm looking at cribs now, change tables and the like. The 2nd bedroom is starting to feel like it might actually hold a child. I can barely manage a puppy and my mother in the same room. My sister called in the middle of me making dietetic apple crumble for my mum, watching the dog and while I was listening to her, mum was up and down getting into all sorts of things, hubby is narrating her every move, trying to throw her spit on the floor, hovering over me wanting to speak to her and finally I had to cut the conversations short. Oooh, like every woman I've ever talked to who had become a mother! Man, I look forward to cutting heartfelt and important conversations off! Do you know how many times I've been in the middle of some heart rending story with a friend who "had to go now"?! I totally understand they don't have that kind of time anymore, but honestly. Will I be any different? Mmm, only to infertiles. So there.
The constant getting up and down in the night for the puppy is giving me a clue as to how tired I'm apt to be. How in the hell do women carry on their careers, I have no idea. Particularly self employed women who don't have an office to go to. I was a feeling a little trapped just hanging out with the puppy at home. She won't be getting her 2nd series of shots for a while and I'm not supposed to go to dog parks and the like. In this city, it's hard to avoid other dogs, since there are a LOT of dogs in our neighbourhood and I don't have a backyard. So Juno and I have been hanging out at the green spot next to this restaurant and the Bikram's studio next door. Just getting used to the noise of the city. I'm going to be planning a litter for her on the patio, I'm about done with the trips outside at 4am in my jammies.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Survived the weekend

DH's surprise laser tag party went great! My friend showed up to puppysit, and DH, his brother (who was in town for a visit) headed out. We had to have a couple of Red Bulls, we were exhausted. Then I gave hubby driving instructions as went went along. Then he saw the laser tag sign and a bunch of his friends in the parking lot. He was really surprised! We all had a really great time running around in the dark, trying to shoot each other. There was another birthday party (of real kids) and they were pinging us off all over the place, and since they were all about 4 ft tall, you could barely see them unless you looked down! The little buggers, they could hide really well. Apparently playing video games makes you quite accurate. Later, after the DQ ice cream cake and pizza, we went to a nearby pub for a drink. I was so happy to see DH laugh and have so much, he was really touched by my efforts.

All in all, a very successful weekend. In 3 days, we have have figured out how to get Juno to eliminate outside with consistency. We finally remembered to pick up her water bowl after 30 minutes at meal times and no more water after 7pm. She hates it and I feel badly cause I know she is used to ready access to water but it works. (I'm sure we'll cave on that one.) Second task was to get her to sleep soundly at night without putting up a racket. We decided to bring her kennel into the bedroom hoping that if we were in the same room, she would settle down quickly. She started to cry when we locked her in but she stopped in 45 seconds and slept for 4 1/2 hrs quietly. I woke up hubby to take her out for a pee and when he brought her back in, she went back to sleep - quietly! Victory!

DH's brother leaves tonight and then hubby goes back to work tomorrow and then it's Juno and me time. I think I've got the unshowered, in my sweats, messy hair new mum look down pat.
PS. Congratulations to all those Sun Runners! I hope you 10K run was very successful.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Day one

We had fun last night despite all the "accidents". Despite the mutt whisperer's constant instructions from the couch (GRRR), it's apparent that I have way more patience and flexibility. Also I don't think DH is going to do well with sleep deprivation. Is it just me or do women seem handle that better? The night was - interesting - to say the least. Not much sleep for either one of us. Apparently, she doesn't appreciate being locked up by herself. This close confinement at night is difficult in an apartment. Of course, a baby can cry for much longer, but people don't generally feel the need to complain about that. And trust me on this, the people in this part of town LOVE to complain about noise. Coming from Toronto, this has never made sense to me. You live downtown, you have people going up and down the allies all night plundering the recycle bins for bottles, party buses (WOOOO!) by the gas station, fire, police and ambulance sirens, but if your neighbour breathes too loud, there's a good chance the cops, building manager or a nasty note will be by your door. Anyhoo, I digress.

I kept trying the so called expert housetraining rules. (They don't mention what to do if your puppy refuses to go outside cause she's too freaked out by being outside for the first time in her short life.) By 5am I had success. I whipped the puppy pad over to where she was about to eliminate and TADA - success! And she actually circled on it and took a poo! It's apparent I need an enclosure - she doesn't even like being on the patio but I need to get her used to the city noise. And now of course, it's raining outside and cold so it's not very nice at all. But we're going out no matter what.

Now I just have to figure out how I can possibly leave the house for an hour without her howling the place down.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Here's Juno!!!!!!!

Posted by Picasa Hey I only shit twice and peed twice already in their apartment because I like doing it indoors! Even though they took me outside! Hahaha! I showed them!!

On the way home from the shelter, she howled like crazy and threw up a lot, but she settled down eventually and the by the time we got to the halfway point, she was fine. Hubby took over when we got home, I left to visit mum, buy her a collar, harness and leash and run around to get stuff for his birthday (rose, Balloon, a lovely little Riesling to go with the Indian dinner we'll be ordering in) and trying to take pics for my MIL AND put the pee/poo soaked towels into the laundry. Thank goodness for ensuite laundry. And also thank goodness for PUPPY PADS. Since she's been in confined area with the rest of her litter, she has a preference for soiling very close to where she sleeps (within 5 feet). Oh, we tried to take her out after she ate and drank. We both read the housetraining articles. She did nothing but sit on my feet and fool around for 20 minutes. But the second she was near her kennel again - TADA!!

Hey, if I have to read about your baby's bowel movements, you have to hear about my dog's. You know who you are.

Ah, the sweet smell of puppy breath!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

One more sleep

We've been getting a few more inquiries for adoptive parents recently. That's great news! I'm learning not to jump all over it like a starving woman over a piece of bread (though sometimes that's how I feel). We replied to one that seemed too good to be true. When I got the call about the costs I just about drove off the road! I think I yelled through the phone at the woman, so sorry, but I had no idea that the costs could be so varying from one agency to the next. This one was close to double to what we've been hearing about. And that's in US dollars folks, so I have to factor in 20% more. I could probably get a Mercedes for less, I'm not kidding. I didn't even have to speak to hubby on that one. When he did find out however, he was not amused. He was having a really bad day at work and by the time I caught up with him later, he looked miserable. No, he did not want to talk about it either.

So I had to content myself with puppy toys at the pet store. I hadn't been there since last year of course. Could barely even walk by it when doing my errands. And now I'm looking at puppy training pads, toys, collars. Need to get pet care insurance. Goodbye, clean smelling house. Mmmm, I'm petrified. Just had to say.

Also, I'm arranging to surprise hubby with a birthday party at a laser tag play centre this weekend. He doesn't really like surprise parties at all, but I'm hoping he'll forgive me this one time. He's such a big kid at heart and let's face it, what wife hasn't considered shooting her husband just once? I just want him to have fun and be goofy and I wish I could do more for him. And we get DQ cake and pizza too!

TOMORROW is the day I go get Juno - on hubby's b'day. So I guess we'll order in Indian and hang out with our furry baby girl.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


My doctor said the pain in my side was probably an ovarian cyst that ruptured, but there was no treatment as I'm not in any pain anymore and it should resolve on its own. Well, that's a relief. I hope that doesn't happen again. Ewww.

Not pregnant, just bloated

We went to Ikea last week to get a new TV stand (hubby has decided to rearrange again and we all know how much I love rearranging, it always involves power tools somehow) and we picked up a new dog blanket and biodegradable poop bags. Juno is coming home on Thursday, DH's birthday.

Easter weekend with DH's family was lovely. I am always amazed that these people can talk all day long to one another. And their new dog, an adorable black cocker spaniel gave everyone lots of laughs. For them Easter is all about chocolate, hot cross buns, card games and hanging out with family. Not going to church or the resurrection or anything. Being brought up Christian, I actually did pay attention to that part of it. I always thought it was a really cool story, and I never thought the women got enough credit for keeping the faith.

Anyways, had to dash out and get my mother to bring her over. Mum is always an exercise in patience. I'm a bit of a spaz case when I'm making large family meals and I want everything just so (minus the Martha Stewart touch - I have neither a dining table for 8 or matching plates - well, I do, but they require handwashing - what was I thinking when I bought those plates with gold trim?!!!), so dealing with her requires I take it down a notch or two. As usual, mum dispensed her special brand of humour and stayed a lot longer than she usually does. My BIL now has diabetes, so I tried very hard to pay special attention to his dietary needs and to make sure he had breakfast. Even made a dietetic apple crisp for dessert. DH and my MIL were a whirl of activity, getting last minute things, handling the cooking while I got mum, the men cleaning up. I'm so grateful to them.

I am at risk for diabetes because it runs in my family and whenever I don't feel well it's always in the back of my mind. I don't have any of the usual symptoms other than fatigue. That could be due to my typically low iron levels, though. Last week when I went to the airport I had a pain in my right side (ovary/appendix height) and I limped all day. Did I pull a groin muscle, hip flexor, did I pull an ovary? I have no idea, but Advil didn't do much for it. It wasn't agonizing or anything, just a steady dull ache that went straight through to my lower back. As long as I didn't move too much, I was fine - I even tried to go to the gym, but only made it half way down the street before I had to turn back. It's gone now, but I feel quite bloated. Or maybe it's a roll of fat. Seriously, stress eating has crept back in. My symptoms are so vague, it could be just gas. That would be embarrassing! I am going to the doctor's today, don't worry.

We had one sunny day so we went for a walk in the park and of course, we talked about Saint Sampson and how he would chase the squirrels, the park bench where we would rest, etc. There wasn't a spot that we hadn't walked. I hadn't done that walk since last summer. I had to go to work that afternoon (not complaining, I need the work) and when I came home, hubby had brought out a bag of his stuff. I stayed up late and went through some of his stuff that I could use for the new puppy, his old bitten up Woodstock doll, his old towels, his food bowls. Yep, hubby found me bawling my eyes out. Hard to believe that I could still shed so many tears.

I borrowed an old kennel from a friend, washing it out, have to go to the pet store, getting ready for a furry, 4 legged creature to come and trash my neatly ordered life. I need puppy food and some fresh toys and things. Fresh with no memories attached.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Taming the winds of shit

We had a conversation with the woman in charge of the US adoptions (who had been away a year - probably on maternity leave) and I finally felt like we had some support. Finally, I didn't think we were just a name on a list. I think this has been a fault of our agency. She hadn't even seen our profile. Swell, it's been over a year and the first time she calls us, she has no idea of who we are. Hence, my crazy emails to bloggy friends for support and advice and crying all over the place. I ask for guidance when I have no idea of what I'm doing, I actually take in everything people have to say, regardless of whether I actually follow said guidance. And when I give it, I rarely expect that people pay any attention, after all, it's their life, not mine.

She was very supportive and asked us questions to things we had been discussing already over the past few days. Now she knows how we feel. She knows our tolerance level for this or that. I know my expectations over this long wait has made me a little skittish. It was like I'm not used to getting picked for anything good anymore. Good to be on the same page. Like others, she was surprised that it has taken so long, unique biracial couple that we are. Could it be that we were so shellshocked by the winds of shit, that we weren't truly ready to get good news? Could it be that the universe heard my battle cry and is responding to my queenly demands? Wow, wouldn't that just rock my world?

My BIL arrived yesterday, and tomorrow the MIL and FIL arrive for Easter weekend. It's time for me to cook and pamper and entertain the noisiest bunch of white people you ever heard. AND we might be able to bring Juno home earlier....

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Trusting myself

Okay, if I'm so committed to being an adoptive mum, why wouldn't I jump all over this? It's another day and I have learned a lot in the past couple of days. First of all, listen to my intuition. I start to make stuff up when I don't have all the answers and I start to hem and haw and can't make up my mind - what if, but, but what about.... all over the place. The day I got the call I had mum over and of course, trying to watch her (she won't sit still when the conversation isn't about her) and discuss all the pros and cons with my husband. Hubby does not want to go ahead on this. Mum thought we were discussing the dog. Omigosh, no, mum, it's just a baby!!!! Our future lives!!!! I burnt the rice. For the first time in a long time, I saw my husband's frustrations and bitterness come through. This wait has been hard on him as well. I understood that he feels loss in his own way. He just doesn't go on and on about it like I do.

Number two: Don't submit my profile to any and all situations just because I feel desperate or guilty. Big mistake. It's not good for me and it's not good for a birth mother. This is coming from a place of fear. Any situation we will be faced like will not be coming out of ideal circumstances, cause if there were, there wouldn't be any adoption. We can make commitments and the other person might change their mind. There just isn't any guarantee, not for us or anyone else in this life. This is where we could have used some counselling. We read all the books, did all the homework and courses and still we are faced with these emotional challenges.

I went to chant about it all and after I turned a page over on my Nichiren Daishonin calendar, just broke down. It said this for April 8th:

Above all, both you and your husband are upholders of the Lotus
Sutra. You will surely bear a jewel of a child whis is going to inherit
the seed for the propogation of the Lotus Sutra. I wholeheartedly
congratulate you. The child is the one who will inherit both your physical
and spiritual aspects.

(Easy Delivery of a Fortune Child)

Facing the Gohonzon is like facing a mirror and you see the truth and what I saw was fear. And judgment. The voice said this is what happens when you are not good enough to have your own, you did this to yourself and if you screw this up you might never be a mother. Your husband does not uphold the Lotus Sutra, you won't bear anything and your child will not inherit either of your physical aspects. This message was for an expectant mother and all I felt was a giant NO in my heart. I felt horrible for not helping this birth mother who was just trying to do the right thing for her child.

I had to go to acting class, though I almost cancelled. Lucky for me they are fellow Buddhists and I really, really needed to go be with them. My friend was going to break the news of her pregnancy and I was intending on keeping my mouth shut. I met her outside and told her I was not having a good day and it wasn't about her at all. As soon as I walked in and one of my friends looked at me, you know, really looked at me, I broke down. So we talked and as they read the same passage that I did, they encouraged me so much and told me that I had to listen to my instincts and to have faith and that I shouldn't be making intentions from fear or guilt or a place of not feeling deserving. That my child was out there and that I would be a mother. We chanted daimoku that vibrated through my soul and I felt so uplifted. I chant for the birthmother and all of her children. I will continue to chant for her.

You were right, Lori, I just knew.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Be careful what you pray for.....

Do you remember what I just wrote - that DH said it would be our luck we'd get a baby right away? Well, guess who got a phonecall today? I resisted the urge to freak out in the middle of the street. DO NOT CONGRATULATE ME - as per usual, it happens to be one of the most dramatic inquiries that we got and I'm sure I submitted our profile under the assumption that who were we to get picky or we wouldn't get chosen; I was more afraid to say no than yes. There are a few red flags, I'm hemming and hawing here like crazy. Stay tuned.

Yep, the universe is laughing right now.

We still miss him

Juno and her brother, Valentine. I suppose by the time I see her next, she'll be bigger. I think I'm going to have to go visit her really soon. A baby girl - with fur - close enough.
**SPOILER ALERT** Okay, who told me to see Marley and Me?! I bawled my head off, the scene where they **SPOILER ALERT** bring him in to be put to sleep? It was awful! I almost ran out of the room but I kept telling myself that it was just a movie, calm down - but having been there, it was completely accurate! Hubby and I were a mess. I only put it on because I thought it was a lighthearted comedy! A miscarriage, 4 positive pee sticks, 3 kids later, and a death scene for the dog, yeah, great. I have to admit, I must be in a good place because I could not have watched this 2 months ago. It did remind me of all the good times we had with Samps, he wasn't nearly the furniture destroyer like Marley. He was a calm and peaceful dog who loved running in the woods. Small saplings didn't stand a chance, but the couch was safe. Truly, like the film, our family started with him. He never got to welcome a child as part of his pack. Sad, but true. We poured love into him and he gave it back threefold. I thought about all the good times we shared down at dog beach, his joy of running into the water, picnics at Spanish Banks, even his fear of storms. Omg, I am never watching that movie again.
DH took me to the Sampson tree. It was on a trail that I've never been to. Figures. I would never think of walking there. Well, any safety conscious woman would never walk there. It's not part of the regular trail system. You have to cross fallen trees and makeshift bridges to cross over mucky pools. Root laden and overgrown paths, old makeshift shelters used by whomever. But hubby and his buddy and the dogs would hang out and smoke and discuss man things. He showed me how his friend climbed on top of his shoulders to put up the plaque, told me how Sampson, Moose and Charlie would play. Man, we both miss that dog so bloody much. Now Samps wouldn't have been overly fond of Juno and her sharp puppy teeth, but he would have loved and protected her anyway. He always stuck up for the little guy.
Juno has come at the right time for us. We'll get to experience the times we never had with Big Boy. DH will get to use his Cesar Milan tricks and we'll fight about leash or no leash. We should expect a human baby really soon cause that would be our luck, hubby says. Fine by me.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Waiting for Juno

Okay, I have to fess up. I've been preoccupied all week - friends have been calling me after they talked with the adoption counselor and they all ask, well, did you get her, did you get her? The rescue worker even called our old crusty vet who was quoted as saying "Give 'em the damn dog!". I waited all day for the phone to ring and yes I know Saturday would be so busy for them, but as the day wore on, I was starting to freak out. We are dogsitting my friend's dog for the weekend and by 6 o'clock, an hour after the shelter closed, I took her for a long walk and I was almost crying. I had chanted all week about her and the very thought of not getting chosen was driving me crazy. I went from being completely confident and calm to bitter and upset in mere hours.

I was so damn attached to getting what I wanted and it took me back to all those two week waits, waiting for the phone call, hours of intensive prayer, positive visualizations, blah, blah, blah. Those negative results have primed me to expect the worst. Most shelters can't wait to throw a dog your way and of course, I had to find one that is responsible and does reference checks, compares you to other people and makes you WAIT. You'd think my life as an actress has prepared me to wait and be confident about my talent, my ability. I'm a woman who has been waiting for YEARS to build a family. You'd think I'd have the patience of Job by now. I was about to call them and ask if wanted to send a social worker to do a home study!

I think my buttons were pushed because on a very deep personal level, my experience with infertility and this frustrating adoption process has made me SO sensitive to disappointment and failure and being judged. We get a couple of inquiries, we submit our profile, we find out costs and we start figuring out things, moving money around, checking out airfares, possible timelines, could this be the one? and then .... nothing. No answer, no feedback. Not this time. And I go back to living my life pretending I'm not waiting. I'm also an actress who has dealt with personal rejection quite a bit. I've learned that when you go in to audition and you're desperate, they can smell it on you and you never get the part. You go in, do your best job and let them know you want the part without actually appearing as if you REALLY WANT THE PART and then have to let it go as soon as you leave. Over and over again. I have a thick skin in show business, but it's difficult to tolerate rejection in other areas of my life. I want to plan, I want to be excited, but repeated failure makes me question if I truly DESERVE to be happy and to get my heart's desire. Why does this seem so easy for others and not for me? DH and I are positive people generally, but I think we've become so used to being let down, it's changed us so much. We have actually prepared ourselves to not WANT so much for fear of being disappointed. Eeks.

Inside there's this voice: try not to get your hopes up, try not to get too excited because it's not up to you, it's out of your control, it's not your sole decision.

I DESERVE to be happy. Just like each and every one of you. I gotta figure this shit out. I know life's unfair and no one's life is supposed to be free or problems and I gotta work on this issue of deserving to be happy thang.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

I got her!

I got her!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, yeah, I cried, I admit it. Yep, had to get all dramatic - and I had to hand the phone over to my husband because I was blubbering like an idiot. But you have no idea - or maybe you do - of how badly I wanted her. I felt a connection to her instantly and though I had never had a female dog (my preference has always been male because they're more affectionate) I just wanted a dog that was different from Sampson.

I waited a week, all the phonecalls on our references were made - and when there was no call as of this afternoon, I was mentally getting ready to give up on her because I couldn't bear the thought of not having my heart's desire (once again). I struggled to not be so attached (and lost). Just a little something to look forward to. Yeah, yeah, I know I could be bitching about her pissing up my bed in a month, but I'm so happy right now. I feel like can breathe again!

Friday, April 3, 2009


Well, they've finally painted the torn up kitchen and soon I will be able to put my kitchen back into order. The painter was still here when hubby came home and announced to me that his father had died the day before. Not his beloved stepdad, but his biological father. I was shocked to say the least, but he seems to have taken the news in stride. I was more upset about it because I had never met him, only spoke to him briefly on the phone. DH said he never had anything good to say about our marriage, but I don't care. If it wasn't for him, DH wouldn't have been here. That counts for something, doesn't it? Even a little bit?

He really considered his father to be a failure in the parent department and his parents had divorced when he was quite young. He doesn't have any fond memories of him at all. I often thought that had he become a dad himself he would have found some sort of understanding or healing. If he had had a better experience would he have wanted kids earlier on in our relationship? Who knows? He has told me that he did take the opportunity years ago to tell his father what he really thought of him and often told me I should do the same with my own father. I have pretty much the same feelings but I never did find the nerve to confront my dad. I've only seen him a couple of times in 10 years or so. The only involvement he's had in the past 2 decades have been ...hmmm..... subliminal.

Some time after his 2nd marriage imploded (never met her, had a child) he expressed interest in getting back together with my mum. I told him point blank that I'd prefer to see her six feet under before that happened. Yes, I used those exact words. He didn't get it. You have to understand, my parents are West Indian. In their generation, you raised your kids through fear and shame. Respect was automatically given to them and you had to earn yours. His idea of parenting was paying the mortgage and putting food on the table. Your opinion of anything wasn't required. He had girls with my mum which he promptly left her to decide what to do with. I don't think he knew what to do with us once we hit puberty.

Later, he had turned up unexpectedly years ago in the States (married to #3, never met her) when we went to visit my sister and I was so taken aback, I used hubby as a buffer. You know, the let's go to dinner and talk about our happy life kind of thing. I can fake it with the best of them. And thousands of miles between us only made it easier. I guess I'll hear about my father's death too one day and I'm sure the news will travel through the grapevine and I'll be left feeling cheated. He has other children who never had him growing up and those are the ones that talk to him now. I had sent him a sympathy card when my beloved grandmother (he wasn't the one that told me) passed away but he never acknowledged receiving it. I've forgiven him his faults, but I never got to tell him how I really felt. He never asked and seemed to studiously avoid being alone with me. Definitely a family habit. He seemed so old and fragile and I was more afraid of not being understood than his feelings being hurt. I was never convinced that telling him that he had failed me and my sisters was going accomplish anything. In fact, maybe that was never the correct message.

My whole life I've pretty much done everything on my own, without guidance, but I survived. I learned. My sister and I wished Bill Cosby was our dad. I don't mean the real man, but at least the Dr. Huxtable TV version. My dad was "there" the whole time we were growing up, but he wasn't really present if you know what I mean. He was much better at criticizing, ignoring, negating you more than anything. I'm sure there were laughs in there somewhere, but he cut such a swatch of destruction through our lives, that it was much more peaceful without him. I was the kid who wanted my parents to get divorced. From him, I learned that men were unreliable, unpredictable, not to be trusted. I'm sure he's wondered why I married a white guy, but he really shouldn't. I didn't want to be near anyone that even remotely resembled him. The joke was on me cause I still managed to find guys who behaved very much like him.

I've heard of strange things - families getting together for "family meetings", families going on vacation together, married people actually staying together because they want to, yelling at each other and still talking to one another, saying I love you out loud, sisters actually enjoying each other's company - folklore, I tell you, fairy tales! Yet having lived in big girl panties for years now, I realize that I am responsible for healing my own life, overcoming my family dysfunction and releasing them from blame. I understand where my issues come from, had some lovely therapy, but I'm not interested in raking anyone over the coals. I'm a little busy. Finding joy is a full time job.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Cheers to good health!

With all the newly pregnant bloggers out there who spent their winters fornicating and exercising instead of overeating on their couches, here's an article you might find interesting. I just started going back to the gym yesterday as I realized that refusing to leave the house and eating as entertainment was only going to result in disaster on so many levels.

Why was I refusing to leave the house? Well, it wasn't a conscious decision, I just fell out of the habit. No dog to walk through the monsoon season. My favourite spinning instructor has moved on, boring aerobic classes, no one to work out with, I could give you all sorts of really good excuses. Nothing better than the "I just don't feel like it" one though. Strangely, I've had more auditions and gigs when I was heavier. I am not amused at the irony. Everyone in my industry obsesses about weight and when I finally lose weight, nothing, bupkiss.

Hubby has started going to the gym later on during the day but he's no fun to work out with - I have to do aerobic stuff in order to just maintain my weight and go hungry when I want to lose weight. He just does weights in the manly pit of huge dumbbells. I sweat a lot which requires me to build in shower and maintenance time post workout. He's in and out in an hour. No hair, no fuss. It's finally occurred to him that he can't shove massive amounts of chocolate into his middle aged belly anymore with impunity. He's asked me if we could just eat non-processed food. Huh? I checked for pods. (I think he wants to go on a diet, but he's not going to say the word.) When you pop the lid off a can of Pringles, that's close to fresh, right?

Sounds like fun to me! Since I do all of the cooking, he has no idea how much time it takes to plan and cook from scratch. When I was on a naturopathic diet (to improve my fertile state - hah!), I eliminated soy (cause of my fibroids), wheat, dairy, sugar, etc. and that meant cooking from scratch cause soy is in a lot of things. Conclusion: I became a nervous wreck who was always wondering where my next twig, nut and rice meal was coming from. I lost NO weight for all my troubles though my digestion vastly improved. I also learned how much unnecessary ingredients and chemicals there was in processed food. Shopping has to be done more frequently and you have to plan carefully or you end up spending a fortune. All those expensive organic salads go bad if you actually leave it in the fridge and don't eat it cause you're sick of salad. I'm not sure if hubby realizes there are other food groups other than meat and potatoes.
It's a great idea for the both of us, but if that's what he wants, he is going to do more than just eat. He can pick up stuff on his way home from work and since he's on foot, that shouldn't be too hard. No more asking me to bring home food or "treats". Lucky for us, though we have 7-11 and Dairy Queen right around the corner, we also live next door to Whole (of your paycheque)Foods and a couple green grocers. He's going to have to learn how to pick ripe fruit and how much is too much per pound. He once bought a $9 bunch of green grapes from Safeway. And refused to put it back. He has to learn to check out Urban Fare on a regular basis at the end of the day to see if there are cheap packages of fancy ass cuts of steak, which green grocer has the cheapest vs. fresher produce. You can get certain things on special at Whole Foods or Safeway but forget about affordable produce or meat.
But of course, if it keeps raining, I may need to finish off my frozen pizza first.....