Tuesday, April 28, 2009
As for her housetraining her, she is quite good with going on the puppy pads on the patio, but the problem is now she has no interest in going outside at all. We have to drag her to the elevator. DH and I actually had an argument in front of my mum over her housetraining. Even she thought it was asinine. You know, my way vs. his way. At the rate that this dog goes, I might as well pitch a tent outside cause that's the only way HIS WAY will work. And when we do get her outside, she's more interested in chewing grass, sticks, etc than in doing her business. And yes, whenever I took her out I praised her and treated her after she did her thing. Unfortunately, she's not that interested in food as a reward. It's like oh, yeah, I've had that before and I'd rather play with this stick. So new treat, chew toy, different locale? I'm thinking it will all work out anyway with a bit of PATIENCE.
It brought me back to the time we used to argue over leash or no leash with Sampson. Oh, brother. How silly. However, we did realize that we need some us time, so this weekend, we'll do something nice for ourselves. Instead of talking about her poo or where's the dog or what the hell is she eating now or whose turn it is to take her out, we'll just go and try and be like normal people for a change.
The vet tested it but it wasn't definitive though he noted it was very akaline. He put a deworming pill down her throat and told me to do it every two weeks. We had dropped off a poo sample at another vet's (the one the shelter referred us to for spaying) and they said it was negative for parasites and after her initial exam there, the vet wasn't sure she should treat her or with what treatment pending more information. Sigh. I don't know. I guess one approach was more conservative and this vet is more old fashioned (POO TEST! AH, DON'T BOTHER WITH THAT, DEWORM HER EVERY 2 WEEKS). So, both vets agree she's skinny and we should be experimenting with different foods to get her to eat more. So we're going to feed eat more small meals throughout the day and evening.
So, I'll just check on her toilet habits and watch her closely to make sure she's doing okay. I went out and bought different food- grain free, canned food (damn, it smells tasty) and hope the rest of the day goes smoothly.
Man, this is a full time job!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Just so you know I really am crazy about this pooch. Most importantly, she is teaching me that I'm a cranky pants that is slow to adjust to change and at my age, when I have growing pains, I don't creak, I bitch. The other night I was watching a horror movie and there was a fair amount of screaming - little Miss Juno got a little freaked out so I held in her my arms up on the couch - sssh, don't tell - and she just nestled in all sleepy and cozy with some puppy licks. Mmmm, just us girls.
She also has a new boyfriend, a huge rabbit I call Harvey. I don't know where she picked this up, but I caught her humping him last night. We have to have a little talk.
He was very upset which I took to mean it was all my fault, but then I recognized that he was angry cause neither one of us had noticed. He was scared. So it's obvious we need to be more careful with Juno. She's teething and putting EVERYTHING in her mouth. She even likes to chew on rocks! The downside to having a puppy is that you can't turn your back on her for 10 seconds. She's either pissing where she shouldn't, eating the carpet (thank goodness it's not really expensive) or chewing on something she shouldn't. I was busy this weekend so that meant he spent almost all of his time with her which meant he got a taste of what I do with her during the week. He didn't like it. He was attempting to launder his work shirts and relax a bit. That doesn't happen with Juno. No wonder he was short tempered and impatient. But this is what is required. You have to have patience, I wait til she's asleep then I take a shower and clean the house and do the laundry. I don't play with her so hard that she's so wound up she goes crazy. I crate her when I need to. She whines and barks, I ignore it. I expect her to try my patience.
He expects the poor dog to be housetrained already, but the reality is that when you live in an apartment, it's a bitch cause you have to take the elevator and go downstairs and cross the street. You just can't open the back door and let her out in the yard. You take her out, she does her business, she comes back in and drinks a little water and 5 seconds later or 10 minutes later, pees again (mostly on the puppy pads....er.... mostly). If you sit down to eat or do something and she's just had her food, she will go out and poo or pee on the patio before you get a chance to put on your shoes. So you get up and clean it up and put out fresh puppy pads. I am constantly sweeping hair, paint chips, carpet fibre, rocks out of her mouth. She has a lot of energy when she's "on" - she's a little like "Spike" from the Gremlins. Even sounds like him a bit.
Oh, sure, I told him what did he think life with a baby was going to be like. Or a toddler. I hope a baby won't chew on my power cord. But who knows, right? This is why the grocery shopping hasn't been done, this is why this or that doesn't get done right away. Patience, my dear, patience. It's not all just fun and games with babies, right?
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I went to the bookstore the other day and bought my friend What to Expect When You're Expecting book. She's in the blissfully ignorant stage about how she should or shouldn't feel and she's been asking me questions about things I have no idea about. I feel odd reassuring her about something I've never experienced. I just happen to know certain things because of all the blogs I've read. I notice how careful she is when she shares news about whatever milestone she has achieved; the latest being that her growing baby is doing so well she doesn't have to have an amniocentesis. I listen.
Then my younger sister calls and she is absolutely exhausted from dealing with the trials of her chronically ill 5 year old. Her husband has to work almost 100 miles away from home and doesn't come home til the weekends. All she's ever known is dealing with constant doctor visits, procedures, missed diagnoses, conflicts with insurance companies over paying for this test or that specialist and uncooperative teachers. She's broke and can't afford private education for him. I listen. She's missed the irony I am absolutely exhausted with the pursuit of even having a child. I'm looking to cash in my life savings for a child. Flip sides of a coin.
Life is funny. Juno really does fill a spot in my heart, though. I really enjoy taking care of her. I'm looking for (used) baby gates for my new puppy. Apparently, they're a hot commodity cause I can't get them other than at retail prices. I can't take her out for walks cause she hasn't had her 2nd set of shots. The shelter won't let me officially"adopt" her til she gets spayed, and are insisting it be done by 3 months. But it's okay that I rack up the vet bills. Did you know that you have consultations before the spay now where they need a blood panel done? I didn't. The vet I took her to doesn't understand the rush since she is so young and has until 6 months of age. I paid $40 just to have her look her over and clip her nails and I still have to have a poop test done. I just want to buy the bleeping dog and get on with making the decisions. It's the fact that someone else is calling the shots that's really bugging me.
Flipping through the latest O magazine I come across the ad featuring an expectant super model for Skechers "Nothing matters more than family". Hmmmm. Really. Can't get away from it even on can.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
I kept trying the so called expert housetraining rules. (They don't mention what to do if your puppy refuses to go outside cause she's too freaked out by being outside for the first time in her short life.) By 5am I had success. I whipped the puppy pad over to where she was about to eliminate and TADA - success! And she actually circled on it and took a poo! It's apparent I need an enclosure - she doesn't even like being on the patio but I need to get her used to the city noise. And now of course, it's raining outside and cold so it's not very nice at all. But we're going out no matter what.
Now I just have to figure out how I can possibly leave the house for an hour without her howling the place down.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Hey I only shit twice and peed twice already in their apartment because I like doing it indoors! Even though they took me outside! Hahaha! I showed them!!
On the way home from the shelter, she howled like crazy and threw up a lot, but she settled down eventually and the by the time we got to the halfway point, she was fine. Hubby took over when we got home, I left to visit mum, buy her a collar, harness and leash and run around to get stuff for his birthday (rose, Balloon, a lovely little Riesling to go with the Indian dinner we'll be ordering in) and trying to take pics for my MIL AND put the pee/poo soaked towels into the laundry. Thank goodness for ensuite laundry. And also thank goodness for PUPPY PADS. Since she's been in confined area with the rest of her litter, she has a preference for soiling very close to where she sleeps (within 5 feet). Oh, we tried to take her out after she ate and drank. We both read the housetraining articles. She did nothing but sit on my feet and fool around for 20 minutes. But the second she was near her kennel again - TADA!!
Hey, if I have to read about your baby's bowel movements, you have to hear about my dog's. You know who you are.
Ah, the sweet smell of puppy breath!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
So I had to content myself with puppy toys at the pet store. I hadn't been there since last year of course. Could barely even walk by it when doing my errands. And now I'm looking at puppy training pads, toys, collars. Need to get pet care insurance. Goodbye, clean smelling house. Mmmm, I'm petrified. Just had to say.
Also, I'm arranging to surprise hubby with a birthday party at a laser tag play centre this weekend. He doesn't really like surprise parties at all, but I'm hoping he'll forgive me this one time. He's such a big kid at heart and let's face it, what wife hasn't considered shooting her husband just once? I just want him to have fun and be goofy and I wish I could do more for him. And we get DQ cake and pizza too!
TOMORROW is the day I go get Juno - on hubby's b'day. So I guess we'll order in Indian and hang out with our furry baby girl.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Easter weekend with DH's family was lovely. I am always amazed that these people can talk all day long to one another. And their new dog, an adorable black cocker spaniel gave everyone lots of laughs. For them Easter is all about chocolate, hot cross buns, card games and hanging out with family. Not going to church or the resurrection or anything. Being brought up Christian, I actually did pay attention to that part of it. I always thought it was a really cool story, and I never thought the women got enough credit for keeping the faith.
Anyways, had to dash out and get my mother to bring her over. Mum is always an exercise in patience. I'm a bit of a spaz case when I'm making large family meals and I want everything just so (minus the Martha Stewart touch - I have neither a dining table for 8 or matching plates - well, I do, but they require handwashing - what was I thinking when I bought those plates with gold trim?!!!), so dealing with her requires I take it down a notch or two. As usual, mum dispensed her special brand of humour and stayed a lot longer than she usually does. My BIL now has diabetes, so I tried very hard to pay special attention to his dietary needs and to make sure he had breakfast. Even made a dietetic apple crisp for dessert. DH and my MIL were a whirl of activity, getting last minute things, handling the cooking while I got mum, the men cleaning up. I'm so grateful to them.
I am at risk for diabetes because it runs in my family and whenever I don't feel well it's always in the back of my mind. I don't have any of the usual symptoms other than fatigue. That could be due to my typically low iron levels, though. Last week when I went to the airport I had a pain in my right side (ovary/appendix height) and I limped all day. Did I pull a groin muscle, hip flexor, did I pull an ovary? I have no idea, but Advil didn't do much for it. It wasn't agonizing or anything, just a steady dull ache that went straight through to my lower back. As long as I didn't move too much, I was fine - I even tried to go to the gym, but only made it half way down the street before I had to turn back. It's gone now, but I feel quite bloated. Or maybe it's a roll of fat. Seriously, stress eating has crept back in. My symptoms are so vague, it could be just gas. That would be embarrassing! I am going to the doctor's today, don't worry.
We had one sunny day so we went for a walk in the park and of course, we talked about Saint Sampson and how he would chase the squirrels, the park bench where we would rest, etc. There wasn't a spot that we hadn't walked. I hadn't done that walk since last summer. I had to go to work that afternoon (not complaining, I need the work) and when I came home, hubby had brought out a bag of his stuff. I stayed up late and went through some of his stuff that I could use for the new puppy, his old bitten up Woodstock doll, his old towels, his food bowls. Yep, hubby found me bawling my eyes out. Hard to believe that I could still shed so many tears.
I borrowed an old kennel from a friend, washing it out, have to go to the pet store, getting ready for a furry, 4 legged creature to come and trash my neatly ordered life. I need puppy food and some fresh toys and things. Fresh with no memories attached.
Friday, April 10, 2009
She was very supportive and asked us questions to things we had been discussing already over the past few days. Now she knows how we feel. She knows our tolerance level for this or that. I know my expectations over this long wait has made me a little skittish. It was like I'm not used to getting picked for anything good anymore. Good to be on the same page. Like others, she was surprised that it has taken so long, unique biracial couple that we are. Could it be that we were so shellshocked by the winds of shit, that we weren't truly ready to get good news? Could it be that the universe heard my battle cry and is responding to my queenly demands? Wow, wouldn't that just rock my world?
My BIL arrived yesterday, and tomorrow the MIL and FIL arrive for Easter weekend. It's time for me to cook and pamper and entertain the noisiest bunch of white people you ever heard. AND we might be able to bring Juno home earlier....
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Number two: Don't submit my profile to any and all situations just because I feel desperate or guilty. Big mistake. It's not good for me and it's not good for a birth mother. This is coming from a place of fear. Any situation we will be faced like will not be coming out of ideal circumstances, cause if there were, there wouldn't be any adoption. We can make commitments and the other person might change their mind. There just isn't any guarantee, not for us or anyone else in this life. This is where we could have used some counselling. We read all the books, did all the homework and courses and still we are faced with these emotional challenges.
I went to chant about it all and after I turned a page over on my Nichiren Daishonin calendar, just broke down. It said this for April 8th:
Above all, both you and your husband are upholders of the Lotus
Sutra. You will surely bear a jewel of a child whis is going to inherit
the seed for the propogation of the Lotus Sutra. I wholeheartedly
congratulate you. The child is the one who will inherit both your physical
and spiritual aspects.
(Easy Delivery of a Fortune Child)
Facing the Gohonzon is like facing a mirror and you see the truth and what I saw was fear. And judgment. The voice said this is what happens when you are not good enough to have your own, you did this to yourself and if you screw this up you might never be a mother. Your husband does not uphold the Lotus Sutra, you won't bear anything and your child will not inherit either of your physical aspects. This message was for an expectant mother and all I felt was a giant NO in my heart. I felt horrible for not helping this birth mother who was just trying to do the right thing for her child.
I had to go to acting class, though I almost cancelled. Lucky for me they are fellow Buddhists and I really, really needed to go be with them. My friend was going to break the news of her pregnancy and I was intending on keeping my mouth shut. I met her outside and told her I was not having a good day and it wasn't about her at all. As soon as I walked in and one of my friends looked at me, you know, really looked at me, I broke down. So we talked and as they read the same passage that I did, they encouraged me so much and told me that I had to listen to my instincts and to have faith and that I shouldn't be making intentions from fear or guilt or a place of not feeling deserving. That my child was out there and that I would be a mother. We chanted daimoku that vibrated through my soul and I felt so uplifted. I chant for the birthmother and all of her children. I will continue to chant for her.
You were right, Lori, I just knew.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Yep, the universe is laughing right now.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
I was so damn attached to getting what I wanted and it took me back to all those two week waits, waiting for the phone call, hours of intensive prayer, positive visualizations, blah, blah, blah. Those negative results have primed me to expect the worst. Most shelters can't wait to throw a dog your way and of course, I had to find one that is responsible and does reference checks, compares you to other people and makes you WAIT. You'd think my life as an actress has prepared me to wait and be confident about my talent, my ability. I'm a woman who has been waiting for YEARS to build a family. You'd think I'd have the patience of Job by now. I was about to call them and ask if wanted to send a social worker to do a home study!
I think my buttons were pushed because on a very deep personal level, my experience with infertility and this frustrating adoption process has made me SO sensitive to disappointment and failure and being judged. We get a couple of inquiries, we submit our profile, we find out costs and we start figuring out things, moving money around, checking out airfares, possible timelines, could this be the one? and then .... nothing. No answer, no feedback. Not this time. And I go back to living my life pretending I'm not waiting. I'm also an actress who has dealt with personal rejection quite a bit. I've learned that when you go in to audition and you're desperate, they can smell it on you and you never get the part. You go in, do your best job and let them know you want the part without actually appearing as if you REALLY WANT THE PART and then have to let it go as soon as you leave. Over and over again. I have a thick skin in show business, but it's difficult to tolerate rejection in other areas of my life. I want to plan, I want to be excited, but repeated failure makes me question if I truly DESERVE to be happy and to get my heart's desire. Why does this seem so easy for others and not for me? DH and I are positive people generally, but I think we've become so used to being let down, it's changed us so much. We have actually prepared ourselves to not WANT so much for fear of being disappointed. Eeks.
Inside there's this voice: try not to get your hopes up, try not to get too excited because it's not up to you, it's out of your control, it's not your sole decision.
I DESERVE to be happy. Just like each and every one of you. I gotta figure this shit out. I know life's unfair and no one's life is supposed to be free or problems and I gotta work on this issue of deserving to be happy thang.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
I waited a week, all the phonecalls on our references were made - and when there was no call as of this afternoon, I was mentally getting ready to give up on her because I couldn't bear the thought of not having my heart's desire (once again). I struggled to not be so attached (and lost). Just a little something to look forward to. Yeah, yeah, I know I could be bitching about her pissing up my bed in a month, but I'm so happy right now. I feel like can breathe again!
Friday, April 3, 2009
He really considered his father to be a failure in the parent department and his parents had divorced when he was quite young. He doesn't have any fond memories of him at all. I often thought that had he become a dad himself he would have found some sort of understanding or healing. If he had had a better experience would he have wanted kids earlier on in our relationship? Who knows? He has told me that he did take the opportunity years ago to tell his father what he really thought of him and often told me I should do the same with my own father. I have pretty much the same feelings but I never did find the nerve to confront my dad. I've only seen him a couple of times in 10 years or so. The only involvement he's had in the past 2 decades have been ...hmmm..... subliminal.
Some time after his 2nd marriage imploded (never met her, had a child) he expressed interest in getting back together with my mum. I told him point blank that I'd prefer to see her six feet under before that happened. Yes, I used those exact words. He didn't get it. You have to understand, my parents are West Indian. In their generation, you raised your kids through fear and shame. Respect was automatically given to them and you had to earn yours. His idea of parenting was paying the mortgage and putting food on the table. Your opinion of anything wasn't required. He had girls with my mum which he promptly left her to decide what to do with. I don't think he knew what to do with us once we hit puberty.
Later, he had turned up unexpectedly years ago in the States (married to #3, never met her) when we went to visit my sister and I was so taken aback, I used hubby as a buffer. You know, the let's go to dinner and talk about our happy life kind of thing. I can fake it with the best of them. And thousands of miles between us only made it easier. I guess I'll hear about my father's death too one day and I'm sure the news will travel through the grapevine and I'll be left feeling cheated. He has other children who never had him growing up and those are the ones that talk to him now. I had sent him a sympathy card when my beloved grandmother (he wasn't the one that told me) passed away but he never acknowledged receiving it. I've forgiven him his faults, but I never got to tell him how I really felt. He never asked and seemed to studiously avoid being alone with me. Definitely a family habit. He seemed so old and fragile and I was more afraid of not being understood than his feelings being hurt. I was never convinced that telling him that he had failed me and my sisters was going accomplish anything. In fact, maybe that was never the correct message.
My whole life I've pretty much done everything on my own, without guidance, but I survived. I learned. My sister and I wished Bill Cosby was our dad. I don't mean the real man, but at least the Dr. Huxtable TV version. My dad was "there" the whole time we were growing up, but he wasn't really present if you know what I mean. He was much better at criticizing, ignoring, negating you more than anything. I'm sure there were laughs in there somewhere, but he cut such a swatch of destruction through our lives, that it was much more peaceful without him. I was the kid who wanted my parents to get divorced. From him, I learned that men were unreliable, unpredictable, not to be trusted. I'm sure he's wondered why I married a white guy, but he really shouldn't. I didn't want to be near anyone that even remotely resembled him. The joke was on me cause I still managed to find guys who behaved very much like him.
I've heard of strange things - families getting together for "family meetings", families going on vacation together, married people actually staying together because they want to, yelling at each other and still talking to one another, saying I love you out loud, sisters actually enjoying each other's company - folklore, I tell you, fairy tales! Yet having lived in big girl panties for years now, I realize that I am responsible for healing my own life, overcoming my family dysfunction and releasing them from blame. I understand where my issues come from, had some lovely therapy, but I'm not interested in raking anyone over the coals. I'm a little busy. Finding joy is a full time job.