Wednesday, June 18, 2008


PJ passed along an article that you should find interesting reading. I had to calm down a bit before I replied, but apparently they don't let you comment after 2 days. So I will post my response here. It' s like a belated birthday present to PJ and to all of you. And since it's my space, I'm not going to bother being polite like I was planning on doing. Cause it just feels good to say it like it is:

Dear Jackass:

I was encouraged to read your article where you indirectly accused my friend and fellow blogger of "whining" past her allotted time as a result of infertility. I was encouraged because you didn't get to pass on your "empathy" and "compassion" genes. I betcha she wishes she could be British so she could have that typical British stiff upper lip I've heard so much about. What a nerve she has to come out of her silent and therefore noble suffering to connect with millions of people who are undergoing the same issue. I guess you hadn't read any of the hundreds of infertility blogs in the UK. Or did it just piss you off that the venerable New York Times actually carried the story. Don't you just wish you had chronicled your adventures in infertility in the Guardian earlier? Just think of the hearts you could have touched, the connections you could have made with people who might have been encouraged to feel that they weren't alone! Nah.

Oh, that's right. You had the good sense to keep that part of your life private. Hidden. No need to burden the rest of society with your stupid little problem. "Those are the breaks" after all. I'd like to know a few things, though, cause you didn't really get into it in your article about "whining".

Was it at all difficult (or perhaps annoying or inconvenient would be more appropriate) for you and your wife throughout the years you were trying to conceive? Did you go through IVF? I hear the NHS will pay for treatments if you wait long enough in the queue. How fortunate not to have money in the way of bringing a longed for child into the world. How many expensive peesticks did you pee on only to see - nothing? No cross, no pink line. Month after month, for years. Did you try ICSI? No? But I bet it was fun handing those "samples" over to the nurse. How many times did you inject ever increasing quantities of hormones into your body? Kinda gets in the way of romance, doesn't it? But hey, I bet you know the business end of a hypodermic needle now! Not to mention, those pesky social invitations, baby showers and pregnancy announcements and constant enquiries about your ability to procreate? How about donor inseminations? Did you try that? I heard it's great fun going through the catalogues looking for quality specimens. What about just trying to relax? That always works. It's a good thing you could keep a lid over your emotions during all of that fuss and bother. Does your wife have a blog? Or did she write one for Mother's Day? That I would have loved to read because I'm sure it would have been full of hearwarming encouragement.

And why do you think its "nuts" to "mourn over something that never existed"? Western society has trained us to believe that we can have anything we want as long as we are willing to work hard at it, persevere, never give up, be positive and visualize your way to success. I wasn't whining or complaining about our tough breaks. I was too busy changing my diet, changing my attitude, partaking of both Eastern and Western medicine. You should do a little more research into the infertility blogs - quite a few of us came pretty darn close to having something that had a heartbeat before it got flushed, D&C 'd out, or delivered stillborn. Did you know that at 5 months you still have to DELIVER this something that never existed?!! Do you actually think there is a PAIN OLYMPICS, where we compare who is more justified to their suffering? Apparently, you do. Hey, the deady baby momma gets the gold! Mrs. Never Got Knocked Up didn't even place.

So many of us, like the blogger you were so kind not to name, just have the dream of the child they never had to get over. It's a bitter pill to swallow that life just doesn't work out as you planned it not matter how many "right" things you do. But we'll get it down. With wine, cause we can drink now. Man, when I think of all the money I saved on diapers! Hey, I could use the money to "just adopt". Is that what you did? I mean, you just wanted a child to love, right, it doesn't really need to be your own, right? Right? How much does it cost there? In Canada it's about $20 - $50K. That's cheap in British pounds. And the home study where you get finger printed and have every area of your life questioned is fun and enlightening! You know, if you go for an older child with special needs, it's cheaper! Do you have a patent on that "stuff it down and get over it" attitude? You could sell it and adopt tomorrow! Go for it, that way you're guaranteed a gift on Father's Day.


Enlightened One.


luna said...

perfect, really.

and wishing you a very happy and joyous birthday. may this year see much happiness/

Phoebe said...

I just came over to wish you a happy birthday today!!

loribeth said...

You kind of expect this sort of attitude from fertiles. It's much harder to take from people who are supposed to understand. :(

Pamela T. said...

Luv it, luv it, LUV it. You are a love for writing it...when do we actually get to meet in person? I owe you a wine cellar's amount of drinks for all the support you've provided. You are the BEST!

Tricia said...

This is perfect!

dmarie said...

First--Happy Birthday!!!

Second--Love your response!

Phoebe said...

I finally had time to read that guy's editorial, and "jackass" does describe him appropriately!! I can't believe he took a pot-shot at PJ and her blog. That makes me mad, especially with the "I am better than thou for moving on" BS. I think he took his pent up anger at not being able to reproduce out on everyone else who is honest about their feelings. Can you say "denial"?

Shinejil said...

Right on, Deathstar!

I didn't have the heart at the moment to click over to Mr. Jackass. But it sounds like all his rage at IF he's unleashed on a woman he's never met--and has clearly never read. Very manly, brave, and noble, indeed.

Lori Lavender Luz said...

Happy belated birthday!

Anyone who has you at her back is one lucky infertile.

Off to see the jackass!

Quirky Cafe said...

Happy Belated Birthday. I love reading your blog.

I can think of MUCH stronger words than Jackass.

Blessings to you