My best friend is pregnant. We had lunch the other day and she said she wasn't feeling pregnant and I encouraged her - I thought she tested a bit early so I told there was still hope. Lo and behold she had a beta and she is. I knew somehow that she would succeed on her first attempt. You'd have to know her to believe that. She is so sunny and supportive, so determined and so laid back at the same time. Not that it's a personality thing but I had a gut feeling. I was with my inlaws when she called me and I squealed and my mouth made all the happy sounds and words. And then I was quiet for the rest of the night. (And you what's weird, they too felt that oh, that's nice, let's watch a movie now.) I am happy for her, relieved that she doesn't have to be disappointed. Still this happiness feels tainted by my own bitter experiences. That sucks. I hate that. Fuck IF! I had chanted a hour for her the night before trying to send her positive vibes that she be spared the disappointment that I have felt and to experience a big fat positive. I will continue to chant for her health and the health of her baby.
And now, for some silly reason, I feel alone again. We share so much in common but this journey, I have nothing to say to her. I've never been pregnant. I don't know anything about it. Even when I occasionally get trapped in one of the all woman let's -share -horror delivery -stories conversations, I usually go off in search of wine or my happy place. I've been in love, so I had lots to say on that topic, I've been married, had marital problems, had spiritual problems, had family problems - she always looked to me for guidance. We encouraged and cheered one another on. Yeah, I know, I know, I've managed to make this all about me. But a woman my age has a perspective about what it's like for an infertile woman in an fertile world and I'm just being truthful. So I feel sad that I can't share this experience in the way that I've shared other experiences with her. Cheated. I've never read What to Expect when You're Expecting. Was on the list of books to read but... I guess that's the mother in me. Wanting to guide, wanting to protect.
And yep, it's a nightmare for a person like me to NOT KNOW about something first hand. I know the phrase, "I don't know" rarely comes out of my mouth because it was drilled into my head from a young age that I "had to be better than anyone else" in order to achieve the same acknowledgement. I actually spent a day saying, "I don't know" as an exercise in feeling out of control to teach me that I don't HAVE TO KNOW everything. And it's become quite obvious to me that I really DON'T KNOW ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS. The more I study the Buddhist gosho, the more I struggle to understand about this life's purpose. Some things I get, others I don't. Not really, not with my life. And what I have yearned for for so long TO KNOW, is this special thing that I have traded chunks of my joyful life to experience. It cost me the woman I used to be. My journey apparently is to travel another path. Not what I prayed for, but something else.
I guess this is the part where I grow again. Ouch. Thanks universe for checking my ego. It's not all about me, life goes on, procreation goes on. This is the part where I learn to be a different kind of friend. We'll still walk our babies in the park. She'll just be the one with stretch marks. :)