Sunday, February 22, 2009

Yay! Ouch!

My best friend is pregnant. We had lunch the other day and she said she wasn't feeling pregnant and I encouraged her - I thought she tested a bit early so I told there was still hope. Lo and behold she had a beta and she is. I knew somehow that she would succeed on her first attempt. You'd have to know her to believe that. She is so sunny and supportive, so determined and so laid back at the same time. Not that it's a personality thing but I had a gut feeling. I was with my inlaws when she called me and I squealed and my mouth made all the happy sounds and words. And then I was quiet for the rest of the night. (And you what's weird, they too felt that oh, that's nice, let's watch a movie now.) I am happy for her, relieved that she doesn't have to be disappointed. Still this happiness feels tainted by my own bitter experiences. That sucks. I hate that. Fuck IF! I had chanted a hour for her the night before trying to send her positive vibes that she be spared the disappointment that I have felt and to experience a big fat positive. I will continue to chant for her health and the health of her baby.

And now, for some silly reason, I feel alone again. We share so much in common but this journey, I have nothing to say to her. I've never been pregnant. I don't know anything about it. Even when I occasionally get trapped in one of the all woman let's -share -horror delivery -stories conversations, I usually go off in search of wine or my happy place. I've been in love, so I had lots to say on that topic, I've been married, had marital problems, had spiritual problems, had family problems - she always looked to me for guidance. We encouraged and cheered one another on. Yeah, I know, I know, I've managed to make this all about me. But a woman my age has a perspective about what it's like for an infertile woman in an fertile world and I'm just being truthful. So I feel sad that I can't share this experience in the way that I've shared other experiences with her. Cheated. I've never read What to Expect when You're Expecting. Was on the list of books to read but... I guess that's the mother in me. Wanting to guide, wanting to protect.

And yep, it's a nightmare for a person like me to NOT KNOW about something first hand. I know the phrase, "I don't know" rarely comes out of my mouth because it was drilled into my head from a young age that I "had to be better than anyone else" in order to achieve the same acknowledgement. I actually spent a day saying, "I don't know" as an exercise in feeling out of control to teach me that I don't HAVE TO KNOW everything. And it's become quite obvious to me that I really DON'T KNOW ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS. The more I study the Buddhist gosho, the more I struggle to understand about this life's purpose. Some things I get, others I don't. Not really, not with my life. And what I have yearned for for so long TO KNOW, is this special thing that I have traded chunks of my joyful life to experience. It cost me the woman I used to be. My journey apparently is to travel another path. Not what I prayed for, but something else.

I guess this is the part where I grow again. Ouch. Thanks universe for checking my ego. It's not all about me, life goes on, procreation goes on. This is the part where I learn to be a different kind of friend. We'll still walk our babies in the park. She'll just be the one with stretch marks. :)

16 comments:

Me said...

My oldest friend is 10 weeks pregnant. And I've already been nursery furniture shopping with her. It does hurt. But I'm making a very genuine (though not always successful) attempt not to wince in front of her.

annacyclopedia said...

This is a beautiful post, Deathstar. You just capture so perfectly the swirl of emotion that can pull us in so many directions at once. Wishing you growth that easily brings you peace and joy.

princessoftides said...

Ugh, I always say that IF is a lot like musical chairs, where you're always the one left standing. Hang in there, and remember that it's normal to feel jealous and happy for your friend at the same time!! Nice to meet you through ICLW...

luna said...

"And what I have yearned for for so long TO KNOW, is this special thing that I have traded chunks of my joyful life to experience. It cost me the woman I used to be. My journey apparently is to travel another path. Not what I prayed for, but something else."

this captures so very much. this journey of ours is the greatest teacher, no?

Wordgirl said...

I always feel such resonance when I come here Deathstar. I feel very grateful to you in the blogosphere, in this world.

I find that the hardest thing for me has been to open my heart to my friends (or my brother) in their joy.

One of the things I love most about your blog is your honesty with yourself and your readers. You acknowledge and process and takes us with you, and then you stand up straight and put your feet solidly on the path again.

You inspire me. You really do.

Love to you Deathstar -- from our snow to your rain,

XO

Pam

michelle said...

thankyou for writing that post...it was beautiful, meaningful and exactly how I am feeling...my best friend is expecting in May....ahhh the one thing we just don't have in comman..after 20 years of doing everything together....
hard but true....we are given a different path....
oh and no stretch marks isn't a bad thing.....lol
great to meet you through ICLW...

m :)

loribeth said...

Beautiful post, but your title really summarizes it all in a nutshell -- happy for her, sad for yourself. Believe me, you're not alone in feeling that way!

Beautiful Mess said...

I'm sorry this hurt you. But since you to are such great friends, maybe there's another way for you to connect with her during this pregnancy? I wish you peace.
*ICLW*

Kristin said...

I am so sorry you aren't able to experience this with her. You have captured the conflicting emotions we all feel in that situation so eloquently.

~ICLW

caitsmom said...

I love the title of your post, fits perfectly. A raw and honest look with a twist at times--"thanks universe for checking my ego". Beautifully written. Sending hugs to you and your friend.

ICLW

Emmy said...

It does hurt SO much sometimes. It sounds like you were a great and supportive friend, despite the fact that you were crying inside.

Good luck.

Nicole said...

I too have shared the journey with my best friend (although hers is secondary IF). When they committed to international adoption I was so hurt...we had be talking about it long before they had and if felt like we weren't moving anywhere and here they were going to end up with two before we had one. It hurt, to be honest. But time has gone by and it is such a joy to continue to share in each other's journeys. Even though they are now different.

Good luck!

ICLW #39

Michelle said...

I know exactly how you feel. I have gone through this with my little sis and it has been very hard. You definitely are not alone.

Jo said...

I love your last comment. What a great perspective!

Seriously? - Erin said...

Here from ICLW. I am sorry that you have to deal with this. I always try and walk that fine line with my friends who are having difficult time getting pregnant (she is starting IVF) and my friend who lost a baby a few months ago.

All the best.

Coming2Terms said...

I felt the sucker punch all the way down here in California. As others have said, you've captured perfectly the conflicting sensations and emotions that come with being on the outside looking in...and trying not to color your friend's experience with your own.