Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Whining, Waiting and Red Stilettos

I went to a fundraiser show for a very accomplished and talented actress who has terminal cancer - and I'm watching her plays be read and people sing her praises and perform odes to her - and I'm thinking - if I died tomorrow, what precisely would I have accomplished? She has a great reel and she has a son. I know her professionally; when I first came to town, she took me to a play, but we never became friends. I was far more interested in partying and getting laid. She was married and had a son, and it was apparent that she adored her son and he was a miracle to her. She must have thought I was a ditz. I probably was and happily so.

This is what self-pity does. Part of me was in complete awe for her and her life and the other part of me was - you have 6 years of wasted time behind you and if you put on your night vision goggles, you'll see recurring "neurotic" depression sitting in the corner waiting patiently in the corner for you. Always nice to hear your point of view, Evil Twin. Thanks a lot. I completely missed the point that I have my health and my life and my future ahead of me. Nice job. Apparently, the dis-ease of IF still lingers like nerve damage.

Yep, I was doing fine with my keep busy plan and I was feeling so useful after my time in Banff and then I came back and saw a colleague with her new baby, then my best friend gets knocked up, and I spend an evening with my other good friends with their two adorable girls (with my hubby reading the 3 year old bedtime stories and me feeding the infant her dinner) and all of a sudden, my gut is twisted with the yearning to be a mother. AND THEN I get an email from our adoption agency for prospective adoptive parents to have a house and yard, have one stay at home parent and lead an active athletic lifestyle for the Asian biracial child. Well, 1 out of 3 ain't bad. AND THEN I get a call from our adoption agency about a birth mother in the States who wants Christians and yes I have answered this question before in person and in my profile, we are NOT! I did however calmly pass along the suggestion to that they encourage the US agency to share our profile with the birth mother first to see if we share similar values. I quietly rage inside.

No amount of shopping, drinking, whining is going to fill me up and take away the panic I feel and I know it. I bought a t-shirt the other day. It was cute, it was orange, I didn't need it at all, but you know, I had to have something. If hubby is getting an external hard drive, then surely I can get a lousy t-shirt at Winners. Cause that will make me feel better. Hahaha. Oooh, look those shoes are on sale. I'll get those too. Why not? And that chocolate bar? Why not? Since I've been saying yes to treats a bit too much, I thought I'd go to the gym, work off the nervous negativity. Work up a good sweat, take care of my health. I stepped on the elliptical and hey, there's a People and an US magazine. Ooh, great, stories about actresses losing their baby weight, oh, look more pictures of filthy rich yummy mummies and their adorable children. Never mind, I'll just go home and wait for my senile mum to come over. Pulling up her diapers and putting a bib on her always makes me feel better.

Could be PMS, that's why I'm a little sensitive? My boobs are full and achey, mocking me. Pre-menstrual, pre-menopausal, whatever. The patience that I often talk about, just hanging in there five minutes longer? The equanimity, the perseverance? The waiting? You know, the thing I've been doing for years? It's chafing. I've had it. I mailed off the necessary information to hire a US lawyer (phone conference to follow), and I made a phonecall to a US adoption agency but they don't work with Canadians. I tried not to sound desperate. Today, I will try Ontario agencies and see what can be done and get our internet profile going. Now it's all about writing cheques. I mentally write a prescription for myself. One hour daimoku, Rescue Remedy, vitamins, exercise, I have a phonecall scheduled with a counsellor (for next week cause I love waiting), I've got it all planned out. Maybe I should put on my red stilettos cause if someone is going to snap my last nerve, I might as well be dressed for it so I can shove my heel up their ass.

Thanks, I feel better. The Buddhist with an Edge is on a roll.


Beautiful Mess said...

I think wearing RED stilettos is a wonderful idea! If nothing else you'll feel oh so sexy. Plus the added bonus of mentally picturing shoving your heel into someone's ass is nice too. I'm sending you hugs and peaceful vibes.

luna said...

buddhist with an edge, nice! you know it IS chafing. there's only so much you can take. we all have our moments of losing it. it's how and when we regain our strength that matters. letting off a little steam sometimes is important. that's why they call it a "vent"...

thinking of you.

loribeth said...

OK -- part of me is totally cracking up over this post.

Part of me wants to don a pair of red stilettos & join you in said shoving. : )

And part of me wants to give you a big ol' (((HUG))).

Hope the vent made you feel better!

OHN said...

But you are a wonderful Buddhist with an edge if that counts for anything.

It drives me nuts that they don't show your profile to EVERYONE and only pluck it out if it "fits".

Hell, I lied like a rug to be accepted to the local agency. It got us seen and ultimately chosen and you know what???? It all worked out perfectly, even if I did have to word things to their "template" of who would be accepted. (I can only admit this now because that baby is now 20 and I think the statute of limitations on white lie telling has run out).

VA Blondie said...

I love the Buddha with an edge! What a great image. Red stilettos are definitely not optional.

Sending you good chi!

annacyclopedia said...

The chafing. I know it well. I know you know it will pass, but it is damn uncomfortable until it does.

Saying lovingkindness phrases for you right now, and wishing you respite from the hole that is such a part of this life, for all of us.

VA Blondie said...

I sort of feel like a stalker now. This is the second comment I have made on this post. I loved the post, though. Maybe we could get together a gang and call it "Buddas with an Edge." We can all wear red stilettos and kick ass!

I wanted to thank you for your comment on my blog. Our Danes do sleep anywhere they want to. Our girl is the smaller of the two at about 100 pounds, and our boy is 150 pounds. They are pretty much immovable once they settle down. We definitely see the law of conservation of dog energy. A dog at rest will remain at rest.

Wordgirl said...

Um, we should have a red stilettos CLUB.

You and I could spend an evening talking and ending up laughing our asses off -- after we imagined all the different scenarios where we might put those shoes to use.

I saw a lot of myself in this post -- someone asked me how I felt recently -- and I realized that IF has almost disconnected me from my feelings --

but those raw nerves, they are there.

I too am off hard-core exercise for a while but loving the chocolate...*sigh*

you are always in my thoughts Deathstar -- I hope tomorrow is a bright day where you are.



Anonymous said...

I'm really pissed that our agency won't work with Canadians. Good grief! But honey I know you will get to the endgame. We are all pulling for you.

Kevin, Leah & Bodhi said...

Hey Buddhist With An Edge I just wanted to tell you that I adore you and that I am in awe of your honesty and strength. I heart you.

Pamela T. said...

your boobs must be communicating directly with my boobs -- 'cause they're aching and sore and, yes, PMS is raging...

sorry about the stupid "requirements" -- I'd be inclined to write back: I want a child who's always well behaved, who's biological parents are perfect and, please: must have a trust fund set aside for the college education. grrr. I warned you the PMS was raging.

Barely Sane said...

Which agency are you using???

email me barely_sane71 at yahoo dot ca

Me said...

Some days are rough. ((HUGS))

WannabeMommy said...

Buddhist with an edge... I love that.