Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Universe is testing me again

I had an audition yesterday, right after talking to my friend about how her eggs are doing in the fertility lab. Bodhisattva of Infertility, that's me! Guess who walked in to the waiting room? An actress friend I hadn't seen in ages, with her new baby! I took one look at her and tears started to well up. (I know your journey, she says, so I know our mutual friend spilled the beans) I've known her for ages and we have mutual friends, we just never really hung out. She was the one who told me about seeing her gynecologist for fibroids (she had surgery to remove them) and now she has a baby at 42. A beautiful biracial baby girl. Yes, it's taking everything in there to not go to my bitter, envious place, but I'M NOT GOING THERE. (She has the life YOU wanted, you know. They all do.)


I held her baby girl while she went in to audition. As I write this, the Bitter Betty voices are whispering (my life, my life). I looked down and smiled and cooed at the little one grasping my shirt mouth open looking for food. She started to cry a bit so I stood up (she knows you're not her mum) and I rocked her back and forth. I told my friend that I would be babysitting soon, so if she ever needed someone to look after her wee one for an audition or something (can you really do this? you don't know anything about babies). I can learn, I have this opportunity to prepare (this is not an audition, you know) and I need to get back there in the land of children. I can do this (hello, heartache).


We talked a bit about "my journey", but I kept switching the subject. She doesn't know anything about it herself, so I don't want to go down that tiring road. I took her new number and I will call her later (when you're drunk). She has to go feed her baby in her car (just like how you would have done) and I have to get back to my life (taking care of your mum, filling out paperwork, making money to afford a child).


I can do this.

5 comments:

luna said...

oh that is tough. sounds like you handles yourself like quite the pro. I especially like the inner monologue.

you can do this.

Coming2Terms said...

Your parentheticals are right out of my heart...what a bittersweet encounter.

p.s. thank you very much for your sweet and touching comment on my blogoversary. You've been a rock for me, too.

Wordgirl said...

You CAN do this my friend, and I'll be holding your hand all the way (and we can carry on our interior dialogues too -- I have those ALL the time)

I understand how those moments stretch the heart and its hard to tell if its pain because it feels so much like it, and then I tell myself later that its making room in my heart --everytime I look at A, or welcome that baby energy -- I know that's a little 'woo-woo' -- but its helped me.

I'm thinking of you my friend.

And not only can you? You will do it.

Love,

Pam

loribeth said...

"I can do this." Yes, you can.(((hugs)))

eemilla said...

I have to say thanks for this post; I am so amazed by your strength and grace.