Friday, July 11, 2008

What is going on with me?

I am so tired it's not funny. I seriously have to get to the blood clinic today for a test. I feel my energy is low, I'm craving sugar like an addict, I'm exercising my ass off and no weight is coming off, which is probably due to the serious cheating I'm doing - it's almost like an unconscious thing - I bought a icing laden cinnamon roll at Safeway the other day cause it was 99 cents! - what the hell was I thinking??!!! Oh, it couldn't hurt, I'm doing all this working out - well apparently it does. If I could just count my bloody points and stay off the crack (i.e. sugar) I will be fine.
My mood is also quite low - as in nothing is as fun as it used to be. I've got a great bike that all of sudden I don't want to ride anymore. I basically force myself to take it to the gym. I'm short on patience these days. It's hard to spend time with my mum, my husband's compulsive chewing on his friggin fingers all night long is driving me insane and it takes everything in me not to cave his skull in. I'd rather stay home and play Scrabulous all day. I'm so dramatic.
I went to Seattle for a day of shopping with my betrothed friend. No, I had fun, don't get me wrong, but I wish we were looking for shoes instead. Well maybe not, my right ankle is still fat. But I still love shoes. She's hilarious and silly and she's as bright and energetic as a beam of light. But my mood was flattened somewhat by the fact that I knew I would try on a lot of dresses that would not suit me or fit me and my self esteem would take a battering. Which it did. Bless my dear size 2 friend who kept bugging me to get the smaller size and she was so kind and so complimentary and so patient.

We were looking for an orange formal dress - it's her wedding scheme colour - of which we found 3 and of course, they were either not in my size or they looked like shit - designer shit, but despite my stunning beauty, I don't look good in everything, but I do look good in orange. And there are lots of orange casual dresses around, just not what I'm looking for. We also looked at black and white dresses. I have a tiny, short waist and a bit of a tummy, long, thick legs, long thick arms, great shoulders, and a pear shape. Ohmigod, I just made myself sound like a freak, didn't I? Which means A line silhouettes are good as long as they have empire waists, but no pleats or ruching on the stomach ..... well the point is most dresses don't suit me. That's why I only have a few and they're generally long. Like most women, I am smaller on the top than the bottom. Between Macy's and Nordstrom's and every boutique we could find, I found two formal dresses that looked good. Two. Well, in the colours we looked at. We were like mercenaries seeking out the enemy. The perfect dress.

I finally bought one of them. A long black gown with a plunging neckline highlighted by rhinestones in the cleavage. It was the first dress I put on that I actually thought I looked good in right away. The other one was a Jones New York dress, sheath like, white top, black bottom, should have been strapless but it had straps. Of course, I didn't get it, didn't think I could afford two dresses, but now I think I should have bought it. It kind of accentuated my child bearing (hah!) hips with the pleats which made me feel a tad self conscious. The long, black gown, I could wear at the night time reception, I guess and I'm sure I can get more use out of it. I still need a daytime formal dress though. Arrgh! I will get one made I think. This guerilla shopping for the perfect dress is nuts. Even for my own wedding, I had a gown made. Saved me a ton of grief and time. Do you think I should have one made,with maybe cream on top and dark orange on the bottom?
By the time we finished shopping, we were in serious need of a drink. We stopped at the Cheesecake Factory and I had a glass of wine, a salad (I only ate a 1/4 of it) and wait for it - a big honking piece of apple caramel cheesecake! I have no idea how many calories were in it and I don't want to know. Well, it had fruit, so that's good right? Honestly, who was I kidding with salad, I should have gone straight through to the dessert. It was soooo good and freaking worth it after pounding the pavement for 8 hours. I would have walked across glass for it.
Anyway, I'm off to take a blood test to find out what's what. Honestly, if anyone has any suggestions of vitamins or something that will give my mind and body a boost let me know.


dmarie said...

You're looking like a lil hottie in that pic! Well...a hottie w/o a head :)

Have a dress made if it'll make you more comfortable. I hate having something on I gotta fiddle with or suck in all night.

I have no advice on the vitamins, but I'm gonna check back b/c I could use something

loribeth said...

I hope you're feeling better soon! Are they going to check your thyroid levels? -- that's the first thing I think of when I hear of people feeling sluggish & gaining weight. (Not that being on meds for 10+ years has helped me lose any...!)

I've been having a fun week of aches & pains myself. This getting older thing sucks. :(

On the bright side, I always have found retail therapy to be a great diversion. ; ) Love the dress!

Anonymous said...

Start reading labels. Don't cut the sugar, but start cutting everything that has these four words.


Even REGULAR corn syrup is okay, but this stuff--treat it as if it were a friend who hit on your husband and avoid accordingly.

High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS) is sweeter than sugar and highly addictive. Yes, this will mean giving up pepsi, and making good friends with boylan but you will feel better and you will lose weight.

Be warned. Even a small amount of HFCS can make you hungry for sweets for the rest of the day. and you will be AMAZED at what all has this shit in it. (Weight Watchers candy for one.)

Good luck.

Guera! said...

I don't mean to state the obvious but it sounds like a textbook case of depression. Love the dress.

Barely Sane said...

No suggestions just sending a cyber hug to let you know you've got a cheering section out here all with you in spirit.

And on a side note, I look dreadful in orange (pasty white skin) but I so wish I could wear it!!!

luna said...

has it been as hot up there as everyone else in N. America? the heat makes me really tired. and it probably also makes me want to eat cheesecake. but not exercise. at all.

is that your gorgeous bod in that dress? congrats on your purchases. what shade of orange? citrus? melon? salmon? peach?

Pale said...

Hi ... I followed a link from Tales Of The Phoenix and I just wanted to say hello. I am reading your Buddhist posts and I borrowed your hot dog vendor joke and linked to you today.

The black and white dress looks swell. You should let us see the one you bought!!


Pale said...

I just read this in your archive (I hope my previous comment got to you):

"I also received guidance through another friend. She told me that I seem to be always
talking about walls, how every way I seem to be blocked in my life, how much I analyzed and agonized about what to do and how I should do it. My roommate chimed in she remembered something that Pres. Ikeda once wrote. If the path before me is blocked, then fly. Tears flooded my eyes. I've been so scared of not being able to control things that cannot be controlled. What if we can't get the money? What if we invite more heartache and disaster into our lives by adopting? And now I could understand that all that worrying, fretting, trying to intellectualize my way out of my hell just resulted in depression and helplessness.

If the path before me is blocked, then fly. I know what this means for me. What does it mean to you?"

That was awesome. Thank you for that.


Mrs.X said...

It is always so frustrating to feel awful and not know what is causing it! Could it be something with your thyroid? I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions, but I do hope you feel better ASAP!

Although, I would have to say searching for an orange formal dress would put me in a pretty bad mood.

My prescription: one hot bath, lots of bubbles, man waiting on you hand and foot, trashy novel topped with luscious glass of wine (or similar sparkling beverage).

Pamela T. said...

Hmmm. Thyroid, perhaps? Otherswise, I thinkg I have to second Journeywoman as well as Portraits...could be the wrong kind of sugar with a dollop of depression. Don't get me wrong, I fight these demons, too. How can we not? sigh. For me it's not the sugary treats so much as the, ahem, liquid ones starting with "w"

As the dress. Creme and orange sounds hot! Love all of the tangarine colors out now.

Lori Lavender Luz said...

I see I'm saying what everyone else has: you look HOT in that photo!

Hope all went well at the doctor, and that you've got some easy ideas for feeling better.

annacyclopedia said...

Do you get enough B vitamins? I find I can get a bit draggy if I'm not getting enough, and depressed, too. Sugar, of course, is the devil. (Says she who ate almost a whole box of Hot Tamales yesterday and wonders why my tummy hurts today - did you know they contain mineral oil? Sick.) And definitely check the thyroid if you haven't done so already. Oh, and maybe check your iron levels too. Floradix liquid iron supplement tastes pretty vile but really helped a lot when I first started taking it.

Damn, I started talking about nutrition and supplements. I might never shut up.

That dress looks smokin and I would love to see the other one. I bet you look like a rockstar in orange!