Thursday, July 31, 2008

The List

I finally delivered our adoption portfolios to the agency today. (They did have our initial profile, but they wanted a more complete package. We had a little hitch - we had to rewrite a few things that pertained to our dog, actually an entire page. He was one of the beings under the category of what matters to me. It feels like I've come off the fence in so many ways. Moving on.

DH asked me if I was "happily married" again. You may or may not have noticed that I removed the "happily" from the married part under my profile on the side when I got the elephant in the room talk. I told him I was. Happily married. And then the dog died and we were catapulted back into the world of grief, tears, anger, loss and depression. We've shared some tender moments, true. Amazing. We always pull together when times get rough. We can be an amazing team when we put our minds to it. It would be nice if we could look forward to a momentous occasion where there wasn't grief and loss attached to it. Do you hear that universe? We should be excited and happy and anxious to be new parents. And right now, those feelings are on hold due to extreme sadness. It's times like this when I wish we had a little one here to brighten up his day after work. And I don't mean a puppy either.

On the other hand, it seems like tragedy seems to shake us (me) out of our slow way of doing things. Well, I'll speak for myself. Miss Procrastination. Taxes are done - we're seeing the accountant tomorrow. Check that off the List of Unpleasant Things To Do. That makes me nauseous actually. I'm sure we owe, but the question is how much. Ewww. The only saving grace is that my career has been spectacularly bad these past 2 years, so my expenditures may have outpaced my earnings enough to make me not have to pay too much. But I made enough from notetaking to exceed the basic personal allowance. Or I could be seriously kidding myself. The problem with being an actress is that your earnings are so unpredictable and erratic, it's hard to save money to pay taxes as you constantly have to spend money on such things as new headshots or gas or IVF or .... food.

I have a list of pretty serious Unpleasant Things to Do list and I have noticed that things that have to do with money or numbers or massive amounts of paperwork never seem to get done in a timely fashion. I have to say that I think I have developed a neurotic aversion to such things. I always have a million excuses to avoid such tasks. Suddenly the laundry or housework or email seems more urgent. With no dog to walk and feeling energetic in the morning thanks to my happy pills, I guess I'll have more motivation to tackle the List. I hope. Next year, I have every intention of hiring a student or somebody to just tally up my expenses for me. I actually have a filing system, but I can't seem to get it done on my own without a huge amount of stress and anxiety.

And speaking of happy pills, they've made my skin break out. I'm not happy.


Wordgirl said...

Hi lady,

I'm very much like that with anything to do with money -- I have to put things on automatic bill pay because sometimes the anxiety of getting to it -- even though I'm in much better shape now financially than I used to be -- my mom and I talk about how the ghosts of the past anxiety still lurk around. For me I am VERY good at procrastinating -- even with writing which, supposedly, I LIKE to to do -- figure that one out.

I can't wait to hear about the next step in the adoption process, and I'm heartened to hear that the days are getting easier. My heart and thoughts are still with you.



luna said...

ah, I hear you on the money front. my hub has a small business that can be erratic, same deal with estimating taxes too.

sorry you had to re-tool the adoption profile. I hope things at home are ok even with all the sadness...

strange because I've wanted to include a pic of our pup in our profile. she was such a huge part of our family and plus some day we'll have another dog and I hate the thought that we are a pup-less family now. hope that doesn't come out weird, because my intent would never be to replace her (I could never). but they play such a big part of our lives that it's still odd to be without her after a year...

I'm rambling now, sorry. hope the new profile gets some good hits!

Pamela T. said...

You've had far too much crap from the universe coming your way the past few years. Time for the universe to get its act together and balance it out with some really good stuff for a change.

As for procrastinating on things that are a reminder of the things which cause stress...I have the same affliction.

Hope things take a turn for the better.

Guera! said...

I will be tuning in for updates on the adoption process. Hope you have good news soon!

Barely Sane said...

Whoo hooo.... profile is in!

Which agency did you guys go with?

Deathstar said...

Barely Sane:

The agency is Sunrise.