I quickly gave my a closet a once over and decided I could get rid of a few things. I didn't do a complete overhaul as that would have required sifting through too much and then I'd have to refold and that seemed too big a task. These pants, neatly folded in a drawer, jumped into my mind. They are extra large drawstring cotton pants. I got them at the Roots warehouse. I'm no longer extra large, though I'm sure they would still fit if I pulled the drawstring tight, but I don't need them anymore. I bought them during my very first, shiny IVF cycle. I thought they would be perfect for pregnancy.
If you're anything like me, you associate clothes with different periods of your life or certain memories. The special occasion you bought something for or the day you were really sad and you needed some retail therapy. Now I've been known to shop for hours on my own or with a partner. During vacations, it's something I just gotta do. As I've gotten older and wiser, I'm much more selective. I tend to clutter, so I really have to think twice before I get something and one of my rules is that if it doesn't have a purpose (i.e. vase, bowl), then it's just a knickknack waiting to get dusty. I love shopping, generally speaking. I like shopping for other people as well. Even when I got FAT, and shopping for clothes become a fucking nightmare, I still liked to shop for shoes or purses or housewares. Sometimes, when I have extra money, I buy something and squirrel it away, waiting for the right occasion to bring it out.
These pants were something like that. They didn't scream maternity wear, though I did wander through that section of the store, quite surprised that a Roots warehouse would even have that section. It was more like a whisper. A secret. I waited in the long queue with my secret hope that I'd be wearing these pants in just a couple of months.
I might have eagerly worn one pair, I think, when I was quite swollen after an egg retrieval. I guess when we moved downtown 2 years ago, I thoughtlessly included them. Every now and again, when I had to go rooting for workout clothes, I would catch a glimpse of them, and I'd quickly push their purpose out of my mind. I have a few things left that remind me of that rollercoaster period of my life, I just love souvenirs, but when I'm feeling heavy, I just gotta wonder why I like to cling to reminders of the past. The "unproductive" past specifically.
So in an effort to let go of sadness and malaise, I'm going to start divesting myself of things, root out the crap, so I can see more clearly. I attended a young women's general meeting yesterday afternoon and they talked about the unlimited potential of your life. And then I went to an awesome study meeting later on, and I felt so much better. Everyone struggles. Everyone questions, but as long as one continues to seek with an open heart, there is hope. And wine. :)