Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Keeping it together

Okay, still breathing. Had a dream about my dog last night. It was night and my husband and I were walking down a street and for some reason had to go past a deserted boarded up block. somehow we came across a dog and a raccoon. You could barely see the dog, it was so dark and he was black, but you could see the eyes of the raccoon. We started running and I called to the dog, here boy, here boy and then my husband called him. I was upset because I wanted the dog to come to me. Suddenly I felt something between my thighs - a muzzle - and I wasn't sure if it was the dog or the raccoon and I made myself wake up. Naturally, the dream was about my dog. The raccoon - fear. I think. He loved to chase raccoons and I was always discouraged it for obvious reasons. We see them here in the city a lot. I always give them respect and a wide berth. They're smart and tough and they've always got backup nearby. We had this game we used to play with Sampson. One of us would run off, usually me and my hubby would send the dog speeding off towards me - "where's your girl?" and then he would get to me and I would say - "where's daddy? go get 'im". I would always run away laughing and shrieking and when he would "tag me", he would always turn and run back to DH. Mouth open, tongue hanging, you might say he was smiling. Stanley Coren, local dog expert, said that to a dog, running free was akin to dancing to humans.

When at home, Sampson preferred to have the both of us in the same room. In our place now, he would have to go back and forth from room to room. If a door was shut, he'd butt it open. I remember one time in our old place, we'd had an argument and I went off in the bedroom and I'd slam the door. Sampson eventually came and butt it open (it never closed properly) and he just stared at me and then he'd go back into the living room and stare at hubby and he'd continue butting the door open as many times as I closed it. We ended up laughing and talking to each other again.


Taking the day off bootcamp. I hurt inside and out. I still have a lump below my ankle bone which I have a hot water on at the moment and I tweaked a muscle underneath my shoulder blade doing rollover side planks. I'm tired. But that's not unusual. Yes, I went back to the doctor. My other blood tests (thyroid, liver) came back normal. Which means I have no bloody excuse for my lack of energy and malaise. Yes, I know, my dog died, but I had made the appointment before that happened. I'm aware that grieving is a separate process that doesn't require intervention, but she did say I had all the symptoms of depression. No surprise there. You all mentioned it, I didn't want to whisper the dreaded word but having been through it before, I suspected it. I just had very concrete reasons before and this time it didn't seem so apparent. What was going on beneath the surface? I was looking for a catalyst, but the doctor says there doesn't need to be one. Mmmm. Not sure I believe that, but whatever. I know me. When I stopped losing weight, I got really frustrated with myself. I was doing all the right things and I had plateaued and I was not happy about it. It felt like a setback and I think that was it. Or I could be completely bullshitting myself. I haven't worked in the industry for a while and all the other auditions, came up nada. I don't know. I don't suppose any of my reasoning matters at this point. She said I was doing all the right things for myself, staying active, keeping busy with Buddhist activities - chanting always helps, and I feel grateful for that. Going to meetings always feels like drinking a glass of cool, clear water on a hot day. Just what you need even if you didn't think you were thirsty.

So whether or not I'm too impatient to slog through a summer feeling like I'm dragging around a fridge on my back or scared of swimming too long in the pity pool, I took a prescription for Wellbutrin XL. I had used it years ago and it worked without most of the pesky side effects, like vertigo or no sex drive. I don't have a libido now, no point in making it worse. She told me I would be on it for at least 3 - 6 months, but the last time, I managed to cut it down much sooner. I just feel like a need a springboard out of this funk. As for the grief, I know how to do that. I know how it goes. Been there, done that, it doesn't kill you, it just is what it is for as long as it takes.

Though worldly troubles may arise, never let them disturb you. No one can
avoid problems, not even sages or worthies.

Drink sake only at home with your wife, and chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.
Suffer what there is to suffer, enjoy what there is to enjoy. Regard both
suffering and joy as facts of life, and continue chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.
no matter what happens. How could this be anything other than the boundless joy
of the Law? Strengthen your power of faith more than ever.

- Nichiren Daishonin

I'm watching the high fructose (it's everywhere!) and the coffee. I've got hubby leaving me notes and calling or IMing several times, but I tell him that I haven't hung myself yet. Frankly, he's pretty mopey himself. He is not sleeping well because he stirs at every noise during the night. He still has half an ear out for the dog I think. Or taking over the dog's job, I don't know which. I've got a get a dress made for my friend's wedding. And then there's my hair. See? Lots to do. Oh, yeah, and I now have to remove reference to my beloved Baby Bear from our renovated adoption profile. Sigh. Lots of room in our life now for a little one.


luna said...

good to hear from you. I'm glad you talked to someone. honestly I agree you're doing everything you can to be well. this is just a tough situation, the endless waiting and losing your buddy like that. I'm sorry and hope you're feeling well soon.

I love reading about playing "tag" with sampson. we used to play something similar with our girl and it never failed to make me laugh. they are such good medicine, little healers they are.

after our pup died, I had a dream where I was getting off a plane in a huge sunny field of grains. suddenly off in the distance I saw her running towards me, young and healthy and smiling like she did. I got SO happy in my dream to see her and hug her and give her some love that I woke up crying. I wish I still had those dreams now, it was so real...

Wordgirl said...

Hi Deathstar,

I'm so happy to hear from you - I've been thinking of you often.

I always think of my depression as 'in remission' -- and wonder about, and fear its return -- its very powerful for me to read this entry and understand that next time I'll understand what's going on, and I'll know what path to take, as you are doing so powerfully here -- caring for and being gentle with yourself.

Thank you Deathstar, for being in this blogosphere and having a blog that I stumbled on one day --- the lotus flower attracting me...I really feel comforted by the knowing that you are out there.



annacyclopedia said...

I'm listening and thinking of you. And that Nichiren Daishonin is very wise - keep taking things as they come. I hope the springboard out of your funk launches you beyond the sadness into a life with all your heart's desires.

Guera! said...

Isn't it amazing how common High Fructose Corn Syrup is? It's so hard to find anything without it. What's really scary is when you find something and HFCS is the FIRST listed ingredient. "Yes, I'll have a glass of lemon flavored High Fructose Corn Syrup please".
I am sure the grieving will take some time but Sampson will always be "around". Even now, 7 years after our family's golden retriever died we all still miss him and talk about him with great reverance. My mother thinks he has come back to visit her from time to time. She told my brother this (he was the closest to Rusty) thinking he would tell her she was nuts and all he said was "tell him I said 'hi'." Stories about Rusty are still told around the table at Thanksgiving when we are all together. I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure your home is lonely without Sampson.

loribeth said...

Hang in there!! (((hugs)))