Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Bitter aftertaste

I just thought of something that I really want to add to my previous post. I didn't want to adopt a child because I thought I could AFFORD to adopt a child. I wanted to adopt a child because I wanted to love and raise a responsible, caring human being. I knew I had enough love and enough common sense to nurture and take care of a child until they could take care of themselves. Selfishly, I wanted to be called "mother". I knew we both had enough love and common sense to really enjoy having a child. I've known that for a long time. I never expected to not get pregnant. I never expected failure. I never expected that someone would choose us based on the ability to pay for said privilege. I guess that's just a reality I never really had to think about. And yet when I see couples of on certain adoption websites, the one thing they all share is that there are quite financially well off. They've got the big house, the car, the toys but no children. American birth mothers can have the potential adoptive parents pay $1200 a month until they deliver, hospital expenses, the lawyers have to get paid, papers have to be filed in court, the social workers have to get paid, everybody wants to get paid! That's the reality. And if you're a decent human being that's just a bonus. We're not rich, despite appearances. I would prefer to use the money for a university education or say, uh, a house. I don't want a kid that I can buy STUFF for or dress up like a doll. I just want an opportunity to be a real mother right from the beginning of their lives.

I'm just feeling a little bitter right now. I'll get over it. Right?


Guera! said...

It's pretty unbelievable that it's a "business". It seems like if the child's best interests were truly a priority everything wouldn't be so expensive. On the other hand, adopting from the foster care system is free (no agency fees) because those kids are considered unadoptable. Sad.

Anonymous said...

Not sure what you're getting at here. Are you saying that it is bad that people who have some means adopt or that you are struggling with the financial aspects of adoption?

Having a child was for me a craving to love, raise and nurture a person from birth until adulthood. Yet choosing to wait until after I got married (39) meant that I had more time to become established in my career and my life so that I had for financial stability. Does this make my desire to be a parent a better or worse thing? Truthfully I don't think it has anything to do with it, however, our daughter's firstmother did want financial stability and security (as much as one can have these days) as one of the hopes for Zara. Let me be clear...just one of the hopes, but certainly not the majority or the overarching hope.

Domestic adoption is tough because of the waiting to be picked. International does away with that being picked, but you miss out on the fun of tiny babyhood. I was thrilled to be there was Z was born. But it is true that the right birthparents find you and when they do, the pain and longing diminish so much.

Good luck, my friend!

Kevin, Leah & Bodhi said...

I think we've been drinking the same tea. That bitter aftertaste is in my mouth too.
I haven't been posting but I wanted to let you know that I have been faithfully reading. I miss you and DH!

eemilla said...

The financial side is what I struggle the most with; my honey and I aren't struggling, but we also don't have $100k laying around for IVF or adoption. Hopefully we won't have to cross those bridges, but it makes me so angry that we'll likely have to incur those debts when so many jackasses have babies every day.