Wednesday, November 12, 2008

LITTLE MISS BAD ATTITUDE


Please take a good read on Teendoc's comments on my two previous posts. She writes:




All I can say about that as an adoptive parent in open adoption is that I've never seen or heard about any open adoption relationship that resembles such a scenario. I am my daughter's mother and my husband is her father. We are not co-parenting with her firstparents. We exchange letters, e-mails and phone calls and periodic in person visits. (All of this is decided by the adoptive parent before you match...if you are not comfortable with in person, just do cards and letters).


I always appreciate her candor because she just gives you the straight goods from one who has been there. I have however heard of such scenarios as overnight visits and frequent visits from the birthmothers themselves. I just have to stick with our boundaries and hope we get chosen. When I look at her and her little one, I can practically feel little feet against my face and smell the top of baby's head. It gives me such hope that I too can be a mother.


Just to clarify, I was not implying that it's a bad thing to be wealthy and adopt. I just find it annoying and stressful that I'm not wealthy. Having said that, you should see my shoe collection and my royal butt has felt the comfort of business class. I don't exactly live in a van down by the river. I think I was just frustrated on the heavy emphasis on money. It's like hey, Miss Bargain Hunter, look in the clearance bin over here - we've got some good kids here, they're a little scratched and maladjusted, but with a good coat of paint.....! Argh! We had also reviewed another package of US lawyer services and it itemized everything, from filing of this paper to fees for a paralegal. It's daunting to me because I am an actor and an unemployed actor. I'm just one US national commercial away from realizing my goal. I truly believe that at the onset of the whole thing, the financial aspect was just theoretical, and since the economy was doing well, and DH's job was bringing us all sorts of benefits we were confident that it would continue and all our money struggles would be over. Frig, I was this close to being a lady who lunched! I would have hoped my career (which is quite impressive on paper) would have prospered better than the previous year, I would have hoped that the economy didn't tank and affected my husband's job, but that is not the case. We do have retirement savings which we will use and we don't have a problem with that. Cause we'll just have to make more. There will be no financing and no borrowing. I will be at home to take care of the child as neither one of us will have parental leave benefits. I also don't want to put this off as I am not going to get younger as time goes on. As IF veterans know, time waits for no woman and I'm either in or I'm out.

I just feel bad sometimes because I know my husband would move heaven and earth to make me happy. And that fact that I cannot contribute on a larger scale, is a thorn in my side. (Why why why didn't I become the lawyer my parents wanted me to be?) So if I see one more Brangelina story about their ever expanding family (look, I can adopt and birth my own!), I'm gonna puke. Yeah, I've been drinking the Bitrex, I hate to admit it. I promise I'll count my blessings and readjust my attitude later. Just let me vent my spleen a little.


I will do whatever I have to generate more income but realistically, I may have to dump it all if I get a certain phone call. I am committed and determined to bring about the best circumstances for us both.


In the meanwhile, I will go to iwin.com and play http://www.iwin.com/games/house-of-wonders-babies-come-home

5 comments:

luna said...

you're right -- you just need to find your boundaries and you will find the right match. I have to think that for us both.

I'll say it again. the money issue stinks. my hub wished he earned more, and I want to be home with our kid if s/he ever comes. drag that we have to even think about it...

luna said...

oh and I meant to add, there's still room at the bar. I'll get wasted with you virtually any time...

Kevin and Leah...waiting with open arms. said...

Let that spleen talk! We're listening.

Pamela Jeanne said...

you're in new territory here. it's one where I have little first-hand knowledge so I'm just here to say I understand why you're frustrated and I hope that it is short-lived...

Teendoc said...

I was writing so fast the other night 'cause I had to pick up the critter (who is sick with fever this weekend), but what I was trying to convey is that YOU decide what level of openness you want. It isn't decided for you. You figure out what you feel comforable with at bare minumum and commit only to that. If it burgeons into more, great, but there is no obligation to extend past your comfort zone.

There is a feeling that can happen pre-placement that someone else becomes the "shotcaller" so to speak in the adoptive relationship. But no, you are the shotcaller. You decide what you can handle. If you can't handle visits, even those at some neutral location, don't have that be part of your plan. But don't (and I feel strongly about this) overpromise just to get a birthmom to choose you and then back away (and I know you wouldn't do this, but I hear some people on the adoption boards saying stuff like that).

And I wan't trying to slow your roll with your venting! I just was trying to figure out what you were saying so that I could offer some of my "sage advice."

I hope you know how much I am pulling for you!