Monday, March 9, 2009

Universally speaking

After I sent an email to a friend about being frustrated at not being anywhere close in the adoption game (cause it really is, a little like Musical Chairs), I get a one line reply suggesting I listen to the what the universe is telling me. I admit it, it made me mad. And since this person is not around for my phone calls so I could find out exactly what was meant by that, I got even madder. What was the universe telling that lady who had 8 more kids (via IVF) on top of the 6 she had at home? Or all the other people who are struggling with heroine addiction and other burdens? Mmmmm. And then I thought deeply about it. Frankly, the thought did occur to me that I have a really great life as it is, life would be a lot simpler without children and maybe, just maybe I would be fine. There were other options to have children in my life. There was foster care, special needs children, who was I to be so picky? I could get another dog. Perhaps a goldfish. Spend the money on boobs or a vacation. What was the true purpose of this desire for a child? Remember I talked about not looking for happiness outside of yourself? Was I thinking that a child would "fix" me? Well, no. That's a tall order and I wouldn't give that job to a child. Besides, I'm not broken, I'm just dramatic.

When you wait, you have a lot of time to think about these things. Spending years trying to get pregnant and not doing so gives you plenty of time to think. Do I hear the amen choir?! You think about A LOT of things. You think about the kind of person you are, the person you used to be and the person you are becoming. You even think about the person you married and who they used to be and who they are becoming. And for you single women out there, you think about where the hell is Mr/Ms Right? Not everybody has the luxury of time to think about what they are doing. As you know, some people just think about getting pregnant and boom, they are. No going back then, eh?

People might say, what the hell are you doing? Quit spending all this time and money on trying to get knocked up, you crapped out a dozen times, maybe it wasn't meant to be, so get over it. Don't be so selfish! How about adopting some needy child somewhere?! What, still waiting? Maybe you should just go travelling. Get over it. (This universal advice does not apply to celebrities or people who have incredible uteri over the age of 60.) Yep, people, the thought has occurred to me about a zillion times. (When you're married, you often daydream about single again too. Cause it can be a hell of a lot easier sometimes. Just think about how many more shoes I could have acquired.) Except I've been travelling. I've been shopping. I've slept in and snuggled for years. It's all good. I enjoy it. And it hasn't changed my heart one bit. I can't predict the future, I can't control the future. But I do know that I still want to have a child.

This is not about what's EASIER. What is SIMPLER. As a matter of fact, all these years have taught me this: I would not have willingly chosen this road, but I am a much STRONGER person because of it. I am a much more COMPASSIONATE person. Through depression and raging and bitching and moaning and drinking and heartache and self pity and enlightenment and epiphanies, I am still standing. And I am not alone. I have a wonderful partner and I have wonderful friends and I have YOU all out there. Sending you waves of GRATITUDE and daimoku for giving me your ear, your blessings and your company.

My frustration is just that, frustration. It's normal. Wait times are so variable - but it can be a numbers game. Either how much money you have to pave over the path of obstacles or how much time you have to spend waiting. In North America, it can be as much as 8 years, in international adoptions, it can be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. A friend of mine has been waiting close to 2 years now and has a son who is 8 months old and can't bring him home yet. Bureaucracy rules in Ethiopia.

Anyways, I had a talk with DH and I put a time limit on all this. If we don't get a match for a bi-racial child, we'll open it up. Yep, I gave the universe a deadline. Cheeky, eh? So it's a full court press this year. A re-determination to re-create our family of two into a family of three. Or more. Yes, DH is showing me doggy pictures from the pound again.


OHN said...

My favorite part of this whole post was "I'm not broken, I'm just dramatic".

You know what? Sometimes its a good thing to give the universe a deadline. Hell, all the rest of us have them.

So, universe, watch have just been called out by someone who doesn't want any more shit from you.

Beautiful Mess said...

I don't think there is anything I could say that wold be any better then what OHN said! Good for you! I'm proud of you, you ROCK!

Wordgirl said...

You sure do hear an amen choir out here.


I've had those well-meaning statements and the same suggestions about what it must mean for my life and all I could do was examine my heart -- and you write so beautifully here about the good things that IF gives us -- even though it feels as if its ripping us apart -- it makes us more expansive -- I have to believe its opening our hearts to fill them...

You and your writing and story have changed my own journey Deathstar. Thank you my friend.

And I have to believe the Universe demands those deadlines of us,,,



Guera! said...

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Kevin, Leah & Bodhi said...

Amen to that!!!
I love you and your determination. It WILL happen!! Damn universe just needs to get with the program. Giving it a deadline might be exactly what it needs. I think I'll do the same.

JW Moxie said...

I loved the paragraph about loving the positive aspects of your personality that infertility has brought you. No one would CHOOSE to walk this path, and it says a lot that you can look at the cards you've been dealt and know all the ways in which they suck, but still be able to find some sparks of positivity underneath it all. I hope that the Universe gets right and does right by you this year.

Pamela T. said...

AMEN!!!!! And that's coming at the top of my lungs. Well said -- but then I expect honest and thoughtful posts when I come here for a visit... never disappointed.

loribeth said...

Amen from me too!!

People mean really well... but sometimes they can be idiots. :p

chicklet said...

How can you not weigh all the options and think it all through and flip and flop and flip and flop? Like you said, given enough time, grrrr!

As for what the "universe was telling you", I hope you gave the universe a big ol' flip of the middle finger cuz I don't believe it was being very clear or helpful;-)

WannabeMommy said...

Unfortunately sometimes we have too much time to think. I can drive myself crazy with all the made-up scenarios ("Will I ovulate this month? Or did I already ovulated and just miss it? Why was my cycle 16 days last month? We better have more sex."... etc., etc) If the Universe is listening, it must think I'm nuts.

luna said...

amen sister!

and it sounds like someone ELSE was telling you something, NOT the universe. I tend not to listen to people like that.

boobs, though?