Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Life is like a box of chocolates

Just this past Sunday, I went to a friend's 40th birthday celebration at a cafe that makes artisan chocolates. His lovely wife had arranged a chocolate making lesson for him and his friends plus families. Yes, I was the only one there sans children, but life goes on, right? And I'm saying yes to almost everything these days.

I can't tell you how many times I refused their invitations over the years just I couldn't just stand the thought of hanging out with people with small kids for hours on end. I just wanted to hang out with the dog. And my bottle of chardonnay was conspicuous amongst the sippy cups. During the dark times, it was sheer agony and the endless queries about our state of fertility. I'd watch hubby hold other people's babies and I'd get "helpful" hints about diet. What did you do last week? Oh, I sat and wept intermittently throughout the day after the BFN phonecall and you? I love those guys just for hanging in there with us. It's nice to see their little ones growing. The oldest one knows me and I picked her up to show her the beautiful chocolates in the display case.

Who can say no to chocolate, seriously? So off I go and while I listen patiently to the chocolatier educate us about the growing of cocoa, blah, blah, blah and I wonder if it's appropriate if I stick my fingers in the steel tray of melted milk chocolate. We made white chocolate/coconut truffles, milk chocolate truffles coated in roasted crushed hazelnuts, dark chocolate truffles and chocolate baskets (balloons dipped in chocolate, chilled and then popped) and I fell in lust with the scent of white chocolate infused with real ginger.

We retired to the front of the cafe for quiches,scones, fresh fruit, real hot chocolate and strong coffee. A few more people came by with tots and young kids in tow. I had a lovely conversation with a little alpha girl about what style she was going to wear her hair in the summer. I realized that I had met almost all of those people before they had kids or when they were just pregnant. I could look at their faces and see their parents eyes or facial expressions. Some were around 6 years of age, some only kindergarten. Everyone belonged to someone.

No annoying questions asked cause I'm sure they knew my story already. The outcome was obvious. The future is still unseen. I had a really nice time. Then one daddy handed a little one to his wife for breastfeeding and I took that as my cue to leave. She was the one that told me that after her naturopath told her to stop eating acidic foods, like tomato, she got pregnant. Looks like it worked again.
When I got home, it was so quiet. No hubby, no dog, just real quiet. I just let it be.


loribeth said...


I must admit, though, the chocolate makes it all sound worth it! ; ) What a great idea for a party!

Beautiful Mess said...

That must have been difficult, but it sounds like you did really well. I'm sure you're still sad, and I'm so sorry for your sadness. I'm sending you a hug and thinking of you, my dear sweet friend.

Anonymous said...

I think it was brave of you to go to the party. When we were in IF or adoption limbo, I remember being really bummed out that someone else's party would send me into a funk for days.

And you know what, the breastfeeding in public thing still kind of puts me off- maybe because I was never able to do it since we adopted.

In your quiet home, I hope you are able to look at yourself in the mirror with pride because by just attending the party you showed more character than anyone else there, I'm sure of it.

Me said...

I know this wasn't the point of your post but I just have to say ... "helpful" a$$vise makes me homicidal.

Wordgirl said...

Mnnnn chocolates. I think I want your friends to gather me into their circle...oh sure I live far away...*sigh* ...but it sounds right up my alley.

I feel such a sense of peace from this post, though certainly a wistfulness, but I'm happy that you could embrace the joy of being with friends. I find myself smiling at people's children in grocery stores, and looking what I feel must be 'longingly' at them...and then I turn away, but where I used to feel a bitterness -- years ago, I came to eventually feel that bittersweet joy for them. For me, it was a relief to be free of the searing pain.

I am sending you lots of warm love and thoughts --



luna said...

I know those feelings, those parties, and bravo to you for going.

at least you got some chocolate.

luna said...

oh and I really hate those "helpful" comments.

Pamela T. said...

You've come a long way...and I want to both recognize your progress and make sure you see it as well as I do.

The first comments I received from you are seared in my mind because the pain was so palpable. Your ability to hang with these friends and their little ones is a huge tribute to how well you've mastered the pain. Really proud of you...

Anonymous said...

That must be so hard to have endured watching these friends go from childless to pregnancy to kindergartners. We had a rough go of watching all the pregnancies surpass us after we had been trying for 2 years. It definitely isn't a good feeling. But, good for you for going. you're courageous.