Married,but not really.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and support. I've been so busy lately, it's been an emotional week. I haven't slept much. Or eaten much. But I guess that's a good thing. I've been trying to figure out what steps to take. Odd to be on your 6th anniversary (yesterday) and be attending marriage counselling.

It was an interesting day. I was up early,went to meet my former personal trainer. I had gone to his website to find out his rates, quickly decided I couldn't afford it, but put my name in for a contest for free personal training. He emailed me back right away and asked me how I was doing. I said my career sucks and so does my marriage. He said come in for a free session. So that's where I went. We chatted, I worked out, he gave me thoughtful tips and said he understood my situation and asked me how important was it that I get healthy again. He asked me if I was really ready to do this. No pressure, either, to use his services. Of course, my husband doesn't think that much of him; I had used him before(cause I wanted to lose weight before I got pregnant, hah!), I had lost weight, 10 lbs as a matter of fact, but I guess he didn't notice or think he was that effective. I don't care what he thinks on that matter. When I told him I had gone for a workout, he was just concerned that I was spending more money for no results. He can't quite figure out why I can't do this alone. I told him that if I could have done it on my own, I would have done it already. I don't particularly enjoy being overweight and out of shape, but I guess it took negative reinforcement to get me going again. And yes, it has occurred to me that it isn't really about my weight. I'll find out soon enough though.

After we had our homestudy visit (we discussed parental philosophies), we should have received Oscars by the way, we went out for dinner. He hadn't eaten all day. After the first glass of wine (red, low cal) I reached out to touch his face. He looked so handsome, even though he was tired and sad. I had to remind myself to pull my hand back. I still loved him and wanted him so bad, it almost took my breath away. You know, he actually sent me flowers? Yeah, after I bawled my eyes out, I resisted the urge to throw them in the trash. And a card, and a gift certificate at my favourite spa. I had to laugh, cause I got him a massage certificate at the same place. Figured he could use some stress relief. I certainly wasn't going to give him one. No card, though. Couldn't find one that said I know you don't want to have sex with me, but it's okay, I'm a Buddhist, we have no attachment to physical desire card.

I'm glad we're putting the adoption on hold after the homestudy. He was right to suggest that. Having a child doesn't fix an unfulfilling marriage. I just would have put all my focus on the child. A child shouldn't have to bear that weight.

I'm still angry, but anger can be very clarifying for me. It clears the head, blows a lot of the dust away. It's energizing as long as it's focused. I just have to keep moving forward and not get stuck in it. If one gets stuck in anger, it inevitably turns to depression. I may have to take up kickboxing, though.

My intention is to fight for my marriage though. Hopefully it will turn out better than the getting pregnant idea. If he wanted to go to therapy, that's a good sign. He didn't have to go. He could have had an affair and let me pack his bags. It was his idea to do 2 appts a week since he leaves on another business trip soon. I didn't set the ground rules, I know, but I'll be a winner no matter what. I'm going to try to go to sleep, I got an early appt with Weight Watchers. And then another delightful session with the marriage counsellor. If you lose water weight due to crying, does that count?