Thursday, November 8, 2007

Married,but not really.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and support. I've been so busy lately, it's been an emotional week. I haven't slept much. Or eaten much. But I guess that's a good thing. I've been trying to figure out what steps to take. Odd to be on your 6th anniversary (yesterday) and be attending marriage counselling.

It was an interesting day. I was up early,went to meet my former personal trainer. I had gone to his website to find out his rates, quickly decided I couldn't afford it, but put my name in for a contest for free personal training. He emailed me back right away and asked me how I was doing. I said my career sucks and so does my marriage. He said come in for a free session. So that's where I went. We chatted, I worked out, he gave me thoughtful tips and said he understood my situation and asked me how important was it that I get healthy again. He asked me if I was really ready to do this. No pressure, either, to use his services. Of course, my husband doesn't think that much of him; I had used him before(cause I wanted to lose weight before I got pregnant, hah!), I had lost weight, 10 lbs as a matter of fact, but I guess he didn't notice or think he was that effective. I don't care what he thinks on that matter. When I told him I had gone for a workout, he was just concerned that I was spending more money for no results. He can't quite figure out why I can't do this alone. I told him that if I could have done it on my own, I would have done it already. I don't particularly enjoy being overweight and out of shape, but I guess it took negative reinforcement to get me going again. And yes, it has occurred to me that it isn't really about my weight. I'll find out soon enough though.

After we had our homestudy visit (we discussed parental philosophies), we should have received Oscars by the way, we went out for dinner. He hadn't eaten all day. After the first glass of wine (red, low cal) I reached out to touch his face. He looked so handsome, even though he was tired and sad. I had to remind myself to pull my hand back. I still loved him and wanted him so bad, it almost took my breath away. You know, he actually sent me flowers? Yeah, after I bawled my eyes out, I resisted the urge to throw them in the trash. And a card, and a gift certificate at my favourite spa. I had to laugh, cause I got him a massage certificate at the same place. Figured he could use some stress relief. I certainly wasn't going to give him one. No card, though. Couldn't find one that said I know you don't want to have sex with me, but it's okay, I'm a Buddhist, we have no attachment to physical desire card.

I'm glad we're putting the adoption on hold after the homestudy. He was right to suggest that. Having a child doesn't fix an unfulfilling marriage. I just would have put all my focus on the child. A child shouldn't have to bear that weight.

I'm still angry, but anger can be very clarifying for me. It clears the head, blows a lot of the dust away. It's energizing as long as it's focused. I just have to keep moving forward and not get stuck in it. If one gets stuck in anger, it inevitably turns to depression. I may have to take up kickboxing, though.

My intention is to fight for my marriage though. Hopefully it will turn out better than the getting pregnant idea. If he wanted to go to therapy, that's a good sign. He didn't have to go. He could have had an affair and let me pack his bags. It was his idea to do 2 appts a week since he leaves on another business trip soon. I didn't set the ground rules, I know, but I'll be a winner no matter what. I'm going to try to go to sleep, I got an early appt with Weight Watchers. And then another delightful session with the marriage counsellor. If you lose water weight due to crying, does that count?


Amanda said...

I am so sorry that you're having to go through this. I am so glad to read that you plan on fighting, though!!!

I hope the trainer and Weight Watchers help you acheive your weight loss goal!


dmarie said...

I'm so sorry you're going this tough time with your husband. If if it's not one thing it's another, I swear. I hope the couseling helps. I honestly don't know if my marriage would still exist if it hadn't been for couseling. Good luck with all appointments.

Schatzi said...

Good for you! Both for meeting with the trainer, and for fighting for your marriage. I agree it is a good sign that he wants to do intensive marital counseling. Therapy saved our marriage several years ago. Literally. And I hope the same for the two of you.

I am wishing you the best on both fronts.

Anonymous said...

Oh, sweety. So sorry you are going through such a challenging time right now. I'm thrilled to hear that you are fighting though, and that he suggested twice a week. That's very encouraging!

Pamela T. said...

I'm so glad you're taking care of yourself -- exercise and eating right -- getting healthy is such a good way to improve your mind and body, and focusing the anger is so very important. Like you, I learned that the hard way.

Also glad to hear that your man is signed up to the counseling. Sounds like there is much to sort out and a desire to do so. Really pulling for you!

loribeth said...

Oh, (((hugs))). I have been reading your last few posts and I can relate. My dh & I made the decision six years ago to stop infertility treatments & life childless/free. One of the main reasons I felt it would be OK was that we had such a solid marriage & I knew we could have a good life together, just the two of us, because that's what we'd been doing so far. But infertility & loss can take their toll, and I didn't count on a midlife crisis --he's hugely dissatisfied with his job ("why I am killing myself over a job I hate, especially when we don't have kids to support?") and its spilling over into our personal life. There have been times lately when I think, "Is THIS what I have to look forward to??" lol He keeps saying he only has another five years to go & he can take early retirement, but sometimes I don't think I can take another five years of constant negativity, even when it's not directed at me personally. We too have been going to counselling again, & I think it's been helping. I know this is a difficult subject to write about & kudos to you for doing so.

Good luck with the weight loss. I lost 35 lbs+ with Weight Watchers about 15 years ago... gained 15-20 back gradually, another 20 during the six months of my pregnancy and more after that. I've only JUST started losing the weight -- not quite 15 lbs since the beginning of this year (combination of WW & walking). Being told my blood pressure was borderline hypetensive was the kick in the pants that I needed. I need to lose more, but it is already noticeable, & I feel better too.