You might want to take a look at the side panel "About Me" and notice that I've remove the "happily" to the married part. Apparently we're not, just me. Well, I've been very careful not to blog about my marriage in detail as that was not the purpose of this blog. I also didn't think it was very nice to splash my wifely complaints out there, you never know who might read it. Like my husband, for instance. And I may not even post this or post it for very long. But I need to write about this. I need it.
Last Friday evening, my husband returned home from a business trip, I was out having a drink with some girls after a workshop. I knew he would be exhausted and would probably be asleep in no time, so I called to welcome him home and inquire if he had any of the delicious veggie curry I had made for him before I went out.
The next morning before I had my morning coffee, he let me know that he was unhappy with our marriage, our financial situation and wanted to halt the adoption. He was willing to finish the homestudy, as it was good for a year.
He was very emotional, crying, staring into my eyes as he unburdened himself. Frankly, I think I was waiting for the confession of infidelity. I didn't get that, but something that caused me to feel shame. And fury. Remember that issue I had with the questionnaire about the sexual difficulties box? How I just couldn't let it go? And I blamed the lack of our sex life on fatigue and cold sores and what not? Well, alarm bells were set off in him. He saw the light. And for the past few weeks, he's been crying, talking to friends and decided to stop lying to himself and me. He loves me, but he's not "in love" with me. You know, as in not being physically attracted to me, as in not wanting to fuck me. And that's been the case for years. And he doesn't want to be the sole breadwinner either. He's been working for 3 weeks straight without a day off and he's really stressed out.
Now this isn't a new problem. It's an old one actually. He said these things about a year before we were married. Now when he told me about his displeasure with me gaining 20 lbs, I threw myself on the floor, sobbed my guts out and asked him to leave because I couldn't bear the sight of him. I accused him of not truly loving me, of being shallow, blah, blah, and raged for 3 days to myself before we went to counselling. We had talked about what we had in common, how we could build intimacy, and then I was promptly diagnosed with depression and I continued counselling on my own. I was definitely the not wanting to get out of bed, moving in a cloud depressed. I took some happy pills and between counselling and chanting, I was able to go off them in less than 6 months. We went to Bali on vacation, had a great time, had lots of sex and we were so happy. We continued to fight about money, especially if I wasn't booking gigs and making lots of money. I worked sporadically doing office work, and the year we got married, I had booked lots of gigs and could contribute to our wedding costs. We did not borrow a dime from anyone.
Our 6th wedding anniversary is on the 7th. I'm 40 lbs heavier than I was I used to be. Throughout my mother's condition and our infertility, I self medicated (with food), we both did. What's a few DQ Blizzards between a husband and wife? I stuck to my guns about being being available for auditions, continued my typing in the evenings, but never followed up in developing that business further. He said he admired me for pursuing my dreams and that he would support me in that. And he has. Until now.
So he admitted his part in "enabling" me. He said he just couldn't go on like this and that he believes that by being honest with me, he's doing the right thing. He deserved to be happy and that he want to feel passion for me like he once did. And that I deserved to be happy too. I admitted that I just just given up as far as the sex thing. As for the money issue, I enjoyed "being taking care of". With my flexible schedule, I would be able to be there for a child in the way that I wanted to be. I loved being able to go to acting class, visit my mum, do Buddhist activities. And sporadically, even the gym.
We're known to everyone we know to be such a strong couple, solid as a rock. Our love and admiration for each other was apparent to everyone who met us. What a joke!
So what did I have to say to all of this, you might be wondering. Didn't I know there was something wrong? Yes, but I had gotten used to being rejected. Rejected in a subtle sort of way. And when I had the courage to ask him if he was still attracted to me, he would say yes. I told him so many times that I felt like a comfortable old shoe to him. He would brush that concern aside. Even as recent as a couple of weeks ago, I told him again that I felt really bad about myself and was feeling as we weren't connecting. He brushed it aside again and left for another business trip.
I've tried a few times over the weekend to talk to him. I didn't leave to go stay at a friends, nor did I ask him to leave. I'm not the same woman I used to be. That's actually a good thing for me. He has a problem listening, because he interrupted me every single time. No, I have to use "feeling" words, don't accuse him, that's not true. I stopped talking. I listened for hours as he's told me over and over again what he needs from me. I don't think I got even two minutes of airtime for myself. So I talked to my girlfriend. That was a relief.
I called a marriage counsellor. He actually suggested it but agreed to go to the one who had helped me deal with the grief and the very same one we went to years ago. Now, these are the questions I have in my head. If I lose 40 lbs and work more (for the sake of my marriage) will it be enough? Can I actually do it, do I even want to? What has been true about our marriage? Every day, every single day for years, this man has told me has loves me, calls me throughout the day to say he's been thinking about me, brings me flowers, takes care of me when I'm sick, takes me on vacations, talks well of me to his friends, tells me I'm beautiful to my face. I know where he is at all times, not because I ask, but because he tells me. What do I have to sacrifice? Do I even have to make sacrifices or are they true benefits? Did I give up on myself somewhere along the line? Does this man love me or the "idea" of me?
Okay, enough, I'm not getting any richer or skinnier by writing this. Later.