Monday, November 19, 2007

Spinning in Denial

Well, it's Monday morning and has been for quite some time. I woke up late, but I opted to drive so I made it to my 6:30am spinning class. Hubby was actually reaching for me to come back to bed. And for a second, I thought, oh yeah back to the warmth of my bed, but no, I splashed water in my face, threw on my gear and left. Victory!

Arrgh! There's this thin blonde whose legs go straight to her back who seems to spin so effortlessly while I heave and wipe sweat out of my eyes and consider throwing up. I hate her. I imagine falling off my bike, I imagine the fire alarm going off, I imagine time going faster, I imagine quitting but somehow that doesn't happen. After class, the instructor says she feels like a million bucks after it's over, I say I feel like a buck fifty.

One day this will seem easy, right? Hubby tells me that he's proud of me for what it's worth. Mmmm, thanks. And in the meanwhile, what's life going to be like? I don't know. I'm starting to feel this feeling of yearning for a child again. It hurts again. That loss of what might have been.

Yesterday, I opened up my old journal, read some entries from 2003. I was stunned. It was like a veil of memory lifted. I wrote about how I knew my husband wasn't attracted to me, how I was disgusted with myself and how much I hated how much brain space this was all taking up. How it was difficult to get pregnant if we didn't have sex very often. How no matter how hard I tried to lose weight, I couldn't and it made it hard to stay motivated, I was constantly being pulled in other directions. How he would just smoke dope every fucking day with the neighbour and play video games for hours, despite my protestations so I just stuffed candy in my mouth to fill up the bottomless hole. Holy cow. Talk about living in denial. We moved through crisis through crisis taking care of everything else but us. I had goals, I had dreams, but few were achieved. So I think I concentrated on other things and sought satisfaction elsewhere.

I've got a follow up appointment with the doctor to discuss my blood tests results and I fucking hope I don't have a problem with my insulin levels. Diabetes runs in my family and it generally comes later in life and I'm fucking terrified of it. That alone should motivate me to take care of myself.

So while he is away in Europe on business, I will take this time for myself to move myself forward through this. The good part is that it makes much more sense to feel lonely when I actually am alone. I look forward to it actually.

4 comments:

Pamela Jeanne said...

Regardless of your motivation it is so essential to take care of your health and wellbeing. I'm proud of you for powering through and spinning even as the warmth of the bed called out to you. Your satisfaction will be that much stronger when you get the good blood test results! Stay strong and keep pushing forward...

Wordgirl said...

I think I might actually die if I went to a spinning class...I'm completely jealous...I spin -- but in my living room watching 'The Wire' OnDemand and eating tiny candy bars leftover from halloween...I'm not sure that counts.

But it does keep me sane, kind of...

Teendoc said...

I've been catching up on what's going on with you. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I totally understand marital struggles, having been through many with my husband. The thing I learned while going through the worst of the worst was to take care of yourself first and foremost. You are on the right path.

Deathstar said...

Thanks yuse guys, it means a lot having my own private support/cheerleading group. I've been feeling so alone lately... and every encouraging word means a great deal. Nobody wants to hear your infertility woes and you have to be very careful about which friend you tell your marital woes to, you know? So thanks.