Before I went out to chant, he and I started discussing shit again. He told me that he was angry/frustrated that we had let get things go for so long and now we were at this point. He asked me if I was angry with myself. I thought about it for a moment and replied no. If anything, I felt shame or disappointment with myself but not anger. I'm more angry at him. He didn't get that. Figures. Shame and ego keeps us from seeing clearly. I can let myself off the hook because all that we've both gone through haven't been excuses as he'd like to believe, but valid reasons why we were distracted. We're not perfect. I can forgive myself. I'm not going to beat myself up for past history. It's what matters now that is important. So if he wants to continue doing a post mortem of our marriage, then he's as good as gone. I warned him that he continued this mourning of years past, he would be better off not to drag me through this shit for nothing.
I had listened to our wedding CD the night when I went to bed. I didn't wail, I was thinking of happy memories, I was trying to remind myself of the good times. We've been together for 11 years, there've been a lot of good times. And I just wanted to feel better for a while.
And yes, I was definitely thinking, does he truly deserve me? He pointed out that if we had been having more sex years ago, we might have gotten pregnant because we haven't used birth control in years. Maybe, maybe not. We'll never know, will we? 'Cause my fucking youth is gone now. Can you believe it?! Thanks for that. And he wonders why I'm so pissed at him. And hurt.
After I had chanted with my Buddhist buddies, we chatted over green tea and talked a bit. One woman had finally kicked out her husband after years of infidelity, the other talked about her struggles to maintain balance in her family and marriage and the other,a demure but wise Japanese young woman was a new mum. They understood so well of what I was going through. I finally realized that I just didn't how to keep true to myself and be married at the same time. I had been taught by my mum how to take care of others and sacrifice myself, put myself and my needs on the back burner. Family was what mattered, not me. I lost my drive and my energy through events I just could not control. And that stuff I could control, I simply chose not to. I was content to leave things as is.
Maybe I just picked the wrong guy. Maybe I just fooled myself into thinking that he would keep me safe and secure. He said all the right things and did all the right things. Because he loved me he protected me from things that he had no business in doing so. And then came to resent me for it. Maybe I was just trying to fill the hole that my father left in my life. Ah, fuck, no matter how much psycho babble you put to it, why is it that women are the ones who are left to keep things together?
Now when I get my groove back, what makes him so sure that I'll need him for anything? How on earth do women do this shit?! Arrrgh!!!
Nam myo ho renge kyo. Never be defeated by anything.