Thursday, September 4, 2008


Ah, now that it's back to regular programming - blah! I tried denying it for a while, I tried keeping busy, but looks like grief is patient. You know, even on our trip, we still shed tears for our adored beast. I was listening to Pink's song, Who Knew, on the train travelling back from Northampton and it brought tears to my eyes. Then I shared it with hubby and we were both weeping. The place is so quiet - no Sampson waiting for his morning walk in the park. Nothing for hubby to do when he comes home in the afternoon. For years, we had our own family routine and now it's different. No thumping of his great tail, no sloppy kisses, no piles of hair everywhere. Even my mother said she really missed him at her feet at dinner time, waiting to scoop up the inevitable fallen pieces of food. I wanted to spread his ashes last weekend, but DH said no. He's not ready to say goodbye. I see him everywhere. Crazy dog lady, that's me.

I haven't heard anything from the adoption agency - all quiet on that front at the moment. Friends of ours, after 1 1/2 years, got placed with their child in Ethiopia. They have pictures of a beautiful 3 month old boy and are preparing for his arrival (after all the paperwork and such of course). It got me thinking of the excitement and anticipation, the preparations being made and the baby items being acquired. All the gnashing of teeth and pulling of hair and counting the days has brought them to a great big pair of eyes waiting for them. It all seems so exciting and yet I find that I am feeling that familiar on-the-outside-looking-in feeling. I want to be excited like that too.

I realize our initial excitement was dashed all to hell and I've spent several months losing weight, going to counselling, directing theatre, travelling, trying not to be depressed and panic stricken about not being good enough, grieving my dog, when oh when can I just stop being such a middle class princess with delusions that the real superwoman who can make her own bacon, fry it in a pan and satisfy her man with a baby (nay, twins, cause that's cool now) on her hip is just hiding in the next room?!!!!!

Oooh, I think I just hit on something there. Something about not looking at the true nature of my life - which really has been my spiritual quest - and to be unconscious of this is to be "deluded".

I went on vacation and was going full speed, stuffing my guts with wine and old buildings and croissants and foreign languages and being disoriented, planning fuck all and living in the moment. True to my Gemini nature, this kind of living doesn't throw me a bit. I enjoy being a tourist. And that's pretty much how I've lived my life. As a tourist. Getting lost, eventually finding my way, but arriving hungry, pissed off and exhausted.

When I was temporarily lost in Amsterdam, I stopped wandering down the side streets; I was acutely aware of the time I could lose if I wasn't careful. We had plans later that evening and I didn't want to be late. I had to ask for directions and once on the tram, I strained to look for familiar sights. I had a hard time with that, because I hadn't paid any attention as to where the hotel was much less the address!! I had given up that job to somebody else. I had been too distracted looking at this and that like a frigging magpie. Finally, I got off and found a cab and got back to the hotel. I really wasn't that far off the mark. My hubby had gone out but I enjoyed some alone time. Okay, not to be too hard on myself, it's a common mistake, I know. I know enough to ask for directions but I still waste a lot of time due to lack of preparation. The sound of the clock ticking is a very familiar sound in the ears of an infertile woman, right? My nature is spontaneous and I can wing it with the best of them. I think, however, that at my age, this way of doing things is no longer serving me.

So what I need is 1) better meds cause these ones aren't working too well 2) a job that is more consistent than the one I have and 3) the desire to manifest a happy well-balanced home where a child would be safe and secure. I can't shop, eat or drink my way out of this. Right now, we're a little sad and we're grieving a much loved member of the family. Samps is happy where he is now, but he had us so well trained, we find it difficult to accept that he's not here anymore. We need a new routine. I need to chant when I want to eat or whine or fuss. All the peace of mind I ever had was achieved through nam myo ho renge kyo, it kept those negative voices quiet. All things are possible, I just have to hang in there - for five more minutes.


luna said...

"And that's pretty much how I've lived my life. As a tourist. Getting lost, eventually finding my way, but arriving hungry, pissed off and exhausted."

I love this line and this post. there's something about spontaneity that doesn't always serve me well anymore either. I wonder if it's because I've been forced to give up control of every other aspect of my life. sometimes it's just what I need, but sometimes I'm just pissed off and exhausted by it.

it's so hard grieving sampson this way, I know. the first time we came home to an empty house we both bawled our eyes out. coming home we'd al get so excited to greet each other. each time you expect to see them there is like a new loss, all over again...

I hope you find the solace in your practice that you are looking for.

OHN said...

When we lost our Tucker I told everyone that I WAS NOT going to try to replace him with another pet as he could not be replaced. So here I sit typing this with a dog on each foot under my desk. I looked at many before I found the ones that I connected with and they have shown me I was right to wait for the connection. You will know when/if it is time to welcome another fur family member.

Wordgirl said...


I really felt connected to this post and I am still so saddened by your loss of beautiful Sampson -- it sounds like you both are working your way through the grief. My heart is with you.

I'm a gemini too -- but I'm right on the cusp of cancer -- and so that makes for a strange kind of tempered gemini I think...

I too am looking at all of the family-building around me and feeling bittersweet -- wanting to be excited for them and too for me, but not knowing what the future will hold.

I hold on to my delusions with far too firm a grip -- and sometimes in tiny moments I get a sense of clarity and peace...but it rolls on past.

Here's to balance my friend -- for both of us as the summer ends and another season wanes and brings us right back into renewal again...



dmarie said...

Damn. I love your honesty. How brave you are to confront and talk/write about so many difficult feelings.

eemilla said...

I'm going have to start using "I can't shop, eat, or drink myself out of this", although I will change the order to eat, drink, or shop.