Monday, September 29, 2008

To Tattoo or not to Tattoo

Thank you so much for you loving comments about Sampson. It was a tough week actually. DH made a Powerpoint presentation with over 40 pictures of Sampson set to the music of Who Knew by Pink and surprised me with it. I bawled my eyes out as he held me. It was really beautiful. Had we had a child, we would have a gajillion pictures of him or her, but we had Samps, so we took tons of pictures of him.

(Strangely enough, I had taken same pictures and was going to make a movie for DH with the same music.) I was happy to have it but at the same time, I was taken aback at how strongly I cried. I guess it was a reminder that grief is inconstant. It comes and goes. The daily walks, the doggy report I would give DH each day, the constant care and attention I was used to giving. I don't even vacuum as much, silly, but I missed complaining about his hair all over the place. We haven't found another rhythm so to speak to fill the void. DH is getting a tattoo of his paw on his leg next week and I will be getting some of the ashes put in a locket. I'm considering a tattoo myself, if you can believe it. I'm not a huge fan of tattoos on my pristine brown skin - but a little tiny one of Big Boy's name in white script sounds cool. But where would I put it? I would want to see it, but I might have to cover it if I'm on camera and it showed. Not sure. I'm sure we'll get another dog one day, maybe next year. We're just dog people.

It was good to cry. At least the Effexor hasn't numbed me completely. I don't think the meds are working out. I have no sex drive to speak of, I wake up in a funk and then after I take the pills, I can't sit still - though the house is clean and I'm thinking of putting a pool in the office - and then I settle down to a stoic mood in the afternoon. I don't crave alcohol at all, but when I do have a drink, I don't feel my little giddy usual self. As a matter of fact, it doesn't even taste as good. Yeah, I know, I'm not supposed to drink but I went to a film festival party, which was incredibly bad, and I had a couple that night cause it was free. I just felt cruddy by the time I went home. And food does not taste the same. It's a bit off. Which is not entirely bad, cause I could stand to lose another 20 lbs. but I need to salt food just to taste it and I don't put salt on anything but french fries. I'm going back to the doc this week, but I could use some advice - Teendoc is on vacation - I thinking I might be better off without this stuff.


OHN said...

I had to try 5 different SSRI's before I found one that didn't have annoying side effects. It may take some time but if you are willing you will find the right one with the right balance.

I love the tattoo idea. I am sure wherever you get it, they could use makeup to cover it for your projects.

luna said...

my hub did a slide show with his fave pix of our pup too. gets me every time.

Wordgirl said...

Hi Deathstar,

It sounds like such a lovely tribute...I can't tell you the amount of times I've thought of you all out there...they fill our lives so and they are our loves -- I understand completely.

I've just started talking to a professional again -- and while I have mostly used exercise for the low-level depression (and wouldn't hesitate to take meds if the depression came back stronger) the doctor mentioned again about how varied each person's response to each medicine is -- so if this one isn't working there are so many others. I've known some people who have tried Celexa and its worked for them -- I think its now Lexapro -- ?

I'm glad you're paying attention to your body and your symptoms -- perhaps talk to your doctor about it? I'm thinking of you.

I wish I lived closer we could meet for a glass of wine or just hang out and talk -- sometimes friendship and connection can help tremendously.



Wordgirl said...

P.S. As for the tattoo -- I would totally do it.

Of course I remember a conversation I had at a party in grad school when I was telling a story about how my mother's canned response to my getting a tattoo was "but what would you do at the inaugural ball" and this professor's wife who didn't like me said "why all you tell her is 'mother, don't worry - the service aprons will cover that.' " Can you believe that shit? So every time I think about getting a tattoo I remember that story.

Anonymous said...

Hey lady,

I'm back! I'm sorry you are having issues with meds. I've been on Effexor for years, but went through a lot to get to that one. I also found that the XR (extended release) formulation has a much lower side effect profile than the regular venlafaxine.

But you see, this is why I am such a big advocate of not getting mood meds from your regular doctor. My atypical depression management took the skill of a psychopharmacologist in addition to my talk therapist. Primary care docs do not get enough training in how to manage depression with medication, so I would advise seeing a specialist.

Also it takes about 6 weeks before side effects can subside. As for the sex drive, all of the meds affect sex drive (well except Wellbutrin, but that med is crap for most people's depression/anxiety). You have to decide which is more important: libido or overall improved mood functioning. There are some recent studies showing improvement in libido with viagra in women on mood meds. But unfortunately this is a side effect that just is problematic.

If you want to talk more, you know my number. Feel better!

Topcat said...

Dear Deathstar,

Thank you so very much for your wonderful comments for my husband. Your words were just amazing, and I know he will love them.

I'm so sorry to hear about the death of Sampson. I totally think a cute little tattoo, maybe a small one on your ankle. So people have to squint to see it, but you know it's there. XOX

chicklet said...

I don't know what to say about the drugs, but I absolutely love what your husband did with the slideshow. That's just awesome that he'd be so thoughtful. And I say get the tattoo:-)

Guera! said...

Was sent this forward today and normally I read and delete. Thought I would share with you. I especially liked the part about what dogs teach us.

Dog's Purpose (from a 6-year old).

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolf hound

named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were

all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do

anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog

in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for

six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn

something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him.

Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he

understood what wa s going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion.

We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that

animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped

up, 'I know why.'

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never

heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, 'People are born so that they can learn how to live a good Life -- like loving

everybody all the time and being nice, right?' The Six-year-old continued, 'Well, dogs

already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.'

Live simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy..

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

Deathstar said...


I am taking the XR form. I will talk to my doc about seeing a specialist - which will take about 6 wks to see.


5?!!! Holy cow - that took patience - didn't you feel like a guinea pig?

Natika said...

I think the tattoo is a good idea! I have one tiny one I got in Vegas 5yrs ago.

I wish I had enough courage to try a antidepressant again. I tried years ago and I didn't like how jittery it made me. I could really use something.