Thursday, September 11, 2008

Trying to get a life.....

My master plan? I like to keep it simple and vague. Somewhat like myself. Step 1 of my master plan - get new meds - now I'm trying Effexor or its generic equivalent. My doctor gave me the option of increasing the dosage again of the Wellbutrin or trying something else. Yeah, well, not knowing much about pharmacology, I decided to go for Door No. 2 because I didn't enjoy my ride in Crazy Town and saw no reason to see the sites again. I'm hoping I get side effects of nausea and appetite loss, I need to lose 10 lbs. But hey, I'm an IVF vet, crazy can't beat me.

Step 2 -get a job - I'm applying to a director's workshop for next year. Okay, not really a job, as it requires a huge tuition, but it's career related. It's a long shot as I have never directed an actual film, but I also applied to be an actor in said workshop. I really hope I get in one way or the other.

Step 3 - okay, later for that. That's a work in progress.

Step 4 - get more steps.

I got a lot of chanting in yesterday. I woke up all out of sorts, bright sunshiney day and no dog to walk. I regretted my decision to sleep in and miss spin class. So later on, I rode my bike 6km to a fellow district member's house for 1 hr. of chanting. She had moved her butsudan downstairs to her separated husband's meditation room. (She had kicked out his lying, cheating Zen Buddhist ass a while ago.) I lead the chanting and the hour just flew by. The sound of daimoku just enveloped me and I could feel my heart's fighting spirit. Later that night, I did a presentation for the intro meetings at the culture centre with a fellow member on the Buddhist perspective of Life and Death. It's a long explanation, involving the 9 levels of consciousness, I'll spare you the details and that's not what I want to talk about anyway. Coles notes version: Life is eternal, death is just like turning another page in the book of life, live life to the fullest and store up as many good causes as you can. Live like a Buddha, die like a Buddha.

What I want to talk about is the woman I met there. She and her husband were in town for one day on their way to a cruise. She talked briefly about her failed attempts with IVF. She was trying to understand their attempts at creating life. You know I had to talk to her after the meeting. I totally understand what she meant. You have this "life" created in a dish and it exists and then it's inside you and it "dies". Explanations like "it just wasn't mean to be" doesn't really cut it whether you're a Buddhist or not, does it? She, too, had heard the "just relax", "go on vacation", "stop trying and it will happen" assvice. I gave her my blog and told her to look it up if she felt like it. I hope she doesn't mind I write about her. I wanted her to know she wasn't alone.

There isn't a woman alive who has gone through negative results, miscarriages or infant death, that doesn't ask the question, "WHY?". What does it all mean? Is it a sign from the universe? Should I keep trying? When will I be rewarded for my efforts? Some people have found success after multiple tries - just look at Schatzi - triplets after 7 attempts! Some stop after one try. And some never try. I tried to encourage her, my story doesn't have a happy ending though. All I could say was that sometimes the one way you think it should happen isn't always the way. Not comforting, but true. We are trained to not give up, to pursue victory, to overcome challenges. Looking back on it, I probably would have cycled more if I had more money, not to mention the time. Or even gone the surrogate route. I had to stop for so many reasons, not to mention my sanity. Each woman has to do what she has to do. I had to be dragged from that particular path kicking and screaming. I will chant for her and her husband to have their baby. I know how powerful that dream is and I will keep her in my prayers.


Guera! said...

We decided not to do IVF but I never thought about the fact that there is life in a dish and once it's inside you it dies. That confirms our decision not to do it. While I struggle daily with what I believe I prefer to err on the side of caution and assume that life begins at conception. Infertility has made me question evolution vs God however. Infertility makes evolution make sense to me and vice versa. That's something I can understand. God's will (or "it wasn't meant to be")is not something I can understand. That makes no sense to me.

Anonymous said...

Your story hasn't ended yet . . .

If you had asked me in 2003, I would have told you that my story didn't have a happy ending either. But, here I am, with a daughter conceived through donor eggs, still wondering how I got here from there.