Friday, October 3, 2008

Feeling better

Just to let you know that after I put out the SOS call, I felt better the next day. As in OMG, I don't feel like crap today. Now it could have been the sunshine (which has since departed our lovely city) but I'm hoping it was the meds plus spin class.

I had a minor flashback yesterday. It was really dark outside, rain was coming. I heard a firetruck siren. I thought of my dog who always howled when he heard firetruck sirens which lead to memories of his last moments in the animal emergency gasping, but I bolted to my Gohonzon and chanted like a mofo which got me back on track. I had a really important audition that morning and I did not need to feel weepy or vulnerable for the part. I had a good audition, albeit no director in the room (boo!) and then I went to the doctor. I felt pretty good, better than I had in a while. So she said stick with it and increase the dosage if I don't feel even better in a week. She had no advice for the no sex drive side effect which happens with all antidepressants. Swell.

You are right on all counts, Teendoc, but I'm going to hold off with specialist route because I'm hesitant about switching again. I honestly don't want to go through adjusting to more side effects with something else if I don't have to. I don't really want a psychiatrist referral on my record, since when I adopt, the social worker visits will commence again and I have no idea what paperwork or questions I'll have to go through again. When I had to get a medical exam last year, the doctor had to report my last depression which was several years ago.

As we head in to winter, this city, as beautiful as it is, transforms into a rainy, perpetually overcast no blue sky for weeks place and I've never gotten used to it. We had freezing temperatures and snow in Ontario, but at least the sun came out every now and then. But with Gohonzon, love, exercise, friends (that includes you guys), A BABY, and A BUSY, CREATIVE AND PROSPEROUS life I shall be fine.

Note to universe: I am NOT GOING AWAY SO PAY ATTENTION HERE.

3 comments:

loribeth said...

Heh heh... you prefer winters in Ontario?? I guess it's all relative! I grew up on the Prairies, where it might be -40C, but the sky will be blue & the sun will be shining. I find Toronto winters incredibly grey, slushy & depressing by contrast. Hang in there, summer will be back again eventually! ; )

Pamela Jeanne said...

Yeah, universe! We're not going anywhere...and pick on someone you're on size to mess with. You've done quite enough, thank you very much.

I know how off-putting those bad days can be. Hang in there, D.

Wordgirl said...

Hooray! I'm glad you're feeling better...I should get back to a spin class -- I'm always so intimdated --I would be the one about to fall off of her bike! (I am better on the recumbent kind).

I have those flashbacks too -- and I had a therapist once who told me that I can just shoo it away --or consider it like the thoughts that come while meditating -- to just enclose it in a bubble and let it drift away...I tell myself that it is just a story in my life, but it doesn't define my being-ness -- I try anyway -- some days it works.

I hear you: spiritual connection, love, exercise, friends...baby will come for us and we'll keep ourselves open to that conduit of creativity -- letting it flow through us -- and when that cleansing power comes I think we're open to so much to come to us.

I am here with you,

XO

Pam