I'm writing this post early as I will be away and most likely not be able to post. Can't believe it's blogoversary time! My first. Holy cow, my how the time has flown! When I started, I just wanted to join in the Club that No One Wants to Belong To. I had a lot of stuff to get off my chest. Infertility had changed me in a way I had never imagined. All my happy positive self talk, praying and wishing, envisioning and affirming lead me to the conclusion that sometimes life is unfair and good people don't always get what they want. I was angry and sad and bitter and resigned. I was tired of being alone with my crazy thoughts and just wanted someone to just get it, get me. Honestly, it's no wonder I didn't wear black all the time. I was in mourning. Mourning for the child that only existed in my mind, mourning for the life I had pictured for myself, mourning who I used to be. Now I was Deathstar, barren and cold and nothing grew.
You embraced me with love and empathy and made all the right sounds to soothe my battered soul. You saved my life I think. And when I read the stories of the women out there, I was astounded,inspired and humbled by your stories, your journeys. I spent HOURS (and I do mean hours) reading about your lives, realizing that I was not alone in my bitterness, my sarcasm, my sadness. I cried for you, chanted for you, was eager to read your posts every day. You became a part of my life, my peeps. I wished you well, I wished you pregnant and I wished you delivered safely. I became educated and empowered. You gave me energy and courage to express what I could not say out loud. And then I found I could. You gave me the courage to come out of the infertility closet. Yes, my name is Deathstar and I'm infertile and going on vacation and relaxing DOESN'T WORK!!!! And neither does wishing I was someone else. Dramatics aside, there are no Hollywood miracles here. No fucking fairy baby dust, baby bumps, surrogates or swift adoptions from all over the globe.
It seemed that every time I thought I was standing on firm ground, it turned into sand and shifted, and shifted again. Life indeed is an illusion and I was deluded. I ranted and raved and you were there. Connected through high speed modums, connected by a silent pain, wounds that can heal, but you can always feel. You held the space. Sacred. Even in the world of hell, there can be Buddhahood. You proved that.
I just wanted to say thank you for reading. Thank you for lurking. Thank you for leaving your comments, your encouragement, your kind words. I've met a couple of you, talked to one on the phone and emailed and traded shout-outs with quite a few. And if anyone out there thinks it doesn't matter, I'm here to tell you that you're wrong. It does matter. Very much.
I read this poem a lot which can be found in this post. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I wish it was written on the ceiling in glow in the dark letters. I'm still in the fight with my fundamental darkness and probably will be until I can achieve enlightenment. Not sure what time that will be. I am not under the illusion that motherhood will "save me" or "make me happy". I know the answer is within me. I forget that sometimes. You do too.
So on this anniversary, I wish you all much love, much peace and clarity. The journey continues.....