We've decided to really talk about what we're going to say and not to say when we have our next visit. The social worker will be conducting separate interviews and we want to be on the same page. Which is a great way for us to begin open communication about this whole process. I want her to get to know us as the good people that we are. But I'm also a pretty open and forthright person. I just don't want to say anything that might be used against me later.
"So, do you drink alcohol? If so, how often?" "Well, I got wasted on my birthday a couple of months ago. I had 7 lemon drop martinis, and boy was I wasted!" Maybe I'll skip that story.
I have to guard against that constant wanting to prevent myself from further pain. I want to transform my narrowminded perspective. I went to my Buddhist dicussion meeting last week and I felt really encouraged. We were talking about obstacles and "devilish functions" and what they really mean in our lives. When I say devilish functions, I'm not talking about some evil force with a tail and brimstone cologne. I'm talking about fear and doubt. That's what gets in the way of faith and the belief in yourself to overcome all obstacles. And having had my ass kicked around by infertility, I know my faith has been battered around as well. All the crap we went through left us feeling quite defeated and now we are jumping through another set of hoops again.
Buddhism is about winning or losing in your life. And I thought when we didn't get pregnant and give birth to the child I had yearned for, I had lost. I certainly felt like a part of me died along with that dream. But maybe my battle is not over. Years ago, I read this guidance from Daisaku Ikeda. I'd like to change the feeling that all this paperwork, all the interviews, etc. are not obstacles, but opportunities for me to become a better person, a stronger person than I am right now.
You Are the Hope of the World!
Buddhism teaches that the lotus flower grows in muddy water. What this means is that our supremely noble lives continue to shine even amid the harshest of life's realities, just like the pure white lotus flower that blooms unsoiled by the mud.
Having gone through what you have, there is pain and suffering in others' hearts that only you can notice. Having suffered what you have, there is true love and
affection that only you can find. There are definitely people out there who need you. If you give up on yourself, it is only you who will lose.
Nothing, no matter what happens, can change your inherent
worth. Please have courage. Please tell yourself that you are not
going to let this ordeal defeat you.