Tuesday, December 16, 2008


I've got to to change my subheading soon. My uterus isn't crappy anymore, my periods are lighter than ever.

As a matter of fact, strange spotting notwithstanding, I did eventually get my real flow this week, so I'm feeling hormonally more balanced. Screw you menopause, I'll get there when I get there and not a minute sooner! And by the way, I am indeed experiencing withdrawal from Effexor which does include sweating for no particular reason, so there. Food is starting to taste really good, too, like my taste buds are waking up .... which could be a bit of a problem.

You know part of the resistance to that whole idea is I'm still tied to my fertility (non-existent as it is). I was reading chicklet's post on the whole will I or won't I thing and it really struck a chord in me. The wanting to have a child, any child versus wanting a genetic child. With IVF, there is always hope in every embryo and hope is an addictive feeling. When you win, you win big time - but when you lose - oh, it costs so much more than just money. As much as I've put that idea to rest, occasionally when I see a bi-racial child I get that yearning in the base of my stomach. We dropped by our friends' place on the weekend with Christmas gifts in tow. They just had their second boy last week. I played with the 18 month old a bit and saw the 2nd boy snuggled against his mum for a breastfeeding and I wonder what our child might have looked like. I tidied up the play area and wonder what it would be like to be reading and teaching a child what a ball is, or a flower. I see how hard it is to have an adult conversation (unless you're the father who apparently can have conversations with his buddy without risking the toddler's demands for attention for mama, mama, mama!) Hubby told me he had told his friend that it had been really difficult to spend time (he's the godfather)with them in the past because their son was a constant reminder of what our own bio child could have been. These guys grew up together and I know it can be awkward for my husband as well.

In the past, I do remember us being there at the circumcision (the father was out of the country working) and the nurse thought my husband was the father and the mum was his wife. It was like somebody stabbed me. There I was comforting her cause she was all stressed and I was in a room full of parents and their babies feeling like the nanny or something. I was just trying to be there for friends, but honestly, I should have been given at least a gift certificate or something.

Back to the present, and I am still waiting to hold a baby of my own. Just breathe, wait, pray (and action) and repeat.


luna said...

the waiting while watching others is just so hard, isn't it? we just keep waiting and wondering, and longing...

Wordgirl said...

And I am here with you -- praying and breathing for you and with you.

I can feel these moments so palpably Deathstar -- the joy for others, but that bittersweet feeling. There have been times when people refer to me to W as 'his mom' -- and we both kind of feel at a loss in that moment.

I think its so powerful that Hubby shares his grief with you too --

I have a very good feeling about 2009 Deathstar...

and I'll be here with you on this journey,



annacyclopedia said...

Damn straight, you deserve a gift certificate! Sending you a spiritual gift certificate for peace and light. (Although a real one for chocolate and silk pyjamas might be better...)

I can so relate to that feeling of being invisible in a room full of women and babies - invisible yet indispensable at the same time. It's a bitch, no doubt.

I'm here, too - breathing and praying for you and with you. To a New Year full of blessings and the fulfillment of your hearts desires!