Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Oh, yeah, that.....baby thing.

Had a tense evening yesterday. I got a call from our adoption agency to prompt me to get our homestudy package completed. Again. They need a further info section - you know with more pictures and details about our lives. Apparently, we were shortlisted a couple of times, but with no further info pending, well.... they had to photocopy our homestudy report themselves. Of course, I apologized, I had been so busy with my show and I just let it slide. I felt so guilty. So guilty, and it's not real easy to make me feel guilty. Only my mum gets away with that. Like, oh, yeah, I should be more interested in this. I should have done this months ago, it's not like I have a job or anything. But I was a little more concerned about my losing weight and saving my marriage.

And then hubby told me he was going to go watch hockey at a pub. I gritted my teeth and muttered, but said nothing. Of course, I ended up calling him and told him that I was upset that he had gone anyway. I immediately had a craving for sweets, some sort of cake. I was freaking out and I needed comfort food. I settled for a lemon curd tart and a slice of pizza with salad. Oh, yeah, and a glass of wine. Oh, yeah and M&M's with peanuts. Sigh. I guess it's no wonder I gained so much weight over the past 4 years. I actually did start something though. Find out we don't have too many pictures with both of us in it. We have a lot of pictures of our dog.

I know why I have been putting this off. I've been enjoying putting my life back on track (I just shot one day on a new series called Caprica), enjoying doing creative work and I'm scared of actually having to deal with a potential adoption "situation". We just got our marriage back on track, and we're not having much stress right now. I don't want my life upset right now. I want a child but I don't want the emotional rollercoaster that seems to go along with the adoption process. I am reading these adoption blogs and I notice the real happy part doesn't come until the adoption papers are signed. Before that, all joy seems to be tempered with uncertainty and shell shock of actually getting a child.

I'm supposed to be providing further scintillating details about our lives without so much as a decent appraisal of the potential birthmother. Just sudden vague phone calls with due dates. It's the not being able to control the process thing that hits my alarm buttons. My dog is not feeling well (vet visit planned tomorrow), my mum is getting frailer and there's nothing I can really do about any of these things, either. Things I can't control, happening in rapid sequence, do not bring out the best in me. I stood in the kitchen and chanted my anxiety attack away that my inner Diva was threatening.

Okay, here comes some stuff for the Golden Box. Eating my face off will not help. Just chant, just breathe, all will unfold as it should. Do the work, be in the moment, all will unfold as it should.

"The Buddha wrote that one should become the master of one’s mind rather than let one’s mind master oneself. "

Gotta put that up on my bathroom mirror.


luna said...

great post. sometimes life gets in the way of our plans, and sometimes our plans get in the way of life. sometimes you just have to BE. there are no plans in the moment.

glad to hear about your show and marriage. hope you find the energy and time to decide how and when to proceed with the paperwork. just wish something could be easy. but no.

yeah, I eat for comfort too. trying hard to stop that, especially since I'm not big on the exercise thing...

Mrs.X said...

All of life's important decisions are going to have these moments of indecision. I have these same feelings about adopting a dog, I can only imagine how much stronger they are with adopting a child. As selfish as it sounds, I think the most important thing is to be focusing on you and your marriage right now. If you are having these kind of feelings now, I think it would be a great idea to continue to sit this one out and just be.

That's all the wisdom (read BS) that I have for now. :)

Lemon curd tart sounds really good.

Pamela T. said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's not exactly like you've had nothing better to do with your time...not to mention the new emotional trauma that comes with "selling" yourself as a prospective parent. Sigh. How can you not want to escape? Hell, I'm ready to dive into a bowl of peanut M&Ms just reading this...

Alyson and Ford said...

Glad to find you through NaCommLeavMo and S&T.
I have a good cry when the world is overwhelming. It sounds so simple but helps me get out the grief and move on to experience and recognize our happy times and many blessings.
No baby here either and we are adopting (I am older than dirt!). Our wait has been over 2 and half years.... hope you are ready for your adoption - lots of love and patience (for your hubby too!).

Alyson LID 01/27/06 IA China

dmarie said...

I applaud you for doing the paperwork at all. The adoption process seems so daunting to me. Just the thought makes me want to nap.

Congrats on the new show!

Trinka said...

I haven't read many blogs that talk about the anxiety of waiting for adoption, and all the false starts. Interesting!
Does adoption feel like a popularity contest?