Had a tense evening yesterday. I got a call from our adoption agency to prompt me to get our homestudy package completed. Again. They need a further info section - you know with more pictures and details about our lives. Apparently, we were shortlisted a couple of times, but with no further info pending, well.... they had to photocopy our homestudy report themselves. Of course, I apologized, I had been so busy with my show and I just let it slide. I felt so guilty. So guilty, and it's not real easy to make me feel guilty. Only my mum gets away with that. Like, oh, yeah, I should be more interested in this. I should have done this months ago, it's not like I have a job or anything. But I was a little more concerned about my losing weight and saving my marriage.
And then hubby told me he was going to go watch hockey at a pub. I gritted my teeth and muttered, but said nothing. Of course, I ended up calling him and told him that I was upset that he had gone anyway. I immediately had a craving for sweets, some sort of cake. I was freaking out and I needed comfort food. I settled for a lemon curd tart and a slice of pizza with salad. Oh, yeah, and a glass of wine. Oh, yeah and M&M's with peanuts. Sigh. I guess it's no wonder I gained so much weight over the past 4 years. I actually did start something though. Find out we don't have too many pictures with both of us in it. We have a lot of pictures of our dog.
I know why I have been putting this off. I've been enjoying putting my life back on track (I just shot one day on a new series called Caprica), enjoying doing creative work and I'm scared of actually having to deal with a potential adoption "situation". We just got our marriage back on track, and we're not having much stress right now. I don't want my life upset right now. I want a child but I don't want the emotional rollercoaster that seems to go along with the adoption process. I am reading these adoption blogs and I notice the real happy part doesn't come until the adoption papers are signed. Before that, all joy seems to be tempered with uncertainty and shell shock of actually getting a child.
I'm supposed to be providing further scintillating details about our lives without so much as a decent appraisal of the potential birthmother. Just sudden vague phone calls with due dates. It's the not being able to control the process thing that hits my alarm buttons. My dog is not feeling well (vet visit planned tomorrow), my mum is getting frailer and there's nothing I can really do about any of these things, either. Things I can't control, happening in rapid sequence, do not bring out the best in me. I stood in the kitchen and chanted my anxiety attack away that my inner Diva was threatening.
Okay, here comes some stuff for the Golden Box. Eating my face off will not help. Just chant, just breathe, all will unfold as it should. Do the work, be in the moment, all will unfold as it should.
"The Buddha wrote that one should become the master of one’s mind rather than let one’s mind master oneself. "
Gotta put that up on my bathroom mirror.