Thursday, June 11, 2009

Musings on resolving

After I read this post on Lollipop's site, I had one of those aha moments. These days I've had a hard time unspooling my mind from the grips of bitterness. She talks about resolving infertility and resolving childlessness. Two separate issues as you know. With my rapidly approaching birthday and nothing particularly interesting (besides Juno and yes, we're those crazy dog people now) to busy myself with, I have to admit that I'm still dealing with self hatred issues. These are old ancient issues, somewhat abated through my Buddhist practice and occasional therapy and confidence building achievements. Still hating myself for not achieving what I should have been able to achieve. Still hating my body for not miraculously being half the size it should be and for not producing a child.

I've noticed the pounds creeping back up, but what did I expect after my sporadic gym time and visits to candyland. Inertia creates a hole that I can't fill with food no matter how hard I try. Yep, should have signed up to bootcamp again. My mind said you know you should, my eyes reading the words on the website, but my heart said, it feels like punishment. Those who gain weight have to run and sweat and heave and struggle - that's punishment. And I was tired of being punished. You'll run and run and still be last behind the 27 year olds, you'll lose an inch or two here and there and so what? I remember when Sampson died and I kept going to bootcamp cause that's all I had, was the pain and sweat for one hour clouding out my pain. I smiled and pounded my aching feet up the steps of the stadium, all for the 10 minutes of endorphins I'd get in the shower later. I continued to work out with my twisted ankle and I liked the fact that I had a tangible injury to mark my grief. It didn't hurt enough.

No one has ever accused me of not showing up, of not being able to make a commitment. If I say I'm going to be there, I'll be there. I remember once years ago, I had to go to an audition and at the time I was working a temp job in a middle of some industrial area. I waited for this bus and of course, it was raining a monsoon. My piddly umbrella didn't stand a chance. The bus was nowhere in site. I waited and waited. I ran across a busy road to another bus step. The first bus showed up then. Finally a bus arrived and then it took me to a bus loop where I had to take another bus and when I made it there, I had to walk/run hard for 5 minutes. By the time I got to the studio, I was soaked through. My hair, my makeup was a mess. I tried my best to clean up. The casting director said I looked like a drowned rat. I didn't know if I wanted to smack her or crumple up and die. I was freezing, wet, teeth chattering in a skin tight black jumpsuit. I think I had one word to say. I didn't get the part.

But I showed up. I made it. Yet someone else got the part. My life went on and I had lots of roles to play and many happy things happened. I never forgot that day, though.

An analogy to the infertility experience. Waiting, waiting, running for buses, getting chilled to the bone and still not getting the part. And though I've done the "sensible" thing by turning to adoption to solve the childlessness part, I read about the long 2 year wait by friends who finally held their child in Africa right to the 6 week, 1 week, 12 days to get "chosen" stories. I feel like I'm being punished. I know it's nothing personal, right, universe, God? Anybody? Oprah? I'm not looking for pity here, I'm not even particularly upset right now, I'm just looking at the facts. This is something I probably should have been in therapy for. Aha. Blogging has been a kind of therapy and I know it has definitely kept me from snapping. I've never really talked to anybody about the effect that infertility and childlessness has had on my psyche - except to you all. I can describe it to interested friends or acquaintances, but I always self edit. So you know, I don't sound ..... CRAZY. So I don't sound depressed or stuck or obsessed or that I'm looking for pity. Cause I'm not. I'm just looking for clarity, maybe answers. Something tells me there are no answers, just a different way of looking at things.


Beautiful Mess said...

I think you're right, there are no answers, unfortunately. Blogging definitely therapy. I had a hard time going to a therapist after my mom died, but blogging? I can totally spill my guts. I think it's the honest feed back. It may not be what we want to hear, but it's what we NEED to hear and it's delivered in a kind, loving way. Just because I don't have any answers for you, doesn't mean I'm not on your side. It doesn't mean I'm not praying and wishing for you every day! Because I am!

Guera! said...

I am still looking for answers; something to make sense of it all. It has done more damage to my faith than good and I thought it was supposed to be the other way around. Your post today expressed what I have been unable to express. Thank you.

annacyclopedia said...

I've been saving this post in my reader cause I knew from the title it was really important, and of course it is.

Yeah. No answers. It's a bitch, isn't it? Being in the midst of suffering and self-hatred and despair, scrambling for relief and for solid ground, and not finding any, not a single scrap. I've been there, my friend - we all have. You, however, are blessed (if I can call it that, cause I know it hurts like a mother) to be able to see through to the other side of all of this. To see that maybe even the idea of answers is a very tricky, seductive illusion.

You are working so very hard and you are doing great, but no matter how hard you work or don't work, I love you the same. You are splendid and you are always teaching me something I need to know.

Wishing you widening glimpses of that deep peace and truth, and mountains and valleys and a veritable flood of self-love* for your birthday. I'm saying some loving kindness for you right now.

*I think you know the kind I mean. Although that other kind isn't bad either!

WannabeMommy said...

I loved your words here... I feel them so intensely because they could've been my own. "Resolving" is something I'm always working on (or rather, trying to just let BE).

Lollipop Goldstein said...

An incredibly powerful post. I love this part: "Those who gain weight have to run and sweat and heave and struggle - that's punishment. And I was tired of being punished."

Kristin said...

What a powerful post. Infertility screws with your mind in ways you never knew were possible...and thank God for the online community and blogging.

m said...

I, too, am in the midst of a self-imposed inertia. Maybe I don't WANT to run right now, ok? I say to myself, convincing myself to stay in bed, even though I know that if I step outside I could probably feel better, feel SOMETHING, if only for a little bit.

Ever since I read Mel's resolving post, I've been on a tear at my local library, looking, searching for some sort of clarity. Something to ease the way. But I don't know which way I am going. So I have this bizarre mishmash of titles telling me how ok it is to be childfree, how to start thinking about adoption and/or surrogacy, how to love my body, how to better handle anger. I am not sure if these are meant to be read as a collective.


This is a great post. Thank you for putting it all out there.

Anonymous said...

i've been lurking on your blog forever. it is always full of so much insight and honesty, and makes me feel less alone. i've been promising myself to comment on your blog for months, now.

this post is breathtaking. it puts into words what i've been wanting to communicate to certain people in my life, but couldn't seem to do. thank you so much for being.