Thursday, June 18, 2009

Daimoku thinking

I got up really early yesterday, found hubby on the living room couch cause Juno moved around a lot at night in her kennel and kept waking him up. I hear her, but her thumping doesn't bother me. Only sounds of distress (like getting ready to throw up)wake me up. I pity him when we get our baby cause he can't function without a good sleep. I made him coffee to go, took her out to do her business, made banana bread, and tidied up a bit. Oh, yeah, I was all ready until I realized that I can't think for crap in the mornings and forgot to put baking soda in the banana bread. Well, it smelled terrific anyway when I dumped it in the garbage. So I decided to make something else, but I didn't have much on hand. Canned peaches or fresh peaches? Well, I'd have to blanch and peel the fresh ones, so canned peaches it was and I made a very delicious peach loaf. I didn't have any milk, but I did have some Almond Breeze, which by the way, worked brilliantly. I make it up as I go along, folks. This is a little dangerous when baking. My girlfriend came over early and we settled in to chant. For 3 hours. Another Buddhist joined us later.

It was hard for the first bit. My mind wandered. It was hard to concentrate. Hard to hit the right rhythm, fall into the groove, fuse with the Gohonzon. My joints get stiff. Twitch, stretch, get thirsty. What was I chanting for? Scared to put it out there. I can chant easily for others, but for myself? For something very specific? Yep, there's something going on. My girlfriend says it time to chant for a breakthrough. Mmmm, haunted by failed answers to my prayers. If one considers not getting what one wants a failure. I've heard stories of others wanting so badly to get into a particular school or get a particular job, not achieving it but then go on to find something even better than they could have ever dreamed. Silver linings. Where's my silver lining? I've been waiting for years, so it must be pretty special, huh? Platinum perhaps?

I think maybe just maybe if it's a blessing I didn't get pregnant. As you all know, that's just step one of the whole equation. For many people, it's 1 + 1 = 2, but for others, it's just the beginning. Then you have to stay pregnant and then you have to bring a live, healthy human being into the world. Not so easy, right? Plenty of blogs out there to attest to that. So with the so called disadvantage of being a woman of a certain age attempting to enter the reproductive arena, there were many obstacles in the way and associated risks and dangers. Lots of worst case scenarios could have happened to me, so PERHAPS, getting knocked up would have brought me a far more onerous burden other than being infertile. Who knows? I can't speak for my sister's experience of having a child, but for 5 long years, she's been taking him to the doctor's office for one thing or another, fighting insurance companies, school boards, etc. and that does not sound like the joys of motherhood I keep hearing about. All I ever had was the perfect fantasy life that existed in my imagination where like in the soap operas, the kid is cute and beautiful and wonderfully gifted and then goes away when they're 2 and comes back a mischievous teen 6 months later.

I don't think I want much. I could be fooling myself. Oh, yeah, new shoes and a trip to Europe is cool, but my heart's true desire? Can't be bought with airmiles. I think DH thinks those types of things are happiness. You know, flat screen TVs and new cars and expensive suits and travelling all around. I understand that a bit. Many of my life's sweet moments have come when I'm looking at the sunset from a different latitude and longitude. Did you realize the earth smells different when the sun hits it in different parts of the world? I'm also pretty damn sure being a single digit size can bring me happiness. Or a Tim Horton's breakfast sandwich and a bag of candy. Either one. Oh, yeah, the joy of a new vegan (i.e. plastic) Mat + Nat handbag! Good thing mum is demented cause guess what she's buying me for my birthday?

I wanted to make a living at something I loved doing and I wanted to make someone with someone I love to love. Crushed on both counts. Life's unfair, could have been worse, yada yada. Moving on. Making room for other dreams in part 2 of my life. So, no, I just usually chant for others or just to feel good or that I can help encourage someone else. Looking for joy in a dog's smile. A well prepared meal. Good booze, good friends. Black sand between my toes. A story well told. To be healthy, have a strong back and be of sound mind. To be a parent and be happily married. Well groomed and a bit of hair on my head. That would be something to accomplish in our family history. Truly, it would. I chanted for courage, for strength to find my way to the wide open space on the other side of this wall in my life. And yes, even a child to come to me. I chanted for the capacity to embrace it all.

So we chanted and chanted. Went to the culture centre to chant some more last night. Thank you Anacyclopedia for sending the loving thoughts my way, I felt them.


WannabeMommy said...

I think it would be a wonderful thing to know you, like, for real and in-person.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Beautiful Mess said...

Sounds like you did a great job chanting! I hope you know you deserve to be chanted for! You deserve to dream and want just as much as anyone else.

Pamela T. said...

Beautiful, haunting, poignant and of so easy to understand. I hope the chanting brings new answers, peace and that silver lining that's so hard to find sometimes.

oxoxoxo and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! PJ

areyoukiddingme said...

I think sometimes that focusing on making our way down the right path is more productive than focusing on what's missing from the path.

annacyclopedia said...

Happy birthday, sweet friend.

I'm so glad you have the wisdom to chant for both the very general and the very specific. It was a big step for me to shift from asking for just the strength for me to accept things as they are to asking for what I deeply, deeply want - it took a lot of courage somehow, to admit to and open my heart to that powerful longing.

So it sounds like a breakthrough has already happened for you. What a lovely way to start another journey around the sun.

So glad my thoughts reached you the other day - it's such a gift to hear that they did. Thank you.

Oh, and any milk substitute works great in baking - soy, almond, rice, keep experimenting!

luna said...

just catching up with you and had to say I love this post. really love it. it resonates hard with me.

you deserve true happiness, my friend. chants and love and wishing some dreams coming true for you.