Maybe baby

Okay, I thought I'd have more to tell you by now, but I don't, so... looks like we're going to be meeting a birthmother next week in LA. It was supposed to happen this week but with one thing or another, next week works out better for everyone. I'd prefer to get this over with before the holiday weekend, but I've waited this long, what's another week?

Remember that daimoku session I had with my friend a couple weeks ago? The reason was that we had received a profile that DH felt strongly about so I thought maybe I should just get clear on a few things. So now this. We've been trying to arrange for dogcare and air flights, pulling funds together, and of course, I have friends flying in just for the weekend. Cause I didn't think I'd have anything else to do. !!!!!

I'd prefer to have someone come and stay with Juno but everyone (but me) has work or kids or something to do. She's still a puppy (she lost her first tooth yesterday) so she still needs supervision but my friend who is a dog walker/actress recommended her employer to board her. I don't really want to board her but it's simpler I guess. Of course, now I have to get through a weekend with friends who have no idea of what we've been going through for years (we recently got back in touch with each other). That should be interesting.

Am I excited? Sort of. I feel calm though. Strangely calm. My friend who is away for a holiday called me and said the sweetest thing to me. She said, just remember, you're enough just as you are. I almost cried. It was exactly what I needed to hear. So I'm staying calm, making arrangements, trying not to get ahead of myself. Wondering if I should bring gifts - what kind of gifts - or would that look too desperate? It's like a blind date, I have to fix my hair, get a bikini wax, what should I wear? I guess I could skip the bikini wax part.

Yoga in a sauna

Couple nights ago, I went to Bikram's Yoga, which is very conveniently located next door. I bought a pass for unlimited hot yoga for a week. Why now, I don't know. Maybe cause they won't make me run. Yoga in a sauna. I had to snap my mind back from judging myself harshly. I took off my top to reveal my Nike bra top cause it was that hot in there. Picture my mind like a yoyo going from oh, you're not doing too badly to omg, look at my gut hanging over my pants. I couldn't do most of the poses very well. I think of the 26 poses, I did about 80% of them. My shoulders hurt, I can't hold them out away from me that long without my rotator cuffs aching; my balance was off, I kept falling over; I can't twist one leg around the other cause they're too big. Arguably the biggest in the class. At least, I could feel good about my lovely pedicure. I'm the only black woman there. I say that because all that sweating is not good for a sister's relaxer. But I snap my mind back from comparing myself to that 4% body fat girl over there and just concentrate on getting through the poses. I do well I think. I didn't pass out and I didn't give up.



The little Asian woman with the mic barks out accented orders rapid fire like a machine gun. I'm so used to Asian accents that I can actually understand her 60% of the time. She calls out my name and says PALM OUT like 5 times before I actually figure it out and put my palm out. I'm wearing my watch and yes, I did sneak a couple of looks at the time. When was the last time you spent an hour and a half in a sauna? I breathe deeply and loudly to make my lungs are still working and give thanks to the pasta dinner I had that is giving me the energy to continue. You're not supposed to eat 2 - 3 hrs before class or to eat lightly. I hoped I wouldn't throw up.

I made it through and felt very relaxed when I got home. The need to seriously chill out increases as I get older, and I'd like to replace the wine and candy/cake/ food approach. I have to say, it's a little like chanting for the body. It's a discipline, you have to quell the mind from judging your faults but it's like this little timeout out just for you. I think it's the sweating, it tricks you into thinking you're working out like a dog.

I'm not so sure about the locked legs and the pain part of it, but I plan on taking it easy. My shoulders hurt quite a bit, rotator cuff issues - you know from WORKING OUT! The second time I went it was easier. I got into a couple of poses I couldn't do before. Barely, but I got there. Not that I wanted to see my fatty thighs from that angle, but whatever. Yay for me! A fellow Buddhist from up the street took the class so chatting with her after was nice. She confirmed I had placed myself (unwittingly) under a heat vent which explains why I had a hard time picking up my sweaty ankles with my sweaty hands. No wonder that spot was always empty.

I have another post for you, but - it's a doozy. And I just can NOT keep it to myself.

A little R&R

Who said I was 46? Slap that right out of your mouth?! Ah, another year older. Another year wiser? Mmm, well, I don't know about that, but I can hope, right? We enjoyed a lovely 2 day visit to Whistler with Juno. As much as we enjoy hanging out with my dog, having a little puppy can be a challenge. We tried to tie her up about 10 feet away but she was having a bit of a fit and we couldn't really relax. Luckily, there was a lovely doggy daycare so we could hang out on a patio with delicious cocktails and have lunch. There are a lot of dogs visiting Whistler and all the major hotels take them. We were even offered a doggie bed for the princess but we had brought her kennel. Hubby whisked her off for a big walk while I enjoyed a wonderful manicure/pedicure complete with paraffin treatment. It was quite lovely and I even got to have tea in the spa lounge and read the latest O magazine while waiting for my nails to dry. And of course, we were having a -ahem - a romantic interlude - when she woke up from a nap and decided to come see what was going on. Much laughter ensued. Thank goodness for rawhide sticks.



We also got out and browsed a shopped a little. Got a new hat! The weather was a bit cool, but the rain held off for most of the weekend. So all in all, it was very relaxing and I was spoiled rotten. Coffee and breakfast in bed and I even had a beavertail! It's basically a flat piece of dough with cinnamon and sugar. Yum!

Hubby was a little overprotective of her - I wanted to have dinner out our last night there and he was so concerned that we didn't leave her alone in the room. I know you're not supposed to leave a dog unattended, but we had cancelled housekeeping and she was in her kennel so I didn't figure there'd be any harm. He was so worried that she might start barking because "she wouldn't know where she was". So we had to test it and put her in kennel and waited outside the door. She whimpered a bit but settled down. So we ended up enjoying a lovely dinner downstairs (yes, he went back to check on her) in the hotel. Good news is that you can put a dog in a kennel but what the hell are we going to do with a child? NEVER GO OUT AGAIN, I SUPPOSE. I gotta start babysitting cause I am not going down like this. I'm going to have to start building a network in hopes that friends will return the favour when I need it.

By the way, here's proof that the shelter need never worry about how much we care for her. Guera: this ones's for you.

Please note that there were no children at all at the playground or even in the vicinity and little miss had done her business miles away from here. This is how badly DH needs a kid. Yes, she went down the slide. Crazy dog people.

Daimoku thinking

I got up really early yesterday, found hubby on the living room couch cause Juno moved around a lot at night in her kennel and kept waking him up. I hear her, but her thumping doesn't bother me. Only sounds of distress (like getting ready to throw up)wake me up. I pity him when we get our baby cause he can't function without a good sleep. I made him coffee to go, took her out to do her business, made banana bread, and tidied up a bit. Oh, yeah, I was all ready until I realized that I can't think for crap in the mornings and forgot to put baking soda in the banana bread. Well, it smelled terrific anyway when I dumped it in the garbage. So I decided to make something else, but I didn't have much on hand. Canned peaches or fresh peaches? Well, I'd have to blanch and peel the fresh ones, so canned peaches it was and I made a very delicious peach loaf. I didn't have any milk, but I did have some Almond Breeze, which by the way, worked brilliantly. I make it up as I go along, folks. This is a little dangerous when baking. My girlfriend came over early and we settled in to chant. For 3 hours. Another Buddhist joined us later.

It was hard for the first bit. My mind wandered. It was hard to concentrate. Hard to hit the right rhythm, fall into the groove, fuse with the Gohonzon. My joints get stiff. Twitch, stretch, get thirsty. What was I chanting for? Scared to put it out there. I can chant easily for others, but for myself? For something very specific? Yep, there's something going on. My girlfriend says it time to chant for a breakthrough. Mmmm, haunted by failed answers to my prayers. If one considers not getting what one wants a failure. I've heard stories of others wanting so badly to get into a particular school or get a particular job, not achieving it but then go on to find something even better than they could have ever dreamed. Silver linings. Where's my silver lining? I've been waiting for years, so it must be pretty special, huh? Platinum perhaps?

I think maybe just maybe if it's a blessing I didn't get pregnant. As you all know, that's just step one of the whole equation. For many people, it's 1 + 1 = 2, but for others, it's just the beginning. Then you have to stay pregnant and then you have to bring a live, healthy human being into the world. Not so easy, right? Plenty of blogs out there to attest to that. So with the so called disadvantage of being a woman of a certain age attempting to enter the reproductive arena, there were many obstacles in the way and associated risks and dangers. Lots of worst case scenarios could have happened to me, so PERHAPS, getting knocked up would have brought me a far more onerous burden other than being infertile. Who knows? I can't speak for my sister's experience of having a child, but for 5 long years, she's been taking him to the doctor's office for one thing or another, fighting insurance companies, school boards, etc. and that does not sound like the joys of motherhood I keep hearing about. All I ever had was the perfect fantasy life that existed in my imagination where like in the soap operas, the kid is cute and beautiful and wonderfully gifted and then goes away when they're 2 and comes back a mischievous teen 6 months later.

I don't think I want much. I could be fooling myself. Oh, yeah, new shoes and a trip to Europe is cool, but my heart's true desire? Can't be bought with airmiles. I think DH thinks those types of things are happiness. You know, flat screen TVs and new cars and expensive suits and travelling all around. I understand that a bit. Many of my life's sweet moments have come when I'm looking at the sunset from a different latitude and longitude. Did you realize the earth smells different when the sun hits it in different parts of the world? I'm also pretty damn sure being a single digit size can bring me happiness. Or a Tim Horton's breakfast sandwich and a bag of candy. Either one. Oh, yeah, the joy of a new vegan (i.e. plastic) Mat + Nat handbag! Good thing mum is demented cause guess what she's buying me for my birthday?

I wanted to make a living at something I loved doing and I wanted to make someone with someone I love to love. Crushed on both counts. Life's unfair, could have been worse, yada yada. Moving on. Making room for other dreams in part 2 of my life. So, no, I just usually chant for others or just to feel good or that I can help encourage someone else. Looking for joy in a dog's smile. A well prepared meal. Good booze, good friends. Black sand between my toes. A story well told. To be healthy, have a strong back and be of sound mind. To be a parent and be happily married. Well groomed and a bit of hair on my head. That would be something to accomplish in our family history. Truly, it would. I chanted for courage, for strength to find my way to the wide open space on the other side of this wall in my life. And yes, even a child to come to me. I chanted for the capacity to embrace it all.

So we chanted and chanted. Went to the culture centre to chant some more last night. Thank you Anacyclopedia for sending the loving thoughts my way, I felt them.

Books to read

I would like to highly recommend the book The Untelling by Tayari Jones for the Barren Bitches Brigade's book tour. It's the story of a young woman, Aria, whose father and baby sister are killed in a car accident which robs her familyof their secure middle class comfort. She grows up to find love and security with a boyfriend and believes she is pregnant. Poised on the brink of a new life, she finds herself trapped by a secret of her own making. You are really going to love this book.

PJ at Coming 2 Terms actually helped me win this book and when I received it I put it on the stack of books next to my bed. I finally got around to reading it. Had to read Silent Sorority first of course. Once I started reading it, I just slid right into the pages, if you know what I mean. It was so touching, so evocative and so simply told.

More on that hormone shit

Now that I'm temporarily free from the hormonal pit of hell courtesy of my period (am I actually thanking my period? Why - yes I am!), I'm thinking a lot more clearly. I have noticed my PMS which I've always had has noticeably gotten worse these past several months. You know the old bloaty, irritable feeling you get a week before your period? Mine has turned into 2 weeks before my period and my mood is really, really dark. I'm irritated even when I'm alone and am quite likely to yell at random drivers on the road. 'm starting to feel like the hubby really should get a night job and leave me alone with my candy and popcorn. Then I get my period and I feel so much bettter, more optimistic, even feel like spontaneously dancing. I suppose the estrogen (and other hormones) level has dropped and given me a break. I was talking to another woman about this cycle shifting crap last night and she told me she was on an antidepressant because of menopause. Holy crap! Is that what I've got to look forward to? This is the stuff I would ignore when they talked about it on TV and now I've got to start reading up. Skipped the pregnancy hormonal ride where you're ALLOWED to be crazy, as a matter of fact, people think it's cute and husbands volunteer to bring you ice cream and salty treats and rub your feet and gone straight to what's your F*** problem, here's a pill, you crabby woman!

Swell.

Well, I didn't do so well in prescription land last time, so I'm signing up for bootcamp next month. Yes. I said it. But the thought of my boobs sliding into my belly, well, that's my mother, not me. Not quite ready for that. The thought of enforced exercise and lots of salad doesn't exactly thrill me, but I don't really have much willpower or discipline, so I'm going to have to fake it until I make it. I don't have genetics on my side and if Mother Nature is intent on screwing me over, I'm going to have to fuck with her before I go down.

Musings on resolving

After I read this post on Lollipop's site http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2009/06/mishmash-of-thoughts.html, I had one of those aha moments. These days I've had a hard time unspooling my mind from the grips of bitterness. She talks about resolving infertility and resolving childlessness. Two separate issues as you know. With my rapidly approaching birthday and nothing particularly interesting (besides Juno and yes, we're those crazy dog people now) to busy myself with, I have to admit that I'm still dealing with self hatred issues. These are old ancient issues, somewhat abated through my Buddhist practice and occasional therapy and confidence building achievements. Still hating myself for not achieving what I should have been able to achieve. Still hating my body for not miraculously being half the size it should be and for not producing a child.

I've noticed the pounds creeping back up, but what did I expect after my sporadic gym time and visits to candyland. Inertia creates a hole that I can't fill with food no matter how hard I try. Yep, should have signed up to bootcamp again. My mind said you know you should, my eyes reading the words on the website, but my heart said, it feels like punishment. Those who gain weight have to run and sweat and heave and struggle - that's punishment. And I was tired of being punished. You'll run and run and still be last behind the 27 year olds, you'll lose an inch or two here and there and so what? I remember when Sampson died and I kept going to bootcamp cause that's all I had, was the pain and sweat for one hour clouding out my pain. I smiled and pounded my aching feet up the steps of the stadium, all for the 10 minutes of endorphins I'd get in the shower later. I continued to work out with my twisted ankle and I liked the fact that I had a tangible injury to mark my grief. It didn't hurt enough.

No one has ever accused me of not showing up, of not being able to make a commitment. If I say I'm going to be there, I'll be there. I remember once years ago, I had to go to an audition and at the time I was working a temp job in a middle of some industrial area. I waited for this bus and of course, it was raining a monsoon. My piddly umbrella didn't stand a chance. The bus was nowhere in site. I waited and waited. I ran across a busy road to another bus step. The first bus showed up then. Finally a bus arrived and then it took me to a bus loop where I had to take another bus and when I made it there, I had to walk/run hard for 5 minutes. By the time I got to the studio, I was soaked through. My hair, my makeup was a mess. I tried my best to clean up. The casting director said I looked like a drowned rat. I didn't know if I wanted to smack her or crumple up and die. I was freezing, wet, teeth chattering in a skin tight black jumpsuit. I think I had one word to say. I didn't get the part.



But I showed up. I made it. Yet someone else got the part. My life went on and I had lots of roles to play and many happy things happened. I never forgot that day, though.


An analogy to the infertility experience. Waiting, waiting, running for buses, getting chilled to the bone and still not getting the part. And though I've done the "sensible" thing by turning to adoption to solve the childlessness part, I read about the long 2 year wait by friends who finally held their child in Africa right to the 6 week, 1 week, 12 days to get "chosen" stories. I feel like I'm being punished. I know it's nothing personal, right, universe, God? Anybody? Oprah? I'm not looking for pity here, I'm not even particularly upset right now, I'm just looking at the facts. This is something I probably should have been in therapy for. Aha. Blogging has been a kind of therapy and I know it has definitely kept me from snapping. I've never really talked to anybody about the effect that infertility and childlessness has had on my psyche - except to you all. I can describe it to interested friends or acquaintances, but I always self edit. So you know, I don't sound ..... CRAZY. So I don't sound depressed or stuck or obsessed or that I'm looking for pity. Cause I'm not. I'm just looking for clarity, maybe answers. Something tells me there are no answers, just a different way of looking at things.

Barfing and Ferries

Nothing new to report. Life is pretty.... well, it's there. I'm having a hard time remaining positive. I'm trying very hard not to complain cause I just annoy myself. DH is trying to be romantic to me and I'm just irritated a lot which of course makes him say, "What the hell is wrong with you?". Why do they say that? Why? Is that supposed to make me want to talk?

Went to visit the inlaws for a day. By the way - screw you BC Ferries for charging $72 for a car and 2 people each way. We would have gone the night before (there's a discount Tues - Thurs) but I was working and there are no ferries after 9pm. So screw you. We wanted to see my DH's aunt who was there for just one more day on her holiday. We brought Juno. Her ride to the ferries was a bit dreadful for her, I'm afraid. She barfed twice and was generally unwell. DH was testy as usual, as I knew he would be, he doesn't deal with barf well. He was driving but frankly once you know the dog is going to barf, there's nothing you can do about it save put a sickbag in front of her snout. He kept turning to check on her instead of watching the road. For ***%%'s sakes, just watch the road, fussing over her is not going to stop her from barfing. He's always trying to avoid mess. It's our own fault, she got to her food bowl earlier in the morning and we should have remembered to pick it up. She recovered to play with the inlaws new 2 year old cocker. Dear MIL washed the blanket and towels she heaved on. Eventually, the dogs got along and the rest of the grownups sat on the porch and drank. I had no idea older people drank so much. Apparently at 4pm, someone rings a bell in the seniors park and they all gather with drinks in hand and talk and drink and occasionally hot tub. I have to say they were incredibly funny and down to earth. Ah, the older generation, they just want to get wasted on home brewed wine. And yes, we did get asked about children, but I just pointed to the dog and the woman had the good sense to change the subject. I love old people. They talked about funny things like farting in bed and days in the Navy. And dogs, of course.

As much as I love my in-laws, I hate going to Victoria for just a day. It takes about 2 1/2 hrs by the time you leave the house. You spend a fortune in gas and ferries just to sit around and chat. Before you know it, it's time to leave. Now you can drive to the ferries, pay for parking for the day and then walk on (which is much cheaper) but when you have a dog, it's slightly problematic. One time years back, we caught the ferry with Sampson. We sat on the side of the car deck in what we thought was the least wind swept corner. It was filthy and cold, and there was one old rickety dirty chair and we had to go find another one which we had to clean before DH could sit on it. For this steerage, we paid full fare. Lucky for us, I brought a blanket. Even the employees have to wear headphones to shut out the noise. I was not impressed. Sometimes you don't get the ferry that has a prepared pet area. If you get on the bigger ferry, you sit in an area midship away from the wind on the noisy car deck (atmospheric sounds along with car alarms) on a steel bench. It's still noisy and cold, but at least you're not near an open window bay. I did this once and kind people offered to bring my coffee to keep me warm. If you're lucky you're with another pet owner and you can spell each other off if you need to use the washroom. Once again, full fare even though you're not really free to use the "amenities" of the ship. Recently, they have a new ship and that one you get to set on the car deck, but in a room with four steel chairs and a bench. Not bad. Much better. Not comfortable for a human in the slightest, but it's much improved. Ah, what we do for our pets.

There's been some talk about going away for my birthday, we don't have a pet sitter for Juno. I don't think I could leave her with our friends, she's too young and requires too much supervision, so that means bringing her with us. This will most likely involve barfing in the car and a ferry.

Perhaps some caviar and champagne with that?

We got our test results back for Satan's spawn - and long story short, we need to get her to have firm stools. I spent about 15 minutes on the phone with a vet (not the one we usually see) from the clinic who explained her soft stools could be a pancreatic issue, leaky gut or parasitic something or other and we need and we should put her on a probiotic and maybe an enzyme supplement (which they sell) and maybe a full blood panel or they could look in her bowel while spaying her, blah, blah, blah. Or it could be a food issue. She suggested I should buy her pork tenderloin and make white basmatic rice. Wait a minute. Hold up. she's not throwing up and she's not in pain, no blood in the stools, but I'm not quite convinced I need to give her the Queen's dinner quite yet.

I'm not entirely sure if they're trying to help me out (maybe, just maybe), but I think I'm going to go one step at a time. She's grown quite a bit which could explain her elevated ALP levels and we've been monkeying with her food because she wasn't gaining enough weight when we got her. We didn't have enough of her old food to transition her to a new food, so we'll have mix it in with new stuff. I'll give her the probiotic and see what happens. In any case, this should prolong her spaying and I'll see what happens when I give this report to the shelter.