Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Moody times

I try not to write about DH but when it really starts to get to me, I can't help it. He's been pretty moody lately. I'm used to being the seriously unhinged one around here. The economy has been on everyone's mind lately and it's not any different here in Canada. BC has been economically strong and stable for the past few years, but when you're in certain financial sectors, the good times are over. His usual travel plans in the fall have been cancelled, no one is interested in making the big deals at the moment for obvious reasons. Earlier this year there was talk about us having enough money for the adoption and then some and now he's grocery shopping with me and looking for sales. That is not like him at all. He would just throw things in the cart and I would be the one digging around in my humongous purse looking for coupons as he rolled his eyes. He would laugh when I told him stories about how I would live on $20 a week for groceries and how my girlfriend and how I could eyeball the items in my basket and tell I was up to $19.95. Well, he ain't laughing now!

There are very few things that put him off his feed so to speak. Our dog's death was one. Just recently he got a tattoo of Big Boy's paw on his calf. I'll get a picture of it soon, I was just waiting for it to heal up. I kept asking him how much it was going to cost and he feigned ignorance. Apparently, it goes into the "worth it" category. As will mine. The other thing that is sure to get him down is worrying about money. I felt compelled to reassure him that I think about it too, but I've never really let the money thing get me down. After all, I'm an actress and after all these years, I'm used to the feast or famine rollercoaster. Yes, indeedy, life is way better when you have lots of money, no doubt about it. I'd rather have to debate between going to Bali or Thailand as oppose to brand name vs. no name can of beans. Back in the day, I used to toss and turn when I wasn't sure where the rent money was going to come from, but then it always came. So at some point, I decided not to worry about it, to just have faith that the money would come. Faith is not something he subscribes to, however. Since he is the breadwinner, he feels the weight of my expectations. His own expectations. He finally found a job he loves and it provided us a glimpse of the future we could have. So to see him toss and turn, not eat, get all short and impatient with me, well, it's upsetting. He keeps telling me everything will be okay, but he's not acting like it. He's started to rearrange things around here. Not a good sign. When things are out of his control, he seeks order in his home. So I did my best not to hyperventilate when he rearranged the office. I hate it when my stuff is moved around, but I let it go. My idea of rearranging is adding things, not taking things away.

Did I tell you I left my agent last week? Yep, it was long overdue, but I was practically ill over it. It is times like this that I wish I were a high powered something or other. I'm sure in another life I was. But when I go to sleep, I have to push away that evil whisper that says if only I was skinny enough, smart enough, more successful, more educated, more something I could make him happy. I push that whisper away with some daimoku and realize the truth is that I can't make someone happy any more than they can make me. I can't fix it. Nor does he want me to. In fact, he hates it when I try to.

I'm finally in a good mood and now he's in a funk. Swell.


loribeth said...

I try not to write about my dh either -- especially negative stuff, since he reads my blog. ; ) When he's in a good mood, all is sunshine & rainbows -- but he can be pretty moody sometimes too, & since he is an equities trader (!), the current economic situation has him pretty stressed out too (& also talking about cutting back, etc.). I'm not often very moody, but I get tired of always having to be the positive one. No solutions for you; just wanted you to know I understand!

Deathstar said...

Thanks, Loribeth, it helps.:)

luna said...

I really hate stress and arguments over money. can't stand it.

I don't write much about my hub because he reads my blog, and the one time I posted an anonymous vent somewhere else, he just *happened* to find it. yikes. so I tend to talk about him more in my comments on other people's blogs... heh.

I probably have no good solutions for a frugal existence that you don't already know. I'll just second your annoyance with the whole situation. I know that when we're both in a funk, our heads and home are NOT a good place to be. last sunday was the first time in a while that NO one would have wanted to be within miles of our house. even the deer stayed away...

hope leaving your agent will lead to great new possibilities...

loribeth said...

Here's a distraction for you: you've been tagged! See my blog.

Wordgirl said...

Oh I so understand this -- it is exactly the same with G -- money is a huge button issue for stress -- and I've come to learn that I have to just ride the wave -- it always gets better -- but the difference between his 'happy' self and his cranky self it so clear -- I hate it. It's easy for me to get tangled up in it and then, like you, I have to tell myself that it's his deal -- and while we're in this together all I can do is be happy myself and wait for him to come around -- and he does.

And, on a separate note, it sounds like the move with the agent is going to open up new possibilities -- I keep going back to a post of Lori's a while ago -- this woman started this movement - -29 days of giving -- and the concept was to let go of something every day for 29 days -- and in this instance it was to give it to someone else -- but the underlying concept was that it had to be hard to do -- and something you thought you couldn't live without -- because otherwise how could we transform?

I've been thinking about that -- the places we stretch -- not painfully, but with awareness into the frightening places -- and as you so often tell me-- to go into the places you are scared to go -- because gifts are held there for you.

Love to you my friend,


Pamela T. said...

Sigh. I so hear you about having the patent on being the unhinged one in our house. There are few things more unnerving to me than when my DH loses his cool (he can rival no-drama Obama on any day of the week). When it happens I know things are messed up.

Very sorry to hear that things are unsteady at the moment -- especially when things were starting to calm down.

Finally, don't be too hard on yourself.