I try not to write about DH but when it really starts to get to me, I can't help it. He's been pretty moody lately. I'm used to being the seriously unhinged one around here. The economy has been on everyone's mind lately and it's not any different here in Canada. BC has been economically strong and stable for the past few years, but when you're in certain financial sectors, the good times are over. His usual travel plans in the fall have been cancelled, no one is interested in making the big deals at the moment for obvious reasons. Earlier this year there was talk about us having enough money for the adoption and then some and now he's grocery shopping with me and looking for sales. That is not like him at all. He would just throw things in the cart and I would be the one digging around in my humongous purse looking for coupons as he rolled his eyes. He would laugh when I told him stories about how I would live on $20 a week for groceries and how my girlfriend and how I could eyeball the items in my basket and tell I was up to $19.95. Well, he ain't laughing now!
There are very few things that put him off his feed so to speak. Our dog's death was one. Just recently he got a tattoo of Big Boy's paw on his calf. I'll get a picture of it soon, I was just waiting for it to heal up. I kept asking him how much it was going to cost and he feigned ignorance. Apparently, it goes into the "worth it" category. As will mine. The other thing that is sure to get him down is worrying about money. I felt compelled to reassure him that I think about it too, but I've never really let the money thing get me down. After all, I'm an actress and after all these years, I'm used to the feast or famine rollercoaster. Yes, indeedy, life is way better when you have lots of money, no doubt about it. I'd rather have to debate between going to Bali or Thailand as oppose to brand name vs. no name can of beans. Back in the day, I used to toss and turn when I wasn't sure where the rent money was going to come from, but then it always came. So at some point, I decided not to worry about it, to just have faith that the money would come. Faith is not something he subscribes to, however. Since he is the breadwinner, he feels the weight of my expectations. His own expectations. He finally found a job he loves and it provided us a glimpse of the future we could have. So to see him toss and turn, not eat, get all short and impatient with me, well, it's upsetting. He keeps telling me everything will be okay, but he's not acting like it. He's started to rearrange things around here. Not a good sign. When things are out of his control, he seeks order in his home. So I did my best not to hyperventilate when he rearranged the office. I hate it when my stuff is moved around, but I let it go. My idea of rearranging is adding things, not taking things away.
Did I tell you I left my agent last week? Yep, it was long overdue, but I was practically ill over it. It is times like this that I wish I were a high powered something or other. I'm sure in another life I was. But when I go to sleep, I have to push away that evil whisper that says if only I was skinny enough, smart enough, more successful, more educated, more something I could make him happy. I push that whisper away with some daimoku and realize the truth is that I can't make someone happy any more than they can make me. I can't fix it. Nor does he want me to. In fact, he hates it when I try to.
I'm finally in a good mood and now he's in a funk. Swell.