Questions, questions, questions

I know they have to ask, but these family assessment questionnaires are a little, well, stupid. We have to fill out another one before our next meeting with the social worker.

For example:

Have you ever been the victim of an unwanted sexual advance?

Huh? As a woman living in this world, the answer to that question would be a yes. Somebody grabbed my ass on a crowded New York subway. Some drunken idiot grinded his erection into me while dancing. Occasionally, I've been asked if I would like to fuck to which I replied, no thank you, not if you were the last man on earth. I think I know what they're getting at, but I'm left to make an assumption.

Or:

Have you experienced any of the following during the past two years?

none, marital reconciliation, separation from spouse/partner, loss of child, family member or close friend, financial problems, personal inury or illness, infertility treatment, divorce, change in health of a family member, pregnancy, sexual difficulties, change to a different line of work, fired from job.

What is "sexual difficulties" doing in there? Just curious how that would figure into the business of the Ministry of Children and Family Development. "Oh, we noticed that you have difficulty achieving orgasm, we have a problem with you adopting a child." What I'm wondering is why they don't ask you how many one night stands you had.

The rest of the questionnaire deals with issues of alcohol and substance abuse in the entire family tree. Just reading down the list of drugs they ask if you have every taken had me strolling down memory lane. Ah, those crazy times when I had no responsibilities, no worries, no sense of my own mortality. When I was single, I had nights when drinking and doing lines in the club bathroom seemed like a good idea at the time. I don't regret any of it. I just have better things to do with my time these days. Luckily I don't have an addictive personality (do cherry Twizzlerators count?) and cessation of either alcohol or drugs was never a problem for me. It occurs to me that if I were a European woman who drinks a glass of red wine several times a week with her meals, I might raise a red flag. As one gets older, drinking gets you a hangover and you waste an entire day feeling like hell, and frankly I can't afford cocaine, I'm all tapped out after buying Gonal F. Now that's an expensive mood bender! Does taking Dexatrim for 2 weeks count as a stimulating substance? I think so, since over the counter diet pills is on the list. Is nothing sacred anymore? Is salivating over new shoes a bad thing?

Aw come on, what if they're on sale?