Thursday, October 18, 2007

3rd Homestudy Visit

We had #3 visit couple nights ago. I did share some of my comments about the questionnaire and she did explain why they were there. For example, the query about sexual difficulties could be a sign that the marriage is in trouble. Really, I'm sure there aren't too many couples checking that one off. Mind you,between my bad back, and my husband's cold sore, we're not getting any, but we kept that to ourselves. (Maybe that's why my subconscious picked up on that one? Mmmm.)

It went pretty well until we talked about the time we had separated briefly 2 years before we were married. When I say briefly, I mean a few days. Then we went for couples counselling which ended up with me continuing solo with counselling for depression. Now she had made it clear that she thought it was good to seek help when you need it, but still I felt, well, a little less than perfect. She asked about what would be things we wouldn't tolerate in our relationship. My husband's was infidelity, mine was disrespect. Disrespect covers a lot of ground, from not valuing who I am to being belittling and mean. I saw a lot of that when I was growing up and I'm sensitive to that. I don't think I would divorce him over infidelity, I'd want to stay married and make him suffer for a while. I'm such a nice Buddhist, eh?

All in all, it went well, we're meeting again in a couple of weeks. This time she gave us questions about child rearing to think about. However, I guess we can have our ideas about something but it's something that we'll have to experience to truly know.

I felt pretty drained after the visit. I was pretty quiet on the way home. Why, why, why? I started analyzing everything. The questions, our responses. Did I look upset, I think I got pretty quiet after a certain point which is a dead giveaway that I'm upset or concerned. I didn't like talking about the time I was being treated for depression. It reminded me of my vulnerabilities, the whole feeling of not being good enough, at a time when I am sitting in front of a social worker whose job it is to satisfy the powers that be that I am good enough to adopt a child. Cripes, even as an actress auditioning, at least I have a script! I've got time to prepare.

You know, there's a lesson in all this for me. When you're auditioning, there's this thing we call a "stink" on you when you really want the part. It's called desperation and they can smell it. It's not an attractive thing. And you never get the part. Darn it, I should have chanted an hour before the meeting. That would have chilled me out and connected me to a place of calm. Okay, next time.

Ah, so that's why I feel so drained!!! I am auditioning! I'm "improv"-ing for an hour and a half. But it's real life, it's our life. I want the role of being a parent. Remember Sally Field when she won an Oscar for Norma Rae ("you like me, you really like me!")? That's what it's like.

Ohmigod, I just had a thought, maybe they should make homestudies more like Donald Trump's The Apprentice.

It's a 12 week interview. We get judged along with other potential adoptive parents. The parents could be split into teams. Team Open Adoption and Team International Adoption.

One of the tasks is that we get a "baby" doll that cries at all hours of the night and poops at will. We can tell it stories about the time it was adopted and came into our lives on "gotcha" days. The judges could be Brad & Angelina and Madonna & Guy. We would be judged on our nighttime adoption stories and Life Books. Extra points could go to the couple who does adoptive breastfeeding. How will they handle issues of attachment and grief and loss? Stay tuned for next week's exciting episode.

Will Team Open Adoption raise enough money for their adoption or will they be forced to cash in their RRSPs, or take out (duh, duh, duh) a bank loan? Will Team International Adoption have to face the fact that their country of choice is now closed under shady accusations of a child sex slave ring, be bogged down permanently in a sea of bureaucratic immigration red tape or fall victim to infighting due to the indecision of which country is cheaper?

It's Must See TV!

8 comments:

OHN said...

The thought of another reality shows makes my toenails curl :)

Now that I look back on our homestudy visits I think it is pretty amazing that we "passed" I think more than once I expressed displeasure at being picked apart piece by piece when in a perfect world, anyone can get pregnant and call themselves mom and nobody checks the minute details of their lives.

Schatzi said...

Those homestudies sound soooo stressful. If we decide to adopt, I am not looking forward to trying to explain some things that in my mind are no one else's business...

Deathstar said...

Well,can't say it's all pleasant but on the other hand, it's a great opportunity for dialogue with your spouse.

Frank N. Beans said...

Wow! I guess it is good that they are thorough, but I can't believe how detailed they are. The questions remind me of our marriage preparation class that we had to take to get married in the Catholic church.

Pamela Jeanne said...

You totally nailed it with the auditioning analogy. I'd be drained and turned inside out, too. How do you prepare adequately not for a role in a play, film or commercial but for real life. It's just so surreal, which makes your reality TV proposal so, well, "normal" given the circumstances you're describing. Stay strong. I know you will...

chicklet said...

Our friends are going through this and it just sounds like not a lot of fun - they analyze every portion of your life and you then analyze every answer you give. Ugh.

Lori said...

OK. So you've already got your script for the next International IF Film Festival!

Your scenario had me cracking up. Hubby had to come in and see what was wrong with me.

KarenO said...

Its one of the most unfair things in life: the incredibly strict rules they have for people to adopt. Yes I know it is to protect the children, but my GOODNESS, why don't someone somewhere start making it more difficult for people that SHOULDN'T have kids, to bring them into this world? Sorry about my ranting, but sometimes this life is just SO upside down and backwards.