We had our last counselling session yesterday. And boy, did I have a LOT to say. I could have talked for an hour. I love therapy. If you've never been, I highly recommend it. It's refreshing! I shared all the questions and doubts that I had. I shared how I felt about his pot smoking and my anger that my feelings had been discounted. Hubby was a bit tentative, I was awfully quiet and he knew I had stuff to get out. I'm glad I waited, cause apparently what I had to say had to be translated for him. What had bothered me for years is his penchant to become impatient when I can't communicate what I want from him in 30 words or less. He goes from Point A to B in linear fashion, no stops. Here's what I have to say, too bad if it hurts your feelings, I'm just telling the truth. I go window shopping, then to Point A, sit down and have a coffee and maybe a little snack, think a little bit and then arrive at Point B. Listen honey I have something to say, I'm not quite sure what it means, I have to chant about it, are you listening to me? I process, therefore I am. And I think a light went on for him. In order for me to have my communication needs met, he actually has to LISTEN. Even when it takes more than a minute! Holy cow, it took him over a decade to figure that out! Some men are just slow, you know....
I also learned that his newfound sobriety and return to the gym, was inspired by me. Whaaaa? Mmmm. He finally understood that my "nagging" about his drug use was not a question of tit for tat, but was entirely valid. He was deliberately tuning me out. That lo and behold he was responsible for the consequences of his actions. And between you and me, I think he picked up on my the fact that while we were poking around this marriage stuff, that I was going get what I needed as well. Or I'd get smoking hot, get really popular and dump him. I shared my fears that this sobriety wouldn't last, and I was quite concerned that he would go back to smoking weed with a child in the house and that I could not and would not have that. He actually agreed with me and was surprised that I thought he would. Really. I don't know if he has ever heard of the maxim that a good predictor of future behaviour is looking at past behaviour. Anyways, just expressing that I am considering holding off submitting our adoption profiles has gotten his attention and touchingly, I can see he really wants to have a child in our life. What makes it a little difficult is that due to the Hague Convention, I can't put off the decision to look for a child in the States for six months. I will not be able to reverse that decision. Mmmmm.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm no saint, I've done mild drugs in the past for all sorts of reasons, most of which included having a good time. And frankly it was unheard of me to turn down a martini. And believe you me, there were many, many days when I would have loved to get wasted and tune out. (I kinda did, I just ate and played A LOT of online Scrabble.) However, it is not a part of my lifestyle anymore. When you start to consider having children and climb aboard the ttc train, you get your priorities in order. And as my Buddhist practise has developed, the clarity and peace of mind has given me far more joy and purpose than getting wasted ever has.
I want to feel secure in my marriage again. I want us both to be happy, to have our needs met so that we could raise a child in love and security. I know there are no guarantees in life, it can change in an instant. Boy, do I know that.
It was a very productive session. I learned that giving my hubby an ass-chewing when required is not such a bad thing. He actually responds better to it. I learned that we have a lot going for us and when we actually work together as a team, (we're both extroverts with control issues) we're very powerful.
We had our first dancing lesson last week. We are taking beginner's ballroom and latin dancing. We did the rumba, well, at least we tried. It was fairly demanding, but we actually had fun, and when we got the steps right, it was actually sexy. We looked over at an older couple and they had all the moves right and it looked so easy... for them. We had to work a little harder. I saw the guy I fell in love with. He was goofy and funny and his eyes were on me. I saw glimmers of life before infertility, a life before I became my mother's guardian, and all that mattered to me was getting a gig and dancing with a hot guy. I have to admit, I wasn't very good at following. Hey, if you can't get the steps right... I'll do it myself. Mmmm. Trust. Just concentrate on what I have to do and let my partner do what he has to do. That translates as "handle my own shit".
The moral of the story is this - listen to your woman.... and you just might get laid.