Sunday, August 26, 2007

And the winner is...BFN!

I tried acupuncture, Chinese medicine, supplements up the ying yang, and even a personal trainer. Hell, I felt great! I felt prepared! I never complained! I gave up coffee and drinking and it was all worth it. I was chanting like a mofo and I was 100% certain that my sheer force of will and desire and every benevolent force in the universe would bring me a BFP! Boy, what a story it would make to tell the little one later on. Ha, ha, ha, child, with your tab, you're going to have a get a paper route.

Even injecting myself with the drugs wasn't that big of a deal. I looked forward to it. We joked so much, it was kind of exciting, you know?

People I barely even know were (and still are) constantly asking me when I am going to have a baby. Especially if they haven't seen you in a while and you just bump into them at the store or something. Ah, well, I, uh, don't know how much I want to reveal of my personal and private anguish to you in the dairy section. No, scratch that, I'm not supposed to eat dairy. You know, at first I would smile and reassure them (and me)that it would happen.

Especially after the 2nd lap, in the new clinic that wouldn't put me in a closet to wait after an embryo transfer. IVF#2 went a little better, even got me some nice new fancy blastocysts - can't get much better than that, right? What's a little ovarian hyperstimulation between friends? Best part was that was my belly was 2 inches bigger after the retrieval and I could barely move, but I felt pregnant already! Whoohoo! Lots of quiet chanting - maybe my chanting the first time was too strong! The energy might shake my babies loose. Fast forward through the 2 week wait - otherwise known as fresh hell, 10th circle of Google hell, fill in your favourite phrase - to what Aunt Flo had already announced - BFN. What the fuck?!!!!

Attempt #3 had them putting in 4, count em 4 lovely embryos. Third time's the charm, right? I'll always remember how lovely my uterus looked via the hysteroscopy - all pink and fluffy, like candy floss. I actually made it to blood test day with no spotting either. My first time with no sign of the crimson bitch in sight. Didn't even want to believe in that stupid pee stick. Hope shone her lovely light on me. Alas, BFN. I had no words. No air in my lungs.

A week later, I had the most painful period of my life. And I was glad. I think my hubby thought I'd gone over the deep end. But I was satisfied the physical pain I felt finally matched my insides.

During this difficult time, I looked up my old therapist. She was a gift. She made me realize that I was traumatized and grieving an end to a dream. She used EMDR on me, (kinda weird but I was game) and it helped quite a bit. And once, for the whole hour, I just sobbed.

Attempt #4 was somewhat fatalistic. I had 2 frozen embryos left and I felt it was best to do an unmedicated cycle. I knew the time had come to say goodbye. I paid good money for those embies, I couldn't just let them be thawed and discarded in a lab. They were going to go back inside of me to either thrive or not. My husband and I were open to whatever the result was going to be. No judgments. Now I just chanted for peace. Just surrender. Clarity. I wanted my life back, I wanted to go back to the way I used to be. I missed the old me. My husband could no longer bear to watch me suffer.

If there is one thing my faith has taught me, is that I have a lot to be grateful for. And I wanted to sit before the Gohonzon and chant with gratitude for my life, my loved ones, this beautiful world. I was sick of stuffing my face to keep my fear away.

And so, when I got the BFN from the pee stick, the phone call didn't hurt as much. I knew that I would live through it all. In acting school, when we finished a monologue or a scene we would say....AND SCENE... just to let you know we were done if you didn't already know it. And we were done. Finished. I just wouldn't be the same woman I used to be. And I guess, that was also a part of what I had been mourning. The woman I used to be.

Suffer what there is to suffer, enjoy what there is to enjoy. Regard both
suffering and joy as facts of life and continue chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, no
matter what happens. Then you will experience boundless joy from the Law.
Strengthen your faith more than ever.
- Nichiren Daishonin


Kami said...

How hard we try to control the outcome! We are told it will work if you try hard enough. We give it our all and the results continue to be elusive. It sucks. In the end, nature has the last laugh and we are left to adjust.

Pamela T. said...

We had a remarkably similar experience, eerie how close it was -- felt like I was reading my own history here. Glad we're both pulling out of it. You're a big reason I was able to get my emotional house in order. Great quote, here, too. Will keep that one handy.