Friday, January 23, 2009

Great news or is it?

A dear friend of mine just had her first shot of Menopur. Her first IVF. At the shiny new clinic. She's excited. I'm excited for her. I want success for her cause the flip side of the coin totally sucks. I am now living vicariously through her. It has occurred to me in the back of my mind, that I will feel left behind when she becomes pregnant. When my other friends were pregnant, I couldn't really be there, given the situation I was in, I just showed up after the baby was born. And then disappeared again. I can guide her through this process, but I don't know anything about what happens next. Nothing, fuck all. You know, the after the double pink line or cross or positive blood test part. I've never been pregnant. At least not in this lifetime. I want to be able to swap stories with her about this milestone and that, but I can't. That makes me sad. We've shared everything so far. I will always be her friend and I will be there whenever she needs me. I will try my best to hide my twinge of envy, and who knows, maybe I won't even feel that way. Cause I'll have more exciting things on my mind. Right? Time to put on the big girl panties and get a life.

DH just told me about an old friend of his who had recently gone off the Pill after 21 years. She's pregnant at the age of 42. I actually fell asleep last night feeling miserable and sorry for myself. I can't fucking believe it. And I felt even worse for having those feelings at all. In the midst of enjoying such good fortune and opportunity, such things still get under my skin. Was I like this when I was single and I heard a friend was getting married? Mmm, probably. And feeling that way didn't serve any purpose at all and it certainly doesn't serve a purpose now. Except to fucking annoy and torture myself. Enough.

Looking on the bright side of things, I'll be able to have my own child to raise soon. I'll focus on that. We can walk together with our prams in the park. And then I can bitch about not having any more time to whinge.


luna said...

that news is still hard to take, those bellies still hard to see.

Guera! said...

I want to meet the infertile person who is geniunely, sincerely, happy for her newly pregnant friend or coworker and has not one stitch of self pity, mourning, anger, jealousy, sadness or a combination of any of those feelings. I'll never meet her because she simply does not exist. And you know what that means....You are human. It would not be natural for you to feel any differently. It just wouldn't.

loribeth said...

I agree with Luna & Guera. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel at least a twinge of envy. Go easy on yourself. (((hugs)))

dmarie said...

Thanks for checking on me. I agree with the others. It's hard. Hard hard.