Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Cracked Open

I posted this video because I was watching Dreamgirls the other night and it brought tears to my eyes. She sings it when she realizes it's time to step up and claim her own voice and her own life.

Here's the lyrics if you want to know. That song has been on my mind since I've decided that this is the year I start living large. I think I'm still feeling the ripples of D's death. It cracked me open. I didn't want to be just this childless housewife waiting for my life to begin when I was approaching the half century mark. At times, it's like treading water. I've got dense bones, people, I sink. Waiting for a child, waiting for a gig, waiting for a project to direct, waiting for the cheque in the mail, waiting to be skinnier. It's like going to medical school, learning all the theory of medicine, going out and buying all the gear and then doing surgery a couple times a year and being an orderly the rest of the year.

On the list of things to do better, was my relationship with DH. I've noticed that due to stress he's really been on my case about a lot of things and I've also noticed my lack of desire to put up with it. After Sampson died, there was this huge hole in our lives and grief was once again sitting in our living room. I think I was smothering the poor guy. So I was either going to have to repress my emotions and end up miserable or learn to communicate with love. So I sat down and chanted with my all of my heart. Then when he came home, I was ready to let him know how I felt about some things. And I was as bone tired of not being listened to as he was. We had one of those aha moments. At my request, he even read a chapter of Eckhard Tolle's A New Earth. The chapter on the pain body. He was also open to doing "homework". Not entirely sure what that's going to be, but we'll figure it out. I don't think we need counselling, we just need to truly hear and have compassion for one another. We've both had to readjust our identities and our expectations quite a bit over the past few years. He expressed his confidence in our marriage and our ability to overcome adversity. I felt like I had found my best friend again. And it even occurred to me that I had to become my own best friend.

Something is shifting inside of me and I can't not speak. I will be heard.


luna said...

this is a lovely post. that is such a powerful song. and she is just way too gorgeous.

Wordgirl said...

Oh Deathstar,

I feel such power from this post -- that power that comes from that cracking open -- I so understand the waiting -- my life has been like that -- in a holding pattern -- and I too, have decided to wade into it -- I have to say my friend -- in no small part due to your words of encouragement and gentle reminders about living a life beyond the fear...

I already hear you my friend -- and I'm here listening --I can't wait to hear about your experience in Banff!



Pamela T. said...

You've captured that very surreal experience of personal isolation in the midst of joint hurt and pain. I know you'll work through it. I can feel it...

annacyclopedia said...

Beautiful post. I love that you are feeling that this is your year. I was talking about my acupuncturist the other day and she said that in Chinese astrology there is a lot of stuff about this year being a very good year that will bring positive change. How much I go in for that sort of thing can change with the day, but I definitely have been feeling in my bones that this year is different somehow, from all other years I ever remember beginning.

There is so much power in laying claim to our own lives just as they are and not waiting for things to change. I can feel that energy here in this post, and I can't wait to watch you blossom and thrive through this shift.

Much love to you.