About a week ago, my hubby had the 3am urge to reach out and touch me in that half sleepy kind of way and I kinda half responded to it and then changed my mind. I felt it was better that we talk about things first. He promptly fell back asleep and I was left awake for the remainder of the morning as I analyzed the whole situation. I got up and went to my spin class and when I came back from my WW weigh in - lost 2 more pounds - I felt ready to talk. He begged me not to analyze it, we were married after all, but I still felt confused. I may have lost weight, but I still felt that I wasn't that much different than I was a month ago. He was reaching out, half asleep or not, he was trying. How did I feel? A little closed down.
My waistline is shrinking, but I was still holding onto the pain and rejection that I had been feeling. And what I wanted to hold onto deep down inside ... was my husband. And something else.... I wanted to hold onto victory. I've learned a lot lately. Once I took the time to really take care of myself and my health, I found that being a little selfish with my time (instead of being there for everyone else) was not a bad thing. If I had to visit my mum a little less, I could spend more quality time with her instead of squeezing her into my day and feeling harried and emotional and guilty. Hubby could eat my Weight Watchers friendly dinner or not eat at all, and I could get up before dawn and go to spin class. And you know what, my blood pressure was already good, but it went down 2 points.
And finding a lump under your breast really makes you appreciate your health a little bit more. I had been feeling that my body was just this thing that had let me down, the whole adoption homestudy process has left me feeling not in control, I was feeling that I was constantly trying to prove that I was worthy. And I just wanted to quit.
Had a chat with an old friend last week and he suggested that I "clear" my house of negativity with sage. It's a Native ritual/new age thing, but I thought it was a brilliant idea. So I ran out and bought some sage and then told my hubby about it. Needless to say he looked at me like I was crazy, but I explained that I was doing it for the both of us. And he should like it as it smelled a bit like pot. So we actually negotiated the time it would take and I had 4 minutes and 15 seconds. First he bagged up the smoke detectors (they're really sensitive, last year a BBQ set it off and the whole building was evacuated thanks to us) and then we stepped out and walked in with the smoking sage and I chanted all around the apartment and we "bathed" ourselves in the smoke.
He took a shower and then he runs out naked jumping around like Barishnikov exclaiming, "I feel so free! I feel so free!". I laughed and laughed.
I guess it worked, cause I took control the next morning and we both felt a little freer, if you know what I mean. I think I'm going to "clear"the house again soon.