Yep, I did it. I came out of the closet. The infertility closet that is.
I was asked to give my experience of Caledon at our culture centre for our chapter. At first, I kept thinking of a way I culd share my experience without mentioning my infertility, and I could have. But experiences should be deeply personal and I could not share without sharing the whole truth.
Some of my Buddhist buddies know what I have gone through, but it's not public knowledge. Honestly, I had always felt ashamed at my inability to conceive and give birth to a child. I was waiting for years to tell my story but I wanted a happy ending. I wanted to be able to pat my tummy or bring in my baby in front of the community as a testament to faith and perserverance. I imagined the whole thing, I would hold my child up with tears in my eyes. There wouldn't be dry eye in the whole place. I would feel so victorious and happy. Snap back to reality - and I was feeling hopeless, resigned, and pretty fucking miserable. I wasn't suicidal or anything, but as my husband once told me, I wasn't "fun" anymore.
So I basically shared what was in my previous post. There wasn't a lot of people, thank goodness, no line of women rushing me telling me their infertility story, but I still touched people's hearts. That always makes me feel good. I want to create value even in my misfortunes. But I did see one woman smiling and nodding her head and I happen to know she's infertile and knows exactly what it's like.
You know, I actually feel hopeful today.