Thursday, September 20, 2007

Coming Out

Yep, I did it. I came out of the closet. The infertility closet that is.

I was asked to give my experience of Caledon at our culture centre for our chapter. At first, I kept thinking of a way I culd share my experience without mentioning my infertility, and I could have. But experiences should be deeply personal and I could not share without sharing the whole truth.

Some of my Buddhist buddies know what I have gone through, but it's not public knowledge. Honestly, I had always felt ashamed at my inability to conceive and give birth to a child. I was waiting for years to tell my story but I wanted a happy ending. I wanted to be able to pat my tummy or bring in my baby in front of the community as a testament to faith and perserverance. I imagined the whole thing, I would hold my child up with tears in my eyes. There wouldn't be dry eye in the whole place. I would feel so victorious and happy. Snap back to reality - and I was feeling hopeless, resigned, and pretty fucking miserable. I wasn't suicidal or anything, but as my husband once told me, I wasn't "fun" anymore.

So I basically shared what was in my previous post. There wasn't a lot of people, thank goodness, no line of women rushing me telling me their infertility story, but I still touched people's hearts. That always makes me feel good. I want to create value even in my misfortunes. But I did see one woman smiling and nodding her head and I happen to know she's infertile and knows exactly what it's like.

You know, I actually feel hopeful today.

3 comments:

Pamela Jeanne said...

Kudos to you for being brave and strong enough to share your story.

Like you, I always had a happy ending fantasy -- one that told a story of beating the odds. It involved a healthy pregnancy and delivery that would leave everyone (myself included) tearful and joyful.

Now I confront my shame over infertility by being open about my condition. Each time I baldly acknowledge it I feel less confined by it. Thanks for offering me (and others) support and encouragement -- hearing your story provides us the strength to shed our misery and hopelessness.

chicklet said...

I think it's AWESOME that you came out - it's therapeutic isn't it? I still struggle to tell some people, but I'm opening up more and more about it and like Pamela said - in doing so, it's less shameful, less private, maybe less horrible. Cuz it's out there and it's real and the whole getting it off your chest thing is good anyway:-)

Deathstar said...

Yeah, it was a little weird at first. But when people have an illness, they usually tell you right? Women can say, "I'm a breast cancer survivor" so why can't I say, "I'm an infertility survivor"?