Trusting myself

Okay, if I'm so committed to being an adoptive mum, why wouldn't I jump all over this? It's another day and I have learned a lot in the past couple of days. First of all, listen to my intuition. I start to make stuff up when I don't have all the answers and I start to hem and haw and can't make up my mind - what if, but, but what about.... all over the place. The day I got the call I had mum over and of course, trying to watch her (she won't sit still when the conversation isn't about her) and discuss all the pros and cons with my husband. Hubby does not want to go ahead on this. Mum thought we were discussing the dog. Omigosh, no, mum, it's just a baby!!!! Our future lives!!!! I burnt the rice. For the first time in a long time, I saw my husband's frustrations and bitterness come through. This wait has been hard on him as well. I understood that he feels loss in his own way. He just doesn't go on and on about it like I do.

Number two: Don't submit my profile to any and all situations just because I feel desperate or guilty. Big mistake. It's not good for me and it's not good for a birth mother. This is coming from a place of fear. Any situation we will be faced like will not be coming out of ideal circumstances, cause if there were, there wouldn't be any adoption. We can make commitments and the other person might change their mind. There just isn't any guarantee, not for us or anyone else in this life. This is where we could have used some counselling. We read all the books, did all the homework and courses and still we are faced with these emotional challenges.

I went to chant about it all and after I turned a page over on my Nichiren Daishonin calendar, just broke down. It said this for April 8th:

Above all, both you and your husband are upholders of the Lotus
Sutra. You will surely bear a jewel of a child whis is going to inherit
the seed for the propogation of the Lotus Sutra. I wholeheartedly
congratulate you. The child is the one who will inherit both your physical
and spiritual aspects.

(Easy Delivery of a Fortune Child)

Facing the Gohonzon is like facing a mirror and you see the truth and what I saw was fear. And judgment. The voice said this is what happens when you are not good enough to have your own, you did this to yourself and if you screw this up you might never be a mother. Your husband does not uphold the Lotus Sutra, you won't bear anything and your child will not inherit either of your physical aspects. This message was for an expectant mother and all I felt was a giant NO in my heart. I felt horrible for not helping this birth mother who was just trying to do the right thing for her child.



I had to go to acting class, though I almost cancelled. Lucky for me they are fellow Buddhists and I really, really needed to go be with them. My friend was going to break the news of her pregnancy and I was intending on keeping my mouth shut. I met her outside and told her I was not having a good day and it wasn't about her at all. As soon as I walked in and one of my friends looked at me, you know, really looked at me, I broke down. So we talked and as they read the same passage that I did, they encouraged me so much and told me that I had to listen to my instincts and to have faith and that I shouldn't be making intentions from fear or guilt or a place of not feeling deserving. That my child was out there and that I would be a mother. We chanted daimoku that vibrated through my soul and I felt so uplifted. I chant for the birthmother and all of her children. I will continue to chant for her.


You were right, Lori, I just knew.