Video that says it all - Part 1

Sorry for some of those who can't see this video,it's Torn by Natalie Imbruglia.

You can go to youtube.com and search for it. Or try this link - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bPndxNNKfA

Either way, these are the words, which I how I feel before the moment I decide to crawl my ass out of bed and start my day:

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldnt be that man I adored
You dont seem to know, dont seem to care what your heart is for
But I dont know him anymore
Theres nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings fine Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I dont care, I have no luck, I dont miss it all that much
Theres just so many things that I cant touch, Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn. torn.

Theres nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings right, Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and Im ashamed bound and broken on the floor
Youre a little late, Im already torn

I'm no expert, but.....

I think hubby's been having what they call a midlife crisis. I was just thrown because I thought that didn't happen until 50 something. I've been googling around and he seems to have many of the classic symptoms, irritability, roller coaster emotions, insomnia, self medication, feeling "lost", a sense that time is running out on him; he's lost a lot of weight and is tailoring his suits. He's very concerned about his appearance. And of course, he walks in and sees me sitting on the couch watching Oprah, not exactly the little hottie he met 10 yrs ago. We're not where we thought we'd be, still renting, no child, too much debt and not enough disposable income to buy first without looking at the tag or waiting for half price sales. I don't make a lot of money, still waiting for my big break and living paycheque to paycheque. So, it's all my fault or at least I'm a handy target.

I have no idea if he realizes this or even if he did, would it make any difference? I expect it wouldn't. "Oh, I'm having a mid life crisis, a bit early, I feel so much better now!" If he's hellbent on looking at me like an anchor around his neck, then there's not much I can do about it. Love, patience, understanding can be extended but it's up to him if he accepts it.

I'm learning to look at this as an opportunity to redefine my life. Unlike my husband, I do have interests and pursuits of my own, so I've managed to learn how to revitalize my spirits and remain hopeful about life. I think he's mainly been concerned about taking care of me and my happiness which is probably why he's so unhappy. I've got strategies to cope with stress, and so I look to them now. I would prefer not to spend my morning hours sweating on a very uncomfortable bike, but hey, if it improves my health and gives me a shot at buying a new wardrobe, what the hell? I'm in. And my Buddhist practise refreshes me, gives me hope, keeps me strong. I'll keep trying to reach the wisdom that I know is there. If he's done taking care of me, then I need to take care of myself. I already know I'm a strong woman. I'm tired of viewing myself through his eyes. He can't see too well at the moment, so why should I trust his vision?

I'll be there for him, but not as a whipping boy or doormat. I wonder if it's occurred to him that he's not the adoring, playful, uncomplicated young man that I used to know?

Victory!

I got my wish today - showed up for the pre dawn spin class and guess what - it was cancelled due to a family emergency. Yay! I mean that's terrible! But yes I stayed and worked out as hard as I could anyway. I was rewarded for my saintliness - at my weigh in I had lost 4 lbs! I could have cried. So apparently I am not a freak of nature and I can lose weight. I just have to work out like a dog to do it. Alright. Bring it on then, bitch!

A man's point of view

I went back to the doctor to discuss my test results, and phew, no diabetes, but I am anemic. Just how anemic is another blood test. Having fibroids, thus excessive bleeding during menstruation, makes it worse. Well, I have been waking up exhausted for so long that I'm used to it, but it's back on the iron citrate train for me. I stopped taking it at some point and the basic multivitamin doesn't cut it. I started taking this after a naturopath prescribed it for me as it's as effective as the basic iron, but no constipation side effect. It is however way more expensive. So the thyroid levels are fine, so that's not stopping me from losing weight, just good old slow ass metabolism, I guess. I seem to have picked up a stubborn dry cough,too.

During my hours of surfing, I started looking for blogs on marriage difficulties and I found this old one by a 40ish year old guy. Now, granted it was all from his perspective but I found it compelling that once he had made up his mind to leave, that was that. He had been depressed and miserable with his wife and mother of his child. They stopped having sex after the birth of their child. That really seemed to be the issue for him. According to him she wasn't the woman he married anymore. Once he worked up wth nerve to tell her he wanted to leave, he just wanted to get on with his life so he could be happy again and wanted her to do the same. She did not want a divorce however, but apparently it went as amicably as could be expected. Not once did he mention why he married her in the first place. He never spoke about the love he once had for her or what they shared. I did get the sense he thought he had been sold a bill of goods, to speak and that women misrepresent themselves and then once they marry, they turn into someone else.

Mmmm, interesting. Is this representative of how men think? I was talking to a male friend and he said men find it easier to move on and following a breakup they're often re-coupled within months, and it takes women years to get over things. They just check out at some point and then justify why things are "over".

I certainly hope that's not what going on in my husband's head. He's been very articulate with me about how he feels, and he makes a lot of sense. I don't want things to go on like they have in the past though. I want to see this a sign that we can make things better. I'd like improve my health, get my groove back and live life to the fullest. I want to fulfill all my dreams and be strong and independent so that no matter what happens, I'm not left feeling like I can't take care of myself.

Spinning in Denial

Well, it's Monday morning and has been for quite some time. I woke up late, but I opted to drive so I made it to my 6:30am spinning class. Hubby was actually reaching for me to come back to bed. And for a second, I thought, oh yeah back to the warmth of my bed, but no, I splashed water in my face, threw on my gear and left. Victory!

Arrgh! There's this thin blonde whose legs go straight to her back who seems to spin so effortlessly while I heave and wipe sweat out of my eyes and consider throwing up. I hate her. I imagine falling off my bike, I imagine the fire alarm going off, I imagine time going faster, I imagine quitting but somehow that doesn't happen. After class, the instructor says she feels like a million bucks after it's over, I say I feel like a buck fifty.

One day this will seem easy, right? Hubby tells me that he's proud of me for what it's worth. Mmmm, thanks. And in the meanwhile, what's life going to be like? I don't know. I'm starting to feel this feeling of yearning for a child again. It hurts again. That loss of what might have been.

Yesterday, I opened up my old journal, read some entries from 2003. I was stunned. It was like a veil of memory lifted. I wrote about how I knew my husband wasn't attracted to me, how I was disgusted with myself and how much I hated how much brain space this was all taking up. How it was difficult to get pregnant if we didn't have sex very often. How no matter how hard I tried to lose weight, I couldn't and it made it hard to stay motivated, I was constantly being pulled in other directions. How he would just smoke dope every fucking day with the neighbour and play video games for hours, despite my protestations so I just stuffed candy in my mouth to fill up the bottomless hole. Holy cow. Talk about living in denial. We moved through crisis through crisis taking care of everything else but us. I had goals, I had dreams, but few were achieved. So I think I concentrated on other things and sought satisfaction elsewhere.

I've got a follow up appointment with the doctor to discuss my blood tests results and I fucking hope I don't have a problem with my insulin levels. Diabetes runs in my family and it generally comes later in life and I'm fucking terrified of it. That alone should motivate me to take care of myself.

So while he is away in Europe on business, I will take this time for myself to move myself forward through this. The good part is that it makes much more sense to feel lonely when I actually am alone. I look forward to it actually.

Lurkers beware

Guess who read my blog? Yup, hubby was wondering what would happen to my blog now that we're putting the adoption on hold. Should have asked me, but instead he read my blog. He wasn't too impressed that I'm "airing our dirty laundry", but I after I gave it some thought, I chose to do it anyway. Women share some crazy shit and with the blog world of pseudonyms, we're apt to speak the naked truth. I've always been impressed how honest you bloggers are out there and what was I supposed to say? Hey, we're a little stressed, so we're putting things on hold, see ya later? No, I don't think so. Part of blogging is about exploring your feelings, so sometimes we don't make a lot of sense, but we figure it out eventually. Your camaraderie and virtual hugs are enough compassion to keep me going. In the depths of loss and grief, I searched and I searched for answers, for understanding and empathy and you were there.

So he was left with the impression that he was portrayed as the most evil husband out there. Which I don't agree with, I never said anything of the kind, I don't even think that. I told the truth as I saw it, as I experienced it. If that's all he got out of it, that's really sad. I was hoping that he could see things from my side. I haven't validated his feelings either, mind you. Too busy looking for answers, too busy being mad and hurt and rejected. If I had felt like he would truly listen and understand and stop being so frustrated(or angry), I might have told him to his face. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and tell me that he knows how much I feel rejected and unappreciated. I expect he wants the same. We're protecting our own selves. Pain turns us into wounded animals, lashing out while we tend our wounds. And who can hurt you most but the one you love? Hence, our disconnect.

Anyways, we actually went out later. So maybe I did get through to him just a little bit. We had a counselling session the next day. Oddly enough, the counsellor seems to think we have reason to hope, it's just going to take some time. Every time the universe pushed me to expand my capacity, I'm amazed I simply don't blow up.

By the way, a week of counting points, working out at 6:30 in the morning, walking like crazy, and I gained .8 lbs. It's enough to make me start eating Twizzelerators again. But I won't.

For me?

Thanks, Jenna, for the Blogger Flame of Fortitude! You made my day! I'd like to thank dementia, infertility, fibroids, my acting career, my marriage and my own shame and arrogance for getting me here! (Cue applause.)

Adversity gives you the opportunity for growth and awareness, appreciation and gratitude. I would have never known just how strong and flexible I could be. If I had not suffered, I could not offer true compassion to myself and others. Even in the depths of hell (suffering), Buddhahood can exist and it's possible to turn poison into medicine (or lemons into lemonade as PJ likes to say). I know that for a fact.

Now don't get me wrong, I'd rather not have all these "opportunities"; I was pretty happy without them. But no one can avoid problems in life. I don't want to be a self sacrificing martyr. That was my mother and see what she got for all that. And I've learned to find happiness in simple things. I can only control my reaction to whatever happens or whatever I make happen. I get to choose that. So I'll make a plan that doesn't rely on anyone else but me, stick to it and see what happens. Thank you! (cue music and applause)