Lurkers beware

Guess who read my blog? Yup, hubby was wondering what would happen to my blog now that we're putting the adoption on hold. Should have asked me, but instead he read my blog. He wasn't too impressed that I'm "airing our dirty laundry", but I after I gave it some thought, I chose to do it anyway. Women share some crazy shit and with the blog world of pseudonyms, we're apt to speak the naked truth. I've always been impressed how honest you bloggers are out there and what was I supposed to say? Hey, we're a little stressed, so we're putting things on hold, see ya later? No, I don't think so. Part of blogging is about exploring your feelings, so sometimes we don't make a lot of sense, but we figure it out eventually. Your camaraderie and virtual hugs are enough compassion to keep me going. In the depths of loss and grief, I searched and I searched for answers, for understanding and empathy and you were there.

So he was left with the impression that he was portrayed as the most evil husband out there. Which I don't agree with, I never said anything of the kind, I don't even think that. I told the truth as I saw it, as I experienced it. If that's all he got out of it, that's really sad. I was hoping that he could see things from my side. I haven't validated his feelings either, mind you. Too busy looking for answers, too busy being mad and hurt and rejected. If I had felt like he would truly listen and understand and stop being so frustrated(or angry), I might have told him to his face. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and tell me that he knows how much I feel rejected and unappreciated. I expect he wants the same. We're protecting our own selves. Pain turns us into wounded animals, lashing out while we tend our wounds. And who can hurt you most but the one you love? Hence, our disconnect.

Anyways, we actually went out later. So maybe I did get through to him just a little bit. We had a counselling session the next day. Oddly enough, the counsellor seems to think we have reason to hope, it's just going to take some time. Every time the universe pushed me to expand my capacity, I'm amazed I simply don't blow up.

By the way, a week of counting points, working out at 6:30 in the morning, walking like crazy, and I gained .8 lbs. It's enough to make me start eating Twizzelerators again. But I won't.