What really matters to me

On Friday, I finally got in touch with my friend, Devadatta who is fighting breast cancer. And the news is not good. Her cancer has returned and metastasized and has spread to her lungs, liver and blood. Swell. She was pretty matter of fact about it. She has done clinical studies, without much success and is now going to Peru to see a shaman. She won't be alone, she has a friend coming with her. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but you'd have to know her to know that it actually makes sense. She sent a picture of herself to him and without even knowing she had cancer, he knew precisely where she had tumours. Spooky, huh? A lot of events aligned to bring her to that decision and I fully support her. You see, she really doesn't have anything to lose at this point. She's done both western and alternative therapies and both have helped in varying degrees, but they really don't know what else they can do. She's fighting triple negative cancer and it keeps coming back. Chemotherapy and drugs are not effective for her and her only option seems to be radiation but because of the places that it has reoccurred, that might not happen. So, she's looking for a healing. I hope she find what she needs and I hope she comes back better than when she left. I will be leaving to spend some time with her upon her return. DH has been reminding me for months that we have enough aeroplan miles to get to Toronto if I wanted to go visit my friends, but I thought no, that will mean just spending more money I don't have. Then I talk to her and money becomes irrelevant. I just want to spend some time with her.


She'll be so tired when she gets back and I just want to do what I can for her. Just for a little while. She lives on the top floor apartment of a house and when I think of the steep flight of stairs she has to climb to come and go, I wince. Yeah, I know, I wear the part of the princess very well, I like my lattes and my leather boots. I'm at home in a chic boutique hotel and I'd rather shop than eat, but the day I washed my mother when she was in the hospital after her stroke, and she looked at me with such shame and loss of dignity at her own state, I understood what it was to love someone so much that you could bear their misery and hold them in love and do what had to be done anyway. Have you ever looked into the face of someone you loved who was suffering and absorbed that pain, if only for a minute? It changes you in a way. Love is what matters, not your pain or discomfort. I don't know how to explain this at the moment. Oh, crap, I wish I could find the right words. Ah, crap.


This search for motherhood, this search for a deep connection with another human being, there's ego, there's self delusion, there's yearning for love. It's all in there. In life and death.