Exhausted

Just a short post to say thank you all for your kind words and support. I feel like I have a secret tea and sympathy section just for me. Your words are like soothing salve on raw skin.

My girlfriend came over Friday night and we drank wine and swapped mutual heartbreaking events. The next day I spent the whole day in bed utterly exhausted and spent or hungover - not sure which. I was supposed to go see my mum, but I just called her instead. I just couldn't find the energy. I was also supposed to see some old Buddhist friends, but they cancelled and I mercifully spent the night on the couch. I rallied long enough to go out and get myself to some delicious Alaskan black cod with sweet dark sauce and rice from a local restaurant. Ah, a slice of heaven. Then my friend's sister called to let me know she was finally in hospital.

Got a dog walk with Sampson's old girlfriend and her family, lunch with the folks that cancelled and a big Buddhist meeting and a play to go to tonight. No more rest for the wicked.

Slipping away

Back home. So good to be home. I must say he keeps a cleaner house than I do. My plants are not doing so good and there's no food in the fridge, but the house is clean. Couldn't ask for more. Except for my husband who left today for a business trip. Sigh.





I'm glad I went to be with D. I suppose it will be the last time I will see her. By the time I left she was not really eating, she could barely swallow her morphine pills and her eyes were often glazed and unfocused. Before I left, I had her name a friend who could be her point person. I had called her friends together to decide who could cover the gaps in the home support schedule. I printed out phone numbers and put lists on bulletin boards. The nurse came again and asked her all the tough questions. Surprisingly she wanted to be recessitated if necessary. I'm not sure why she said that since she had refused once again to be hospitalized. I called her sister in the West Indies and made sure she knew she had to come immediately.

I woke her up to say goodbye and told her that I loved her and she told me that she couldn't tell me how much she loved me. That's when my tears began to fall. Her friend, another Buddhist who chants nam myo ho renge kyo, held me in her arms and said daimoku for me and then I left.



I'm still getting reports, her sister has finally arrived. She is getting weaker every day and I don't suppose she will last much longer without hospitalization. Her ancestors are calling her and it won't be me that wishes her to stay.

Now I know why I was meant to be there. To bring everyone together. She refused to ask for help so I did it for her. I called and they came. She is so loved.

Resistance

I woke up really early this morning wanting to go to the bathroom - the light in the hallway was on, which meant that D was up. I stayed put and decided to go back to sleep. When I got up 2 hours later, guess where I found her - you guessed it. Asleep on the toilet. I hauled her up and she put her back to bed. I wrote up an action plan for her which included the choices available to her. I barely got her up in time before the nurse and a palliative care coordinator came this morning to have a meeting with her. They recommended she go to the hospital immediately because they were concerned her lungs were filling with fluid. She refused. I sent them out of the room and had a private chat with her. I asked her what she wanted. She made it clear that if she went to the hospital or anywhere else she couldn't take her herbs because they would put medicine in her. She was done with western medicine. But every day she says she's going to make the herbs and every day she is unable to and she won't let me do it.

I hung my head, drew a deep breath and went to tell them she wasn't going and what could be done for her at home. There was a whirlwind of phonecalls and questions and now I have a few hours to put a put a plan in place and then pass the info on to a point person before I leave. I could wring her little scrawny neck. Yeah, I yelled at her a bit - I had her the phone and tell her to call her point person and she says she wants to think, she needs five minutes. Yeah, I said, why don't the rest of us sit around and wait on her. It's not like we mind being inconvenienced. I warned her that the minute she becomes incoherent (and she's had her moments) or becomes unconscious, she will no longer have any more control as to what happens. I know she is not ready to die, but she's waiting for the divine and I hope she answers her call. As much as I understand, I am frustrated! I have to make these phonecalls that I don't want to make. I have to hear her relatives pain in their voices as they try to understand what can and cannot be done for her at this point. She should have had a plan in place, a power of attorney done, but she has not done so. There is a profound reason for this. And I have to just let it go because I cannot control this situation and it's not my responsibility. But as one who has gone down this road before with my mother, those that are left to caretake and do all the grunt work, are the ones who pay the price when critically ill people don't prepare for the worst ahead of time. I love her but I'm a bit pissed.

I will get to go home and others will fill my place. There will be a schedule of professional caretakers, family, volunteers and friends to fill in the gaps. They have a limited amount of hours they can provide personal care to her. It will be depleted in about a week, unless another relatives can show up from out of town which apparently is supposed to happen Monday. I hope that woman realizes what she's getting into.

Ah, I need a drink.

Now comes the tough part

Things have gotten worse instead of better here. My girlfriend is weaker. I went out Saturday night to spend time with an old friend and when I came home, she was on the toilet, unable to get up. I asked her how long she had been there, but she said it had only been a few minutes. I did mention that she probably needed a raised seat last week but she brushed off the suggestion and now here I was planting my right leg between her, her arms around my neck and my arms under her arms, hauling her upright. It seemed like a long time to go 6 ft. She sat on the edge of the bed, breathless. Last night, a friend of hers dropped by and before he left, I quietly murmured to him how bad it really was. Someone had to know, I was leaving in a few days, someone had to know the truth. Then we repeated another late night lifting ritual after she nodded off on the toilet for over an hour. I knew she had, but I waited patiently for her to ask for help. She needs to ask for help. I waited and I waited and by the time I had gotten her to her bed, she was sweating with effort, unable to raise her head off her chest. She seems bound and determined to stay in her home, and get more help or friends to come in but really she needs a couple of weeks of in a respite care facility. She cannot get down the steep flight of stairs to the front door. She cannot get herself something to eat or drink. She cannot prepare the herbs she wants to take. A few extra hours here and there with a support worker will not make a difference. She's fighting it, but I only have a couple more days to be like water over a stone. She says she wants to think about it, but time is running out. I stayed while the nurse came to check on her, making sure she really knew what was going on instead of what my girlfriend allowed her to know. She shot daggers at me with her eyes, but I didn't care. I'm the Buddhist with an Edge.

Another relative is coming next week, but are they prepared to be with her 24/7? Can they lift her time after time after time? Is their back strong? I know she'll get better, but for now my love comes in homemade soup, a ready smile and a boot up the ass.

Wisdom on a fridge

Something I found on my friend's fridge that I'd like to pass on to y'all.

Remembering Self Love
An affirmation
By Cynthia Long

What if I had a gentle, irresistible alarm that went off within me, telling me when my body needed sleep, rest, meditation, movement, comfort, pleasure, joy…and I had to listen to that alarm. What if that alarm was created by my intention to love myself enough to begin by opening to these aspects of self-respect, so that they may lead to my readiness to love the world from a place of wholeness, and in this way offer my gifts. Would I not then be of wholeness, and in this way offer my gifts. Would I not then be completely empowered, and strong enough to be of the value I have always wanted to claim?

What if it’s true that I have created every obstacle as I would mould a clay dragon before me, and I can just as easily crush each one to dust by refusing to believe in it anymore, by no longer giving my faith and power away?

What if it’s true that the only thing that stops me celebrating each moment is the subtle, unconscious habit of believing I am not fit, that I should be punished for my failures of the past? And when I let go and stop condemning myself, there is nothing left but all possibility, anything and everything that gives me true joy.

What do you love? Who do you love? How would you live if you could make no mistake and simply followed your heart?

That is the gift you give to others.
Stop trying.
Start allowing every dream its rightful birth.
Now.

Cold

I'm in Toronto with my friend, taking care of her for a while. I've told you about her before. She has triple negative breast cancer that has metastasized into her liver and lungs, etc. She recently returned home from a healer in Peru but she's completely wiped out. I'm here making vegetable juices and cooking and shopping for her, keeping her company for a while. I can't tell her what to do but that doesn't stop me from trying. It's a little like caring for a sick child, she's kinda fussy and whiny, but she can't catch her breath if she moves too much, and she barely has strength to sit up. But I've noticed her mouth still works and she has no problem asking for what her juice in a particular cup. I honestly don't know what she would have done if I couldn't come. It hurts to see such an independent woman barely able to do for herself.


She's encouraged however for her future and that's what counts. She sees her illness as a spiritual journey. A lesson she has to learn. I understand on some level, but I really don't know. I think she's getting better, I hope she does. I pray she does. It's supposed to snow on Thursday.

LITTLE MISS BAD ATTITUDE

Please take a good read on Teendoc's comments on my two previous posts. She writes:

All I can say about that as an adoptive parent in open adoption is that I've never seen or heard about any open adoption relationship that resembles such a scenario. I am my daughter's mother and my husband is her father. We are not co-parenting with her firstparents. We exchange letters, e-mails and phone calls and periodic in person visits. (All of this is decided by the adoptive parent before you match...if you are not comfortable with in person, just do cards and letters).

I always appreciate her candor because she just gives you the straight goods from one who has been there. I have however heard of such scenarios as overnight visits and frequent visits from the birthmothers themselves. I just have to stick with our boundaries and hope we get chosen. When I look at her and her little one, I can practically feel little feet against my face and smell the top of baby's head. It gives me such hope that I too can be a mother.

Just to clarify, I was not implying that it's a bad thing to be wealthy and adopt. I just find it annoying and stressful that I'm not wealthy. Having said that, you should see my shoe collection and my royal butt has felt the comfort of business class. I don't exactly live in a van down by the river. I think I was just frustrated on the heavy emphasis on money. It's like hey, Miss Bargain Hunter, look in the clearance bin over here - we've got some good kids here, they're a little scratched and maladjusted, but with a good coat of paint.....! Argh! We had also reviewed another package of US lawyer services and it itemized everything, from filing of this paper to fees for a paralegal. It's daunting to me because I am an actor and an unemployed actor. I'm just one US national commercial away from realizing my goal. I truly believe that at the onset of the whole thing, the financial aspect was just theoretical, and since the economy was doing well, and DH's job was bringing us all sorts of benefits we were confident that it would continue and all our money struggles would be over. Frig, I was this close to being a lady who lunched! I would have hoped my career (which is quite impressive on paper) would have prospered better than the previous year, I would have hoped that the economy didn't tank and affected my husband's job, but that is not the case. We do have retirement savings which we will use and we don't have a problem with that. Cause we'll just have to make more. There will be no financing and no borrowing. I will be at home to take care of the child as neither one of us will have parental leave benefits. I also don't want to put this off as I am not going to get younger as time goes on. As IF veterans know, time waits for no woman and I'm either in or I'm out.

I just feel bad sometimes because I know my husband would move heaven and earth to make me happy. And that fact that I cannot contribute on a larger scale, is a thorn in my side. (Why why why didn't I become the lawyer my parents wanted me to be?) So if I see one more Brangelina story about their ever expanding family (look, I can adopt and birth my own!), I'm gonna puke. Yeah, I've been drinking the Bitrex, I hate to admit it. I promise I'll count my blessings and readjust my attitude later. Just let me vent my spleen a little.

I will do whatever I have to generate more income but realistically, I may have to dump it all if I get a certain phone call. I am committed and determined to bring about the best circumstances for us both.

In the meanwhile, I will go to iwin.com and play http://www.iwin.com/games/house-of-wonders-babies-come-home