The Club that Dares not Speak its Name

Got mine a couple days ago, and I put it on. My infertility bracelet. Thanks, dmarie.

Oooooh, wow, I'm in a special club that no one wants to be in. You know what we drink? Pomegranate martinis, of course! It contains 2 shots of vodka (cause we can drink as much as we want now) and 2 parts pomegranate juice (cause we care about antioxidants) and a spritz of sparkling water (or soda) just to liven things up, and a squeeze of lime. When we really feel crazy, we dip the rim in lime juice and brown sugar. Yum! The Infertility Martini!

How can you tell us apart from the others? Well, we are usually absent at baby showers, though if we do go, we're the ones who grit our teeth and stuff our faces at the the buffet table while the others discuss the agonies of delivery and breastfeeding. We don't come running with unbridled congratulations over pregnancy and birth announcements. We never ask to touch a pregnant tummy.

We hang our heads or look in the other direction when we pass those cute maternity clothing and baby stores that are springing up everywhere. We head straight to Starbucks and order a latte - because we can now.

We carry small purses. We have long phone conversations without interruptions. We buy our dogs ridiculously expensive items. Those are doggy treats in my pockets, not Cheerios.

We have no idea what the latest educational toy craze is. We didn't know that 4 year olds still need child car seats. We don't know Barney songs and have no tolerance for Bob the Builder or Telebubbies or Baby Einstein.

We do know our way around the business end of a syringe. We have an inordinate amount of information about ovulation charts, hormone drugs and suppositories. We don't flinch in the face of HSGs, laparascopies or nurses who tell you to go home and demand sex from your husband 3 times in 48 hours. And what's a little ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome between friends?

And often, we feel very, very alone. We feel shame. We cry a lot. We transcend the pain and find a mission that is unique to ourselves.


And if we get to leave the club, the other members applaud but also envy you.

Now that's the club for me!

The Votes are In

I was reading an old post from So Close and Tertia gives some great advice to surviving infertility. In regards to the baby shower thing, I think I'm going to just drop off those meatballs and gift and excuse myself. It's Thanksgiving weekend here anyway and I'll be busy making a turkey dinner for dh and my mum. I'll be happy to visit my friend when she comes home from the hospital and gush over the baby, but I'll spare myself the character building afternoon. I'm not really NEEDED there and they will understand. The event isn't about me, after all. See, I wasn't even there yet and I was stressing myself out.

Thank you for your support and votes!

Forecast for the weekend....baby showers

I have another shower coming up this weekend. As much as I've progressed, I still don't like attending showers. I really like this girl, too, but my Buddhist district is organizing it and of course, it hasn't occurred to the co-ordinator (despite sharing my experience last week) that I may not be entirely comfortable going to one. I said I'd bring meatballs. Oh, brother, there are going to be decorations.

Help! Do I go and make a brief appearance, do I drop the meatballs over early and then make an excuse? Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe I'm just having a knee-jerk reaction. It's not about me, right? It's about a really wonderful, sensitive, intelligent, young couple bringing in a much wanted baby into their lives. And who knows,maybe we can hang out one day with both our babies......AAAGHHH, I don't know.

I'm going to digress here a bit. I went to have my hairs pulled out of my snatch yesterday, oh, sorry, I mean have a bikini wax, and we were chatting about my family visit and my esthetician asks if I'd like to have children. I say, I'd love to but I can't - insert uncomfortable pause - but I'm adopting. To which she enthusiastically replies that it's so much better to give a home to a needy child. You ever notice that when you say that, people always seem to feel better? You can almost hear the audible sigh of relief.

This made me think of those who will remain childless. There's no "happy ending" to the "I'd love to but I can't" line. I can think ahead to a time when I can invite people over to see the new baby (albeit it will have to be after the 30 day waiting period where the birth mother can change her mind). I can plan a nursery, buy stuffed animals, baby clothes. But I still feel ... hollow...in a way. Not sure what the feeling is yet.

Anyhow.... any advice, tips, suggestions?

Questions, questions, questions

I know they have to ask, but these family assessment questionnaires are a little, well, stupid. We have to fill out another one before our next meeting with the social worker.

For example:

Have you ever been the victim of an unwanted sexual advance?

Huh? As a woman living in this world, the answer to that question would be a yes. Somebody grabbed my ass on a crowded New York subway. Some drunken idiot grinded his erection into me while dancing. Occasionally, I've been asked if I would like to fuck to which I replied, no thank you, not if you were the last man on earth. I think I know what they're getting at, but I'm left to make an assumption.

Or:

Have you experienced any of the following during the past two years?

none, marital reconciliation, separation from spouse/partner, loss of child, family member or close friend, financial problems, personal inury or illness, infertility treatment, divorce, change in health of a family member, pregnancy, sexual difficulties, change to a different line of work, fired from job.

What is "sexual difficulties" doing in there? Just curious how that would figure into the business of the Ministry of Children and Family Development. "Oh, we noticed that you have difficulty achieving orgasm, we have a problem with you adopting a child." What I'm wondering is why they don't ask you how many one night stands you had.

The rest of the questionnaire deals with issues of alcohol and substance abuse in the entire family tree. Just reading down the list of drugs they ask if you have every taken had me strolling down memory lane. Ah, those crazy times when I had no responsibilities, no worries, no sense of my own mortality. When I was single, I had nights when drinking and doing lines in the club bathroom seemed like a good idea at the time. I don't regret any of it. I just have better things to do with my time these days. Luckily I don't have an addictive personality (do cherry Twizzlerators count?) and cessation of either alcohol or drugs was never a problem for me. It occurs to me that if I were a European woman who drinks a glass of red wine several times a week with her meals, I might raise a red flag. As one gets older, drinking gets you a hangover and you waste an entire day feeling like hell, and frankly I can't afford cocaine, I'm all tapped out after buying Gonal F. Now that's an expensive mood bender! Does taking Dexatrim for 2 weeks count as a stimulating substance? I think so, since over the counter diet pills is on the list. Is nothing sacred anymore? Is salivating over new shoes a bad thing?

Aw come on, what if they're on sale?

Birthmother Panel

Okay, so we went to a birth mother panel sponsored by my adoption agency. Quite a lot of people there, but we were the only biracial couple there. And the best looking I might add. It felt terribly awkward to sit in a circle of strangers cautiously eyeing each other. Wow, I wonder what their story is? Are they infertile like us?

There were 2 birth mothers there and they shared their experiences. They were both eloquent, heartfelt and touching. I learned a lot.

One of the things I learned was there needs to be open and clear communication between both parties. It's predicated on one couple's desire for a child and the other's desire for a continued relationship with that child. As much I as deeply want to parent a child, I can't get past the fact that a birth mother can change her mind. That happened to another blogger out there and though she understood, she was devastated.

Boundaries need to be established and respected on both sides. Both of the girls didn't necessarily set out wanting to have a relationship with the child, but they changed their perspective within the first few months after giving birth. They said that they were both deeply affected by hormones after birth and weren't thinking very clearly and weren't really sure of their emotions. Good to know about that now.

Another thing I learned was that as an adoptive parent, I should not just make assumptions about how she feels. That in trying to protect her feelings, I might inadvertently make things worse for her. For example, one girl gave birth and was promptly discharged within hours and no acknowledgement that she even gave birth. No flowers, no cards, no kind words from anyone including her family, adoptive parents or hospital staff. That's too cold.

One of the young women actually had sleepovers with her little girl who looked in the mirror and noticed that she shared the same nose. And had spent a week with her. Not sure I could do that. Given that the adoptive parents hadn't told the little girl she was adopted yet, I found it admirable that the birth mother trusted them implicitly that the adoptive parents would deal with that.

We can name the child, though. Wasn't sure about that. One of the things I used to day dream about was the name of my future child. I had one picked out for a girl. But if I get a girl, I'm not sure I will use it. Can you understand why? Somehow it doesn't seem fair.

One of the young women mentioned that she was looking for financially stable adoptive parents. I felt a little like a fraud, knowing full well that we'd most likely have to borrow or cash in our RRSPs (so we don't go further into debt) to complete the process. Now I understand why people hold fundraisers. We're not celebrities, we're just regular people trying to have a regular life. We have bills. We go to Starbucks (but not every day). We have a dog who sleeps in a bed better than most of the world has. We use coupons and if it's not on sale, we don't get it. If we had conceived on our own, we'd probably own our little overpriced townhouse furnished by Ikea. We'd be living on one salary and anything I earn would go to the baby's education fund.

But we didn't, IVF didn't work for us the way it worked for others. Somewhere in the universe, that makes perfect sense. Having said that, I determine to make as much money as I possibly can. I've already booked a gig for this month on a TV show, now I just need it to keep it rolling. We are also considering looking at Ontario for a prospective birth mother.

There will be an adoptive parent panel next week that we'll be attending. I'll let you know what happens.

2nd homestudy visit

I had a good feeling that our visit was going to go well. Yes we cleaned, and yes, she actually looked around. As I mentioned I had my family visiting, but they went out to visit my mum. After sitting down with some tea, she sent hubby to the office with a lengthy questionnaire to fill out and then she started asking me questions about how I saw myself as a person. Well, that's a favourite subject of mine but luckily I forced myself to be brief and somewhat modest. Then 3 words to describe my hubby and again, I tried to be brief and concise. When it got around to discussing my spirituality, it got a little sticky. So many of the profiles I've seen mention Christian, church going people. And in some international adoptions, you won't be considered unless you're a Christian. And I'm not even sure if they mean church going or does one just mention the denomination of a baptismal certificate. Is this someone you mention in an adoption profile for birth mothers to see or if they choose you, you tell them.

Not that many people know about Buddhism. There are many sects and beliefs, myths and assumptions. And what they do know consists mainly of images of a golden Buddha or saffron robed monks. I just explained her to my practice and what it means to me. It turned out to be more lengthy than I intended, as sometimes when you explain one thing, you have to explain something else. My community involvement extends mainly in that area as we've done cultural exhibits open to the public.

Frankly, I was raised a Christian, went to Sunday school and all that. Was forced to sit through some scary Pentecostal service as well. But as a Buddhist a consistent daily practice takes discipline, not something you can force a child to do. Usually at our meetings, the kids are watching a video or playing or something. I'd like my child to know that kindness, compassion and respect for all beings isn't just the domain of one philosophy or religion.

In due course, it my turn to go to the office and fill out the questionnaire. Mmm. Not sure I like multiple answer reports. Some of the choices weren't really applicable, or even realistic. I mean, really, what family isn't dysfunctional on some level? It asked how our respective families would feel about our future adopted child. Neither of us give rat's ass what they think really. They're not doing the work nor are they paying for any of the process. If they love us, they'll love our child and if they don't, too bad for them.

All in all, the visit was fairly intense because it really wasn't a conversation, it was more like here's the question, what's the answer kind of thing. Still, we shared a laugh at the end and set another appointment at her place. She told us to expect questions about our marriage. I asked her about her marital status and she admitted she'd been divorced twice. I said great, she either would be commiserating or taking notes.

Keep reminding me this is better than sticking myself with hormones.

All in the Family

Just before we went out to a birthmother panel, my DH unloads about the rather "lively" discussion he had with my sister and her husband about racism the night before. For crying out loud, I go out to work for a few hours and they manage to get into an argument. The main contention seems to be that my sister asserts that black people can't be racist. Sigh. Oh yeah and the fact that when my sister found out I was dating a white guy, she wasn't too happy about it. She said it wasn't his colour, she just didn't like him. Not that she even knew him or took the time to get to know him. I remember that, she barely even looked at him even though the first time she met him at my mum's place, he brought a chicken burger. And that she wouldn't like it if her son came home with a white girl however, an Asian girl would be okay. That set my husband off. He told her she was a racist and that she was just like my older sister. Cripes. My sis didn't like that, I'm sure as she doesn't think too highly of my eldest sister. My brother in law apparently agreed with my husband since he didn't come to his wife's defence. My hubby and him get along quite well.

So as he's telling me all this, I decide to not defend my sister for a change. I do that a lot it seems. I listen and realize he's offended and hurt by her attitude, especially since she's sitting in his house. I let him know that the original plan of having her and her family move in with us for a while after they sell their home may not be such a hot idea. He tells me that he's willing to wait and see what happens.

My husband has very high expectations for people who call themselves family. He has seen what I have gone through these past 4 years, dealing with my mum, the tears, despair and frustration as I've sorted through her life and try to put it in order. We've gotten all the late night, early morning teary phone calls, we go to the care conferences, the doctor appointments, we put our life on a schedule to accommodate her, and through all of it, we tried to get pregnant. It's been hard on me, on both of us, and what he wants to see is her extending herself to me with care and compassion. And he doesn't see it. He sees self-centredness. This makes him very, very angry.

My sister's life hasn't been easy either, I know she feels guilt about not being here, she's busy working and caring for her only son, who spent the first few years with frequent illnesses, her husband's frequent unemployment and inability to assist her in family organizational matters. She doesn't eat very much and she's often tired. I also understand our family's karma. We don't demonstrate a great deal of affection with one another, we hold things in, act strong and cope as best we can. We don't confront.

It was hard to get a lot of chanting done this week, but I did get it a little in. And when the daimoku (chanting nam myo ho renge kyo) ran out, I resorted to white wine. Yep, you can pick your nose but you can't pick your family. Meh.